Wedding Guide

Bridesmaid's Guide: Just Say No

2009-06-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, this is one of those things in life that is "just not done." If someone asks you to be her bridesmaid, assume she considers you to be one of her closest friends. If you are her sister, remember that the two of you are supposed to be close. Refusing is tantamount to saying, "I don't care to be a member of your intimate circle celebrating the most important day of your life." It's impolite. If you can say these words without concern for the consequent damage, refuse without a second thought. However, if you want to preserve the relationship without offering this level of commitment, read on.

We realize that whether it's due to your fabulous networking or because you've been holding onto the remnants of a friendship you've outgrown, it can happen that a woman has cheerfully put you on her "A" list of friends, whereas if you could just remember her last name, you might find room only on your "C" list. Sigh. The price one pays for possessing charisma. If you can't nobly accept the honor of serving as this well-intentioned bride's attendant because you know you will stumble most ignominiously in fulfilling your duties, it is far more gracious to find a credible excuse right away to avoid the whole affair. Better to risk a "tsk-tsk" now than to provoke a chorus of hisses later.

Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances—a scheduling conflict, lack of funds, or a death in the family—that prevent you from serving. A true friend will appreciate your honesty if you say, "I am so honored, but I just can't afford to participate the way I would like to as a bridesmaid. Would you settle for me as a guest?" Or whatever your heartfelt cop-out is. Practice in front of a mirror or with a tape recorder until you look and sound firm and unable to be swayed. Practice, practice, practice.

With apologies to Miss Manners, we offer these irreproachable excuses:

"I am scheduled for a Cesarean that day and am expecting twins."
"I testified against a Colombian drug cartel and am entering a witness protection program."
"I was once engaged to your fiance and he left me when I developed a yeast infection."
"That's the week of my honeymoon! I'll be in Rialto."

Do you get the idea? Seize upon a life-and-death scenario, nonrefundable plane tickets, or a critical business trip. Good luck. And watch out for dogs at the border.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Party's Over

2009-06-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

PSTD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a reaction to a psychologically traumatic event outside the range of normal experience. It occurs erratically among veterans of war and manifests itself in recurrent nightmares, cold sweats when recollecting the battle experience, reluctance in deepening social relationships, feelings of guilt, and sleep disturbances.

The flower girl has caught the bouquet. The band is packing up. You've managed not to tear your dress while dancing and you've posed for candid shots with guests whose names you've forgotten. The bride and groom have thanked their parents and are on their way to a transatlantic honeymoon in a rented Bentley trailing shoes and soup cans. Rice is sticking to your hair. All is quiet in the jungle. Hey! The wedding is over.

You're feeling expansive, proud, and slightly deflated; you've survived and your performance merits an honorable discharge, but you feel you've lost a guerrilla to domesticity. You feel slightly older, but sense a hew perspective developing within you about the value of family and the importance of hallowed traditions you once pooh-poohed. When ambivalence begins settling in and making you feel irritable, congratulate the parents, bid farewell to out-of-town relatives or far-flung friends, and get the hell out! Return to your hotel room or, preferably, directly home.

If you are single, avoid indulging in too much circumspection now, as it will lead to depression. Instead of mourning the loss of a single friend and the husband you think you'll never find, treat yourself to a hot bath and ponder your next hair-raising adventure. Remember that old German proverb: Fur jeden Topf, gibt es eine Dekel ("For every lid, there is a pot"). Life is a banquet, and there are plenty of dishes you've yet to sample. So many men, so little time. If you are dating, relish the time you can spend with your beau that doesn't involve refereeing invitation-list-clutching mothers. Already married? Be grateful you've made it past that tough first year the couple is now entering and treat your husband to a night to remember.

As you mentally debrief yourself after the bridesmaid mission, follow these steps:

Get rid of that dress! Rather than dumping it into the trash compactor, dry-clean it. A high-end cleaner will clean, spot-treat, and restore a gown to its original luster. Ask about an anti-sugar stain process that removes stubborn champagne and cake-icing stains. If the dress looks presentable, a consignment shop will give you half of whatever they receive for it. Also, thrift shops around the nation will take dresses in decent condition. You won't receive any money back but you can get a tax deductible and help a good cause at the same time. If you have a perverse sense of style, recycle the fabric for a pillow for your Labrador.
Throw away the wilting flower arrangement you took from your table at the reception. Toss it sooner if it looks like Audrey II, the botanical specimen from Little Shop of Horrors.
Make notes on how you would do a wedding differently.
Sort through the phone numbers you collected from the ushers—-but don't call the suave one who smelled of Aqua Velva.
Regale friends who don't know the bride with wedding anecdotes.
Look forward to getting together with the bride when she comes back from her honeymoon full of stories.
Rent movies or watch TV sitcoms that celebrate or will make you cling to the single life: Auntie Mame, First Wives Club, Fatal Attraction, All in the Family, Married ... With Children.

If you find yourself suffering from PWSD (Post-Wedding Stress Disorder), try therapy in one of these forms: strawberry Haagen-Dazs, an Italian black lace teddy, a new hair color, a Swedish massage from a man named Sven, Manolo Blahnik heels.
You are now ready to resume your life as a civilian!

Superstitions: If you sleep on a piece of the groom's cake, which in many cultures are handed out at the reception as favors, it is believed that your future spouse will come to you in your dreams.

Bridesmaid's Guide: When Things Go Awry (Part II)

2009-06-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Case #6: The Pesky Parasite
Alicia's dream was to be married in a redwood forest. Her bridesmaids agreed that this would be an enchanted wedding—until the mosquitoes descended upon them as the couple exchanged vows. Knowing they were being videotaped, the young ladies valiantly smiled while suffering a thousand stings. Then they spied a mosquito the size of a small sparrow alight on Alicia's bare back. The maid of honor bravely stepped forward and swatted the offending insect, realizing that to preserve the bride's unblemished back was of higher priority than affecting a seamless, agonizing performance for a tape that could be edited.

Moral: Know your territory and be prepared. In this case, it would have been sensible for the bridal party to share a can of bug repellent before donning their wedding outfits. At a beach, sunscreen is essential. For a wedding in New York, bring Mace, in Los Angeles, an oxygen inhaler.

Case #7: The Pregnant Maid of Honor
When Allison agreed to be Cynthia's maid of honor, she never anticipated that Cynthia's wedding would be postponed and rescheduled so that Cynthia could book her reception at the darling inn she and her fiance had discovered only three weeks before their original wedding date. A year after the original date, Allison had married her longtime beau and was enceinte. In her fifth month, she was starting to show. At a second shower for the still-bride-to-be Cynthia, Allison mentioned that she was having her dress for Cynthia's wedding altered to accommodate her new shape. Cynthia cleared her throat and studied her reflection in the bread knife. "Allie," Cynthia began, "you'll be eight months pregnant on my big day... it wouldn't look right next to the other-bridesmaids. I thought we might have Richard's sister stand in for you." Cynthia had never been more than cordial to Richard's seventeen-year-old sister, Trini, who incidentally was very photogenic and very thin.

What could Allison do? When Cynthia asked her to be her maid of honor, Allison was still a single, svelte woman, and Cynthia. was certainly entitled to include her future sister-in-law in her. wedding party. Allison let Cynthia's rude comment hang in the. air and endured the rest of the shower. The next day she phoned Cynthia and told her that she was mailing her the dress along with the original bill so Trini could reimburse her. She wished' Cynthia well and said that she hoped Cynthia would understand if she wasn't feeling up to being at the ceremony. The day of the wedding, Allison and her husband sent Cynthia and Richard a lovely letter of congratulations.
Moral: Know the friends you pledge your assistance to, and be sure they are worthy of your love and patience. Don't let a fretful bride lead you down a path of increasing financial burdens and inconveniences. Strive for graciousness even when the bride behaves in a selfish or just plain undignified manner.

Case #8: Bad Hair
The prospect of sharing a hairstylist with nine other women didn't appeal to Tawny, so she begged her regular hairdresser, the tal ented Josef, to fit her in for a last-minute appointment. She needed undivided attention for her long, temperamental tresses. In her bridesmaid dress, Tawny sped to the salon, where Josef coiffed her mane to perfection. Slightly late, she raced her fire-engine BMW convertible to get to the outdoor ceremony on time One glance in the rear view mirror confirmed that the salon's hair sprays was no match for 75-mph winds. While trying to fold a scarf over ) her elaborate 'do, Tawny smeared red nail lacquer on her nose. Undeterred, tires squealing, she parked in front of the Audubon club and made it to the rose garden as the music began. Two minutes later, before a single photograph had been taken, a blue bird flew overhead and left a slimy calling card atop Tawny's head.

Moral: Don't leave all your grooming preparations until the last minute. Unless you want to risk life, limb and bouffant, leave yourself plenty of time to get to the altar. The bridesmaids hair and nails should be done by a professional on site, or at a salon with prearranged transportation waiting. If you think hair is more important than being available for the bride before the ceremony, you should be a hairdresser, not a bridesmaid.

Case #9: The Felonious Limousine Driver
The bride's family had arranged for a fleet of limousines to transport guests from the church to the reception. Four bridesmaids in one limo were alarmed when their driver took a left turn instead of following the other cars. They were furious when he joked that he was going to sell them into white slavery. One bridesmaid peeled off her pantyhose and blindfolded him while another grabbed the wheel. A third bridesmaid was able to call the police with the cellular phone hidden in her bouquet. Unflustered, they . arrived in time for the wedding photographs.
Moral: Don't let a nutcase or a hijacking stop you from getting the job done. Your outfit is replete with weapons. Use a stiletto heel to bring the enemy to his knees; garrote him with an under-wire brassiere; pierce his eardrum with a bobby pin. (See "Wedding Survival Kit")

Case #10: The Waltz That Wasn't
At a country-club wedding in Maine, a flamenco band showed up to substitute for the orchestra the bride had hired. There were many older folks at the wedding, and the bride and groom had felt that everyone would enjoy some big-band music. The bride was in tears and refused to enter the ballroom until she heard shouts of merriment accompanying the exotic music. Her bridesmaids were teaching her uncles, all in their seventies, how to flamenco! She decided to follow in their footsteps and the dancing lasted until past midnight.
Moral: Always set an example for the less spontaneous with your flexibility and enthusiasm.

Case #11: The Lecherous Photographer
After an hour of posing for wedding photographs, the bridesmaids realized that the photographer had positioned them so the afternoon sun was shining through their linen dresses, outlining their bare legs. Annoyed, one of the bridesmaids told him he'd have to reshoot the two rolls of film he had already taken. When he refused, she found a beefy usher who was only too happy to be of service. The photographer handed over the erotic film and performed his job as instructed for the rest of the session.
Moral: Take advantage of the one thing that ushers have to offer—brawn. Other than that, they primarily serve as decoration!

Case #13: The Missing Crabs
A seafood-loving bride hired a caterer that was famous for his Cajun flavored soft-shell crabs. Her entire wedding carried out a Cajun theme. Unfortunately, the caterer's truck overheated en route to the reception. His assistant saved everything but the crabs. The New Orleans bride was devastated. Her maid of honor, a chef from New York, grabbed a local usher and ordered him to drive her to the area's largest fish store. She bought a mess of clams and rescued the reception with a Long Island-style clambake.
Moral: Share your hidden talents to save the day. Always find a safe man or woman to be your chauffeur in unfamiliar cities.

Case #13: The Tidal Wave
At a wedding held on a Caribbean island during hurricane season, a ceremony was taking place aboard a yacht. Suddenly, a tidal wave broke over the side, leaving the entire wedding party drenched but unharmed. When the best man reached into his pocket for the wedding ring, he realized it had washed away. The next day, a plucky bridesmaid rented a metal detector and walked the entire perimeter of the island until she found the antique platinum ring.
Moral: You can never place enough importance on the ring.

Remember those folks who told you that no more is required of a bridesmaid than to look beautiful while walking up the aisle? These are the same clowns who, when giving directions to a local church in a countryside of rolling hills and winding roads, say to an out-of-towner in a rented car, "You can't miss it." You know better.

Every wedding represents an adventure from which dozens of anecdotes can be collected. The exemplary attendant stores away the most outrageous war stories for her granddaughter, imparting to her when she comes of age the wisdom of the guerrilla bridesmaid.

Bridesmaid's Guide: When Things Go Awry (Part I)

2009-06-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

A host is like a general; it takes a mishap to reveal his genius.
—horace

Unforeseen events, in weddings as in war, can mar the best-laid plans. The ever-vigilant bridesmaid anticipates the unexpected and is always ready to spring to action. As a bridesmaid, you are a deputy hostess—a responsibility all the more urgent when the bride is suddenly indisposed or when things go awry. Brides have been known to faint when wedding tents collapse, rings are lost, or florists deliver the wrong flowers. This is your time to shine. The wedding disaster is an opportunity for the bridesmaid to show her mettle and prove she is more than just another pretty face. The old and young will gaze upon you in wonder and ask in awestruck tones, "Who is that bonneted maiden?" You will go down in family history as the spirited heroine who helped avert a crisis with her quick thinking and good humor. Or at least the bride will be really grateful. Of course, there are some instances when an extraordinary bridesmaid is the unsung heroine. With absolute discretion, she takes measures to ensure that no one ever finds out the nature of the calamity that she has forestalled.

You've heard the stories from friends and sisters who have returned from the field. Sometimes the bride has tantrums. She hurls her new china at the groom when he nonchalantly observes that his ex-wife registered for the same pattern. She isn't talking to her future in-laws because they want to serve whitefish at the rehearsal dinner. She's fired the priest because he won't refer to God as "She" during the service. Overnight/ a fun-loving single woman has transformed into the finicky future Mrs. Fuss, lamenting aloud when surrounded by well-intentioned friends that nothing is as perfect as she had imagined it would be. Reaching for an ever-changing vision, she tears more pages out of Bride magazine and runs to the bridal shop to select new bridesmaid gowns hours before the wedding, or she dictates that all bridesmaids must report to the beauty salon for lime-green manicures. Never mind that they are wearing elbow-length gloves! Yes, sometimes the bride goes mad, and you'd better expect it. Roll your eyes when she's not watching and cluck-sympathetically—but proceed, because it is your task to help turn the wheels of the great marriage machine.

Occasionally the bride's behavior is exemplary, and what goes wrong has nothing to do with her whatsoever. Of course, you could be the most capable, stalwart bridesmaid on earth, but a confluence of events—weather, roadblocks, bad hair—can conspire to make you look bad. Sometimes beyond etiquette, above manners, a bridesmaid needs ingenuity to help her cope. What to do when the mudpack hits the fan? Here are some stories about disasters major and minor that feature bridesmaids who either rescued the bride from years of psychoanalysis, or who, in retrospect, wish they'd been a little more alert. These heroic and cautionary tales will remind you to remain calm when confronted with any crisis on that red-letter day.

Case #1: The Broken Engagement
Teddy Simpson and Alexandra Albright were the perfect romantic couple and for seven years had been the envy of many of their friends. Continuing a great family tradition, they met during their junior year at Princeton, where Mr. and Mrs. Simpson had met and where Mr. Albright had first laid eyes on Mrs. Albright. Their parents were such major benefactors that the college president happily gave their children personal parking lots. For two years, Teddy's hunter-green Triumph sat cozily next to Alexan-dra's orange Karmann Ghia as Teddy and Alexandra strolled hand in hand along the paths of the idyllic campus.

When they graduated, Teddy gave Alexandra his grandmother's emerald-and-diamond ring. Their mothers began planning the wedding. Teddy went to Harvard for his MBA and Alexandra took an assistant's job at Sotheby's. Shortly after Teddy became an associate at Morgan Stanley, 350 family friends received the long-awaited wedding invitations. Ten of Alexandra's girlfriends were fitted for bridesmaid dresses at the Vera Wang Salon on Madison Avenue. Then, four days before the wedding, all the invited guests received Federal Express packages with an announcement that read, "Mr. and Mrs. Chase Albright announce that the marriage of their daughter Alexandra Wells Albright to Mr. Theodore Burke Simpson, by mutual agreement, will not take place."

Only the maid of honor, Siobhan O'Reilly, knew the details of the drama that had gone on behind oak-paneled doors. Shortly after Alexandra had moved to New York, she met an Arab importer who whisked her away on a magic-carpet ride of the world's glittering cities every weekend she didn't dutifully board Amtrak to visit Teddy in Cambridge. Teddy no longer seemed to offer the same excitement and, more infuriatingly, had developed a habit of patting her on the head and giving her a peck on the cheek before dozing off every night. When Alexandra confided to Siobhan that it had been six months since she and Teddy had done anything more strenuous in bed than pass sections of the Sunday paper to each other, Siobhan sat her down and poured some brandy into her tea. It didn't take Alexandra long to realize that she didn't want to go to every Princeton homecoming game for the next 30 years with Teddy, though he had been her first love. She gave Teddy his ring back and named her first child Siobhan al Hussein, after the friend who made her open her eyes. Teddy is happily married to a woman he never makes love to with the lights on. The Simpson parents still do not talk to the Albrights.

Moral: Be an intuitive bridesmaid. All brides have last-minute jitters, but some have grave second thoughts that need to be aired. Listen sympathetically and tell the bride she'll have your support no matter what. If she wants to back out, there will be some hell to pay, but nothing so terrible as what she would go through in a divorce. A canceled wedding is an awkward and sad time, even if some of the major players are terribly relieved. Whether you hear firsthand, by letter, or by phone, don't ask a lot of impertinent questions that will compound somebody's humiliation and never, ever let on that you were there when it happened.

Case #2: The Lost Groom
The morning of Josh and Laura's wedding, Josh disappeared. His parents were distressed, but hesitant to call Laura and give her what could only be upsetting news. They roused a stuporous Jamie, his brother and best man, who confessed he could not recall anything about the bachelor party the night before. Fortunately their sister, Amy, had overheard Jamie's plans for the night's activities. She retrieved an unconscious Josh from the floor of a downtown topless bar and dropped him off at home before driving to Laura's house to join the other bridesmaids. Amy never mentioned the pathetic but harmless incident to Laura and received a round-trip ticket to Aruba from her appreciative brother.

Moral: If the couple really loves each other, don't let them see each other in a negative light in the hectic days leading up to the event that will forever join their fates.

Case #3: The Broken Arm
Bonnie was a very athletic, outdoorsy kind of girl. When she got engaged, her friends thought it would fun to throw her a ski shower, even though it was April and they all lived in San Francisco. Everyone brought a ski-related gift—long underwear instead of lingerie, new ski poles, certificates for lift tickets, and so on. One bridesmaid bought her roller blades. Bonnie eagerly bounded down the stairs and laced them up. Off she zoomed down the hill, blond hair flying. Twenty endless minutes ticked by on the hallway clock before the bridesmaids began exchanging glances. They found her two miles away, clutching her elbow and receiving affectionate licks from the basset hound that had gotten in her way. Her white cast matched her wedding dress, but she and the groom had to make alternate honeymoon plans, as their ski vacation in Peru was out of the question.
Moral: Don't let the bride use her shower gifts until after she is married.

Case #4: The Couple on the Lam
Thomas's parents, blue-collar Long Island Catholics, were upset that his wedding to Ruth was not going to be held in their church. Her parents, Orthodox Jewish psychiatrists, had insisted on a synagogue miles away in New Jersey. Thomas and Ruth heard nothing but dire warnings from their parents about what a mismatched pair they were and endured months of grilling about how they would raise their as-yet-unborn children. Finally, in exasperation, Thomas and Ruth enlisted the help of their attendants to plan their elopement. Sans parents, Ruth and Thomas, along with the maid of honor and best man, flew to Las Vegas to be married. The attendants remaining in New Jersey made up excuses for the couple's absence until the deed was done.
Moral: Sometimes attendants may be called upon to perform in absentia. The most celebratory wedding doesn't have to be the wedding that happened the way it was planned.

Case #5: The Bride and the Best Man
The music was already playing, but the bride, Linda, hadn't reappeared after exclaiming that she'd left her blue garter in her bedroom and running back to her parents' house. Nancy, the maid of honor, couldn't find Linda in her room, and slowly walked back downstairs. Pausing by the library doors, she heard Linda's voice Relieved, she swung open the door, only to stop herself short from entering. Linda, in her wedding dress, was on the leather sofa? nibbling the best man's earlobe! Aghast, a blushing Linda tried to explain herself to Nancy as the best man adjusted himself with st-rakish grin. Nancy held out a firm hand and shook her head "Linda, don't give me any bullshit. You're stressed and you've1 momentarily lost your mind. Fix your lipstick and get your derrière outside." Linda ran past Nancy, who in one motion took a-bold step forward and slapped the out-of-town best man across, his too-handsome face. "This never happened and you're.on the-next flight out of here." She turned on her peach peau de soie heel and made it back to the processional line without a hair infer chignon out of place. Moral: See the Moral for Case #2. Keep a level head and be prepared for all kinds of hijinks. Don't let the bride's behavior faze you.

Bridesmaid's Guide: At the Wedding (Part II)

2009-06-04T11:07:00.001-07:00

It's perfectly okay to drink incessantly, line dance, and flirt with the drummer, but don't forget you're still on duty here and have obligations to the bride. Periodically check in with her and see if she needs you for anything. Make sure she gets something to eat (with all of that running around from table to table, her food may be whisked away by the waiters before she even tastes it); confirm that her makeup is holding up; help her into the bathroom if necessary. While you'll be satisfying the requirements of a bridesmaid, you'll also be fulfilling the most important duty of all, having a great time.

Superstitions: Guests around the world throw rice or grain at the newlyweds to symbolize fertility and growth in their new life together.

Your Date
This brings us to a very important and sensitive matter. What if you're attached and would like your significant other to attend the wedding as your date?

Bear in mind that it is not necessarily your "right" as a bridesmaid to invite a guest. Guest lists are carefully compiled with a sharp eye on the bottom line; relationships are weighed against the cost per head quoted to the bride and groom by the caterers. If you are not invited with a guest, it isn't because the bride hates your boyfriend (at least that shouldn't be the reason). It's more likely that the reception hall can hold only so many people, and the guest list must be Hmited accordingly. Guest lists are like tiered wedding cakes; intimate family and closest friends are on top, and very extended family and acquaintances are on the bottom. Sounds simple, but think about how the bride's second cousin Trisha will feel if second cousin Lisa is invited and she isn't. The point is that people are invited in groups. If one person from the group is omitted, then they are doubly offended when they discover that people on the same tier are holding invitations to the big event. This applies to boyfriends and significant others as well. The bride and groom can't invite one person with a guest and then tell another guest that they cannot bring a date.
While you may be thinking, "But it's only one person," think again. There are probably ten other people who would like to bring dates; ten people is the equivalent of an additional table. For moderate-sized weddings of approximately 100-150 guests, the line today is typically drawn at engaged couples or live-in partners. Smaller weddings will preclude all guests except for spouses; larger weddings usually allow for guests to bring the milkman if they so please. If you feel strongly about having your significant other by your side at the wedding, it is acceptable to ask the bride if you may bring a date, but be conscientious and make it clear that you understand her dilemma.

If the bride agrees, you have another potential problem on your hands. You are, after all, on duty; being at someone else's beck and call doesn't always make for the greatest date. Often a date is brushed aside due to bridesmaid responsibilities—he can't sit with his date at dinner because she's at the table for the wedding party, he's in limbo during the formal pictures, and so on. For more established relationships, leaving your date to fend for himself isn't much of a problem. However, if your date is someone relatively new (we know of a bridesmaid who had a first date at a wedding) and hasn't met your friends, you may have bitten off more than you can chew. If you are considering bringing a date to the wedding, respond to the following statements with a "yes" or "no" to determine if you are better off going stag:

Y N
_ _ 1. I have met my date at least twice before.
_ _ 2. My date knows my bra size.
_ _ 3. My date has met the bride and/or the groom.
_ _ 4. My date is friendly with the bride and/or the groom.
_ _ 5. My date knows other people who will be at the wedding.
_ _ 6. My date has seen me naked in the daylight.
_ _ 7. My date calls me by a pet name.
_ _ 8. My date calls parts of me by a pet name.

If you responded "yes" to more than five of these statements, you should know your significant other well enough to know whether or not he would have fun at the wedding even though your attention is drawn elsewhere. If you responded "no" to more than five, think twice before you bring that date. You'll be in the thick of the wedding festivities and he'll feel out of place; you may even feel burdened. If you answered "no" to all of the above, GO SOLO! You'll have a better chance of getting lucky with the bandleader.

For a single bridesmaid, a wedding is a great place to find a date. You're in the limelight; you're perfectly coiffed; people are asking you to dance. And we've never heard of anyone being rude to a bridesmaid (it's right up there with cursing at a nun). Use,, the opportunity to walk up to that cute guy at the bar and tell him it's a bridesmaid's duty to dance with every single man at. the wedding. It's easier to be bold when you're wearing a brightly' colored taffeta dress. Take advantage of your position and keep a'; pen and paper in your garter belt.

Superstitions: In some rural Chinese villages, sugar cane is tied together with ribbons representing wishes for the bride and groom's life together to be sweet.

Catching the Bouquet
The throwing of the bridal bouquet is one of the most common reception traditions. There are several theories as to where the custom of the bouquet toss originated. One belief stems from early England, when it was believed that the bride was endowed with the power to transmit good luck to another person. People at the wedding tried to tear away bits of her clothing, and tried to snatch her flowers and headpiece. In self-defense she would throw her bouquet to the grabby crowd. In fourteenth-century France, throwing your bouquet was considered more demure than tossing your undergarments (garter). Either way, the belief was that the single woman who caught the bouquet would be the next to marry.

Unfortunately, for every winner, there are numerous losers; in order for one woman to walk away from the toss triumphant, the rest of the single women have to return to their seats, dejected. Due to the advances of feminism in recent years, many brides have chosen to forgo this tradition, which holds maidens up as poor pathetic creatures who need a man in their life. And grateful women around the country have heaved a collective sigh of relief.'

However, many brides like to stick with tradition and feel compelled to include this ceremonial toss in their reception schedule. As a bridesmaid, it is important to note that if you are single, you must participate. You don't have to make an enthusiastic dive for the posies, but you should at least put your arms up at half mast. Of course, if you really just can't bear the ritual, hide out in the bathroom until it's over.

Toasting the Bride and Groom
Though toasting the bride and groom is traditionally the bailiwick of the best man and the father of the bride, many people are so moved at a wedding that they feel compelled to speak. While the bride and groom have most likely worked out a schedule of toasts with the band, these impromptu speeches are a common occurrence as the evening wanes and the liquor disappears. If you are the honor attendant, you may want to express your best wishes for the couple ahead of time. Giving a toast can be a very nerve-wracking experience; even the most articulate people get awfully tongue-tied when they're full of emotion and champagne. As a bridesmaid, however, you are not obligated to give a toast at the wedding and should really only do so if no one else from the bride's side is planning to make a toast, and if the general consensus among the other bridesmaids is that you should be the spokesperson. If you do decide before the wedding that you will get up and speak at the reception, we recommend that you put together a few well-chosen words ahead of time. If you are inspired to speak in the heat of the moment, just try to keep it simple. Branching off into detailed recollections about your shared youth with the groom and playing doctor in his garage may make the guests squirm in their chairs. Resist the temptation to blabber, and try to keep your toast short. Food gets cold and people get bored. If you can't keep it short, put it in a letter and give it to the bride and groom after the wedding.

Toasting Tips

Shared childhood or school memories are always a touching source of material upon which to base a toast.
Simple congratulations and well-wishing work nicely too.
Speak up so everyone in back can hear you.

Superstitions: Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue: this superstition is perhaps the most recognized. The "old" represents the good luck of the bride's single life being carried into her married life; the "new" symbolizes her new life with her husband; "borrowed" is the tie that binds her to friends and community; and "blue" is for purity and fidelity.

Bridesmaid's Guide: At the Wedding (Part I)

2009-06-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

THE WEDDING DAY
The shower was glorious, the bachelorette party was a bash, the rehearsal went off without a hitch, and you received a beautiful Elsa Perpetti pendant as a gift from the bride for your services. With the help of Valium or meditation and herbal tea, you've gotten a good night's rest. Your nails haven't chipped yet and that blemish on your chin is finally disappearing. Even the raspberry-colored taffeta bridesmaid gown looks kind of fetching in the light of the new day. You're feeling in control and confident. You've been training for months, preparing and planning. Yessiree, W-Day is looking pretty manageable from the toasty confines of youi bed.
Well, pardon the wake-up call, but the real battle still lies ahead. You've survived basic training but, as a bridesmaid, the wedding is where you pull together everything you've learned in bool camp. All of your preparation, your meticulous planning—today is the day you will use it.
If you've planned well and prepared thoughtfully, you should be able to make it through this day with very few problems (barring acts of God and those little things that lawmaker named Murphy always talks about). If not, well, there's still time to make up for it. Consult the maid of honor as early in the day as possible (wake her up at the crack of dawn if you have to) and get the plan for the day. You're a modern woman—have her fax it to you. Then follow the checklist below, gather your things together, and get your butt out the door.

Superstitions: If the bride writes the names of her unmarried friends on the sole of her shoe before she walks down the aisle, the name that rubs off first will be the next person to get married.

WEDDING-DAY CHECKLIST

Wedding Survival Kit
Dress
Shoes
Two pairs of pantyhose or stockings/garter belt
Directions (with any emergency contact phone numbers)
Invitation
Makeup
Handbag
Underwear (optional)
Bra/bustier
Required headgear/ extra pony tail holder or barrette
Extra change (for phone calls) and a few twenty-dollar bills (like your mother always told you—"just in case!")
Camera

PRIMPING
Primping with the bride and the other bridesmaids is one of the best parts of being in the wedding party. You're sitting around with the girls, chatting and munching on snacks, while people play with your hair. There is a lot of excitement surrounding a wedding. When a friend's marriage is about to become a reality and you are a member of the wedding party, you're in the thick of it all. Break out the camera and take pictures.

If you are getting your hair done professionally, wear a button-down shirt. One dedicated bridesmaid we know spent a small fortune to have her hair done at a salon alongside the bride. Her hair looked gorgeous, but how in the world was she supposed to take off her tiny T-shirt without mussing the new coif? Another bridesmaid had to cut the shirt off her body!
Celebrity Trivia: When she wed Senator John F. Kennedy in 1953, Jacqueline Bouvier's bridesmaids wore pink silk faille and red satin gowns created by African-American designer Ann Lowe. Jackie's sister Lee Radziwill served as her matron of honor a second time when she wed Aristotle Onassis in 1968.

"CHEESE!"
Formal wedding photographs are the bane of every bridesmaid's existence. You're on your feet wearing spiked heels in soft grass, standing totally stiff in a dress that's too tight, attempting to hold a smile while the photographer asks you to "turn this way" for about the 400th time. You're trying to banish thoughts of pulling an Alec Baldwin and putting your fist through his camera lens when the photographer finally says, "Okay, now the ushers." Ah, sweet relief.

Professional photos are a prerequisite of almost every wedding. Whether the pictures are taken by Bachrach or the groom's second cousin, formal photos capture everyone looking their best and provide the bride and groom, as well as the rest of the wedding party, with a special and irreplaceable memento of the wedding day.

While the bride will most likely have given the photographer a list of photos she particularly wants taken, many of which will include the bridal party, be sure to ask the bride for a photograph with her alone and make sure she gets one with all of her female attendants. Chances are that in the flurry of the millions of things the bride has tried to prepare for, she may have forgotten to request these two shots and she'll be grateful that you reminded her. These two photos make great keepsakes for you and the bride. Whatever you do, don't go directly to the photographer and start requesting pictures of you with your boyfriend. He or she is hired by the bride and groom, under their instruction, and is there to capture their day, not your good side. If you start insisting on certain photos, you might detract from what the bride and groom really want. If there is a photo you would really like taken, there is plenty of time at the reception to place yourself in front of the photographer's lens.

Celebrity Trivia: Carolyn Bessette chose John F. Kennedy, Jr.'s sister, Caroline Schlossberg, and not one of her own, to serve as her matron of honor at their secluded 1996 wedding.

TRIPPING DOWN THE AISLE: THE PROCESSIONAL
Well, you've practiced your march and you know your position. All that's left to do is focus on the end of the aisle, smile, and try not to trip. The following are a few helpful hints for marching gracefully down the aisle:

For a Christian processional, leave three or four pews between you and the pair in front of you.
For a Jewish processional, leave half the length of the aisle (unless instructed otherwise).
Don't hum to the music.
Be careful of runners, as they tend to scrunch up.
Don't blatantly scan the congregation for your friends.
Don't drag your feet.
Don't drag your partner.
Don't make small talk with your partner, even if he is cute. There's plenty of time for that at the reception.

HE DOES, SHE DOES: THE CEREMONY
OK, you've successfully maneuvered your way down the aisle, you've all formed an almost perfect V shape, and a roomful of strangers are now staring back at you. You feel very important. The following hints are designed to help you maintain that facade of poise:

Don't chat with your neighbor—even if she is dying to tell you about how she left the rehearsal dinner with the best man.
Don't swing your flowers.
If you have to blow your nose, do so discreetly (hide a tissue in your hand under your bouquet before you go down the aisle). Dabbing is better than blowing.
Don't clear your throat when the officiant asks if anyone objects to the union.
Do try to look interested in the ceremony. Or inspired. Or just serene.

WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN: THE RECESSIONAL
Finally ... on to the reception! The best advice we can give here is don't turn a stately walk down the aisle into a mad dash in a fervor to get to that punch bowl.

THE RECEPTION
The Receiving Line
As guests begin to filter in to the reception, most likely, if there are more than 50 guests, there will be a receiving line to greet them. The order goes like this:
First in line—Bride's mother
Second in line—Bride's father (optional)
Third in line—Groom's mother
Fourth in line—Groom's father (optional)
Fifth in line—Bride
Sixth in line—Groom
Seventh in line—Maid of honor
Eighth in line (and so on ... )—Bridesmaids (they may stand in any order they choose)
Superstitions: An old wives' tale says that if your younger sister gets married first, you have to dance barefoot at her wedding or you'll never find a husband.

The Party!
Once the guests have been properly greeted and have had their opportunity to hug the mothers and kiss the bride, FINALLY it's time to party. Everyone knows that the reception is the big party that follows the ceremony, where the guests get to celebrate the marriage with the newlyweds. You mingle with the guests, drink to your heart's content, and dance till your feet hurt. Most wedding receptions follow a format similar to this one:

1. The bride and groom are introduced to the crowd.
2. The new couple dance first.
3. The parents and bridal party join the couple on the dance floor.
4. Everyone joins the bridal party on the dance floor.
5. Everyone sits down for the first course or salad (if a buffet is served, people begin to eat).
6. People dance.
7. The main course is served (if it's a buffet, people continue to eat).
8. People dance more.
9. The bride dances with her father. 10. The groom dances with his mother.
11. More dancing and drinking.
12. The bride and groom cut the cake.
13. Dessert is served (if it's a buffet, the grazing continues).
14. More dancing and drinking.
15. The bride tosses her bouquet.
16. The groom tosses the bride's garter.
17. The best man tosses his cookies.
18. The man who catches the garter puts it on the leg of the woman who caught the bouquet.
19. The reception comes to a close and the newlyweds take off for Tahiti.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Wedding Rehearsal and the Rehearsal Dinner

2009-06-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

A mock battle or simulated skirmish introduces the soldiers to battle-like conditions so that they can troubleshoot before the actual, high-stakes occurrence.

THE REHEARSAL
Like any theatrical event, rehearsals are crucial for a successful show. We all know a wedding is one big Broadway extravaganza: boy lead, girl lead, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they kiss, they're married. There's music playing, people singing, and assigned seating. There's even a big dance number; it's called The Processional. (Right together, left together, right together, left together, stop, and turn...) Well, the wedding rehearsal is just a dress rehearsal without the fancy costumes. This is your opportunity to iron out all of the kinks in the program before the big show. You'll be performing live and you'll be subject to intense scrutiny. Perform beautifully, and you'll receive raves, maybe even applause; stumble, and the reviews will haunt you until the day you die. Without a rehearsal, who knows what kind of mayhem might break out at the wedding: bridesmaids wandering aimlessly around the altar or chuvah, like lost souls, wondering where they're supposed to stand; ushers racing down the aisle after the ceremony, leaving their designated bridesmaids behind. The rehearsal gives everyone in the wedding party an opportunity to go through the motions so that on the big day, when the director (a.k.a. the officiant) says "Places!", all the actors know where their places are. Traditionally done the night before the wedding, the point of the rehearsal is to give the whole bridal party a chance to "rehearse" the ceremony. A day or two before W-Day, the wedding party, the officiant, the musicians for the ceremony, and any other people participating in the ceremony (such as honored guests who might be reading a passage during the ceremony, flower children and so on) meet at the ceremony site to go through the motions. It is possible, particularly if the ceremony will not be in a church or synagogue, that the rehearsal will be just for the wedding party. It is also possible that the bride may choose not to rehearse, which may be all fine and dandy if the wedding will take place on a farm and the bridal party will be dressed in overalls. However, if the wedding is expected to be relatively traditional (for example, if guests will eat their meal with utensils and are expected to wear footwear), try to persuade the bride to have some form of rehearsal, even if it is extremely brief.

Weddings consist of three acts: the processional, the ceremony, and the recessional. It's important to know your place in each so that you can concentrate on trying to not to trip on the runner instead of wondering what you're supposed to do once you get to the end of the aisle. During the rehearsal, the wedding party practices the processional and the recessional and takes note of their positions for the ceremony. This is your only opportunity to practice your part, so be a good bridesmaid and try to pay attention.

The Processional
The processional as we know it today is actually a drastically abbreviated version of the first wedding processionals. While in our society the processional refers to the bridal party's walk down the aisle and up to the chupah or altar, it is a mere vestige of the original processional. In past centuries, whole villages marched through town from the bride's home to either the new home or the church. Some villages in countries around the world still per-form this processional ritual. But, chances are the whole town isn't invited to your wedding, and the people who are invited most likely won't be participating in a march through town, so it is safe to say that you can probably find your place in one of the standard processional formations listed in this section.
There are as many different styles of processionals as there are religions (including atheism) and it's important to know where you stand in each. Following are the most common processionals; please note your position in each.

PROTESTANT
In a Protestant procession, the officiant, the groom, and his best man are not a part of the procession. They are already positioned at the end of the aisle by the altar.

First—Ushers. Ushers enter from the back of the church in pairs, by height from shortest first to tallest last. If there is an odd number of ushers, the shortest usher should go down the aisle first. Spacing between each pair should be three to four pews.

Second—Bridesmaids. The bridesmaids follow right behind the ushers. If there are fewer than four bridesmaids, they should walk single file. While technically bridesmaids are not placed in order of importance during the processional, it is traditional that in the case where there are fewer than four bridesmaids, the bridesmaid who had the most responsibilities is at the back of this line, closest to the maid of honor. If the responsibilities were shared equally, the bridesmaids form a line according to height, with the most petite in front. Again, if there is an odd number of bridesmaids, the shortest goes first, by herself. More than four should pair off according to height. If there are junior bridesmaids, they follow the bridesmaids down the aisle, solo, in order of height.

Third—The maid of honor. The maid of honor follows the bridesmaids, or the junior bridesmaids if there are any. If there is a matron of honor as well, or two maids of honor, or two matrons of honor (or whatever!), they can walk down the aisle side-by-side or single file. It's the bride's choice.

Fourth—The ring bearer and flower girl. These young attendants follow the maid of honor. They can walk together or separately. In the case of the latter, the ring bearer goes first, and the flower girl goes right before the bride. While these young cherubs add charm to any ceremony, you may want to warn the bride about including extremely young children (under the age of two-and-a-half). We heard of an eighteen-month-old flower girl on her way down the aisle who announced to the guests that she had just gone "doo-doo". While some people think this is cute and adds a personal flair to the ceremony, not all brides are keen on diaper talk during a beautiful ceremony.

Fifth—The bride and her father. "Here comes the bride ..." The bride is always on the left arm of her father.

CATHOLIC
A Catholic processional is the same as a Protestant processional, with the option that the ushers may also already be stationed at the end of the aisle with the officiant, the groom, and the best man.

JEWISH
At a Jewish wedding, everyone in the wedding party, including the officiant and both the bride's and groom's immediate families, is usually a part of the processional. Although there are variations on the positioning of the bridal party in the Jewish processional depending on whether the ceremony is Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform, the common processional is as follows:

First—The rabbi. The rabbi is first to walk down the aisle. If there is a cantor, he walks alongside the rabbi, on his right side.

Second—The bride's grandparents. "Bubbe" and "Zayde," as the bride affectionately calls them, follow the rabbi.

Third—The groom's grandparents. This proud couple follows the bride's grandparents, a position from which Grandma Goldberg can check out Grandma Weinstein's gown and comment to her husband on the tackiness of wearing beading in the afternoon.

Fourth—Ushers and bridesmaids. Marching in pairs of twos made up of one usher and one bridesmaid, these couples proceed down the aisle together in order of height—shortest first, tallest last. Of course, if there are more bridesmaids than ush-ers, an usher may escort two bridesmaids down the aisle at once. This coed pairing can probably be traced back to a shrewd matchmaker in a long-ago shtetl. No self-respecting Yenta would ever pass up an opportunity to introduce a nice Jewish boy to a nice Jewish girl.

Fifth—The best man.

Sixth—The groom and his parents. In the Jewish procession, the groom is always escorted by his parents, with his father on his left and his mother on his right.

Seventh—The maid of honor. As in a Christian ceremony, if there are two honor attendants, they can walk either side-by-side or single file, with the honor attendant who has performed the most duties just before the bride.

Eighth—The ring bearer. The ring bearer follows the maid of honor and marches down the aisle solo.

Ninth—The flower girl. Like the ring bearer, the flower girl also marches down the aisle solo. See the outline of the Protestant processional for our caveat.

Tenth—The bride, her father, and her mother. Enter the main attraction. As with the groom, the bride is escorted by both parents; her father is on her left, her mother on her right.

An alternative processional for a Jewish wedding is that the ushers walk down the aisle separately from the bridesmaids. When this processional is used, the ushers walk after both sets of grandparents and before the best man. Still another kind of procession is found in Orthodox Jewish weddings, where the wedding procession does not include ushers.

CIVIL CEREMONY
This is where an on-site wedding coordinator comes in handy. Whether the wedding is at a large hotel or a small restaurant, there is a person in charge at the site who will know what type of procession best suits the site. Follow his or her lead.

The Ceremony
Rehearsing the ceremony is almost as critical as rehearsing the processional. Everyone has an assigned place and you need to know where that place is (see "He Does, She Does") Also, it is very important that anyone who has a special role in the ceremony has a chance to run through his or her part at least once. This will give everyone an opportunity to see how the ceremony is going to flow and to pick up their cues (such as when the maid of honor takes the bride's bouquet or the best man hands the groom the bride's ring). Whether you're reading a poem or playing an instrument, there are specifics you'll need to cover at the rehearsal—for instance, "How will my poem get to the lectern? Do I have to carry it?" or "How do I lower the microphone for my oboe solo?"

Also, everyone in the wedding party has a designated position once he or she reaches the end of the aisle. Depending on the denomination of the ceremony, the bride and groom and all of their attendants each have preassigned positions in the ceremony. Making neat little formations isn't easy (have you ever noticed on television how drill sergeants make enlisted men do all that marching?) and it will definitely take practice to get it just right. The following are the most common formations:

PROTESTANT

An alternative to this formation is when the officiant has his or her back to the guests and the couple, the maid of honor, and the best man face out. The attendants then form a semicircle around them, also facing the guests.

CATHOLIC
The positioning for the Catholic ceremony is identical to that of the Protestant ceremony.

JEWISH
In a Jewish ceremony, the bride, the groom, their parents, and the honor attendants all stand under the chupah, or wedding canopy. The ushers and bridesmaids stand neatly around the fringes of the chupah (after all, there is only so much room under a little canopy), and the grandparents sit down in the first row and take a load off (oy vayl). The following is the standard formation around the chupah:

The Recessional
You know the old saying: What goes up, must come down: Well, once everyone has marched down the aisle and the couple has said their "I do's," you have to go back up the aisle in order to leave the ceremony site and get to the bash that follows. Consult the following to figure out your place in each:

PROTESTANT
First—The happy couple. The groom on the left, the bride on his right.

Second—The ring bearer and the flower girl. The flower girl should be on the ring bearer's right. Third—The maid of honor and the best man. The maid of honor is on the best man's right side. Fourth—The first of the bridesmaids and the ushers. The bridesmaid and usher closest to the center aisle are the first to leave. The bridesmaid will be on the usher's right. (If thereare more bridesmaids than ushers, the usher can escort two bridesmaids at once).

Fifth—The rest of the bridesmaids and ushers. After the recessional, the maid of honor joins the bride, the groom, the best man, and the officiant in the signing of the marriage certificate, and then finally you're off to the reception. (Party, party, party!)

CATHOLIC
Same as the Protestant recessional.

JEWISH
In a Jewish recessional, the order is as follows, always with the female on the left: First—The happy couple. Second—The bride's parents. Third—The groom's parents. Fourth—The ring bearer and the flower girl. Fifth—The maid of honor and the best man. Sixth—The bridesmaids and ushers. The bridesmaid and usher closest to the center aisle are the first to leave. The others pair up and filter out behind them in kind. Seventh—The rabbi and the cantor. The cantor is on the rabbi's left.

As you can see, everybody has his or her place in a wedding; rehearsing the ceremony gives the entire party a chance to familiarize themselves with the flow of the ceremony and to get comfortable with their parts. Remember, a confident bridesmaid is a happy (and smiling) bridesmaid.

THE REHEARSAL DINNER
The rehearsal dinner follows the rehearsal. The groom's parents usually throw this event, but it can be given by someone from the bride's side or even just a close friend. The dinner can be attended by just the bridal party, or it can be open to all the out-of-town guests who have come for the wedding the following day. In a Christian ceremony, the groom's'parents are not a part of the processional or recessional and as such, it is not necessary for them to participate in the wedding rehearsal itself; however, they are always included in the rehearsal dinner.
If no bridesmaid luncheon has been given, either by the bride or the bridesmaids, it is at the rehearsal dinner that the bride gives her attendants a gift, thanking them for throwing the bridal shower, for assisting her in putting together the wedding, and for accepting an active role in the occasion.

Most important, the rehearsal dinner not only represents a meal for those tired souls who are exhausted from rehearsing for the big event; it is also an opportunity for the bridal party and close family to toast the bride and groom in a more intimate setting.

The rehearsal dinner is a great opportunity to share personal memories of the bride and/or the groom (not too personal, of course; remember that the bride's parents are listening and they may not appreciate the story about how Laura accidentally left her diaphragm out on the kitchen counter that time you had the Tupperware party) and to make any presentations you may have planned. One bridesmaid we know prepared a slide show of pictures of both the bride and groom growing up. Another bridesmaid presented the bride with a handmade ivory silk bag for the bride to carry on her wedding day. The rehearsal dinner is a much more informal setting than the wedding and is a wonderful occasion for sharing memories of the bride and groom with a more intimate group of friends and family.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Bachelorette Party

2009-06-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

The most successful covert operations take place under cover of night. Measures of success include: the target subject has been brainwashed with the appropriate propaganda; an environment has been plundered; booty is recovered; that these activities have not been captured on film; and all soldiers return home safely.

Bachelor parties are infamous for providing the groom with his last hurrah as a free man. Typically this party involves interaction with members of the opposite sex. As no self-respecting female would want to be any man's toy for one night, let alone a soon-to-be-married man surrounded by his lecherous pals, the women are usually of the bored, hired variety—strippers, hookers, exotic dancers at topless bars and so on. Although the groom pretends to relish the prospect of a sordid night out with his rowdy chug-a-lug buddies, it was one too many of these nights that sent him to Tiffany's engagement-ring counter in the first place. Most men come home from this primitive rite of passage relieved that it is over and convinced that their single friends' personal lives are pathetic. A lot more drinking goes on than real sweaty action.

WHY NOT?
So why should the guys have all the fun? Especially when, as in most things, women can do it better. Whether you choose port and cigars over damask-covered tables, or tequila and dancing on the tables, treat yourself to a girls' night out. A bachelorette party for the bride can recreate those bar-hopping nights during which you had to fend off men after accepting the drinks they bought and the days spent gossiping about the professional basketball player Cheryl made out with in a banquette. As the bride's mother is usually at the bridal shower, the bachelorette party is the ideal time to give the bride the sexy lingerie she'd rather not display in front of her mother and to reminisce about past boyfriends. All sorts of venues are available and can make for a memorable nighttime or weekend getaway.

PARTY IDEAS
1. A new trendy restaurant. This is a great, harmless place to play eye hockey with handsome men and flex your flirtation muscles while looking your best.
2. A favorite restaurant. If the group has a tried-and-true hangout, why not go there? Order artery-clogging foods that the health-conscious groom won't allow the bride to ingest, like cheeseburgers and fries. Wash it down with plenty of cheap beer and then pick out names for the next generation.
3. A weekend getaway at a spa. If you can afford it, this is really the luxurious weekend you'll want to make a tradition. Gretchen in the white coat will knead the tension knots out of the bride's neck and Lya will repair the bridal party's chewed fingernails. Pear salads and eucalyptus steam baths for everyone!
4. A weekend at a beach house or ski resort condo. Before she takes the big final step, the bride will appreciate the beach for long walks or the fresh air of an alpine mountain to clear her head. Rum is the preferred all-weather drink, whether mixed with Coke or hot buttered, and an excellent catalyst for mischief. Throw some Jimmy Buffett CDs into your duffel bag.
5. Disco night. Break out the satin and the platform shoes for a feverish night with the Bee Gees, the Bay City Rollers, and the Icon of Love, Barry White. The bride can bury her face
in a hairy chest under a multifaceted globe and come home with serpentine gold chain indentations on her cheek.
6. A cultural field trip. The bride loves Seurat; the groom is a contractor who would rather watch paint dry than contemplate the chromo-luminism of A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. Treat her to tickets for the most exciting museum show of the year in New York, Philadelphia, or Boston.
7. Brunch with the body builders. After Bloody Marys and eggs Benedict, take a road trip to watch men you'd never dream of marrying flex their biceps and twist their slick torsos at an out-of-state competition. Ask if you can feel their muscles. All of them.
8. A wine tasting. Occasionally vineyards hold wine-tasting nights, as do some restaurants. Under the starlit skies, sit at a picnic table with congenial strangers and sample the five main categories of wine. Start with a Bordeaux, sip from your neighbor's Meursault and reach for the Zinfandel. The food is an afterthought.
9. A cowboy bar. Go to the real ones where the men know how to line dance. Feel the reverberations of the sawdust floor as 50 couples kick up their boot heels. Feel your heart pound as Marlboro Man pulls you closer with callused hands. He rustles steer during the day and the pickup truck is parked just outside. He's called "Tex," and you never ask for a last name.
And then there's ... 10. The strip joint. Find an imaginative skin show that features men in uniforrn—doctor, lawyer, Indian chief—who take it all off. Peel a Ulysses S. Grant from a wad of bills and hand it to the bride to stick in a mustachioed policeman's holster. You know all these cheesy men are gay, but it's fun to watch their naked bodies gyrate and to shout, "Wag it!" The flower girl stays home.

It's usually wise to make this outing a couple of weeks before the wedding. Allow the bride time to recover from her night of reckless debauchery. Dark undereye circles diminish in two days. Bruised lips take longer. Throw her bachelorette party on the night the groom plays stupid drinking games with his ushers. You'll distract her from worrying about Fred hurting himself, and imagine how he'll feel when he climbs into bed at 3:00 a.m., calls Betsy, and gets no answer. If they are already cohabitating, he'll pace until she bursts in the front, door at 7:00 a.m., whistling Joe Cocker's "Feeling Alright." He'll comprehend that his future wife's friends know how to show her a better time than his own friends do him, and that she can handle it. He'll respect their joie de vivre and never extend a business trip.

Bridesmaid's Guide: Protocol/Etiquette (Part II)

2009-06-03T13:28:00.001-07:00

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

When a friend asks you to be her bridesmaid, realize that she's creating a fantasy and you're invited to join it. Remember when you were very young and played "pretend"? The neighborhood kid with the dominant personality (the bully) got to set the rules. Now you're an adult and the bride is the dominant personality, a princess who will be transformed into a queen during this play. Remember that it's already been established that she gets the hero, so the only way to win this game is to look noble while helping her achieve that perfect day. What if she grossly oversteps all boundaries of friendship and propriety? Why, set her straight. Of course, you'll try diplomacy before guerrilla tactics. Read on.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: I love my cousin dearly, but for her wedding, which is on Halloween, she has chosen orange bridesmaid dresses and green hats. We are supposed to carry a candle instead of flowers. I refuse to be dressed as a pumpkin!
—Spooked in Spokane
A: Dear Spooked,
Not only does this witch expect you to dress like a pumpkin, she's asking you to pay for the privilege. Unless she is planning a very campy wedding—that is, if the officiant is Dra-cula and the groom is going to bite the bride's neck—this costume is inappropriate for a traditional wedding. Alas, you cannot drop out because you hate the dress. If that were permitted, bridesmaids would be extinct.

Enlist the help of her mother and your own to exert subtle familial pressure. Invite the other bridesmaids to your house or schedule a conference call to discuss the regalia. If the other women concur that this attire is hideous, contact the bride and let her know that you all feel uncomfortable. If she still refuses to acquiesce, you've got to remember that this wedding is her dream, and the color and style of dress are a reflection of her taste, not your own. Don't ridicule her and make her feel like a fool. Bite the bullet, wear the dress, and laugh about it later.
Guerrilla tactics we would never recommend: If she insists and the attendants find themselves being fitted in orange tents at the bridal salon, pay an elegant stranger to whisper audibly: "Some brides try so hard to be original, it's just tacky." The elegant stranger's chic friend must murmur, "Yes, it is so sad." If all else fails and you must endure this indignity, don't throw rice at her after the Halloween ceremony. Throw pumpkin seeds.

Q: A good friend has just asked me to be her bridesmaid. Her wedding, to which I was invited, is next week. She told me I am replacing another friend who had to cancel because of an emergency. I feel insulted to be asked to be a member of the wedding party so late. How should I respond?
—Polly Proxy
A: Dear Ms. Polly,
You've been chosen! Forget grievances about being a "second-best" friend and accept. You say the bride is a good friend; welcome this milestone in your relationship, roll up your sleeves and you'll become an even better friend. However, if you're no Pollyanna and can't shake off the feeling that you're just a convenient stand in, go directly to "Just Say No" post. Better to be a cheerful guest than a churlish attendant.

Q: I've been a bridesmaid ten times and, unlike most women I know, I love the entire zany process! A co-worker recently asked if I'd be her bridesmaid. Of course, I accepted in a heartbeat, but now my worry is this: Am I obligated to ask each woman for whom I've been a bridesmaid to be my bridesmaid when I get married? If so, I am going to have to say no to this woman and everyone else until after I've had my own ceremony.
—Madcap Martyr
A: Dear Madcap Martyr,
You are truly one in a million. Doubtless many will be disappointed that they cannot march for you on your triumphant day, but fortunately you are not required to reciprocate the favor of asking someone to be your bridesmaid. Carry on!

Q: Along with five other bridesmaids, I am planning a shower for a bride who is insisting that we invite her father, brothers and fiance. We are livid, as we had planned an afternoon tea, and everyone knows that men won't eat finger sandwiches. We are all busy professionals and don't want to scrap our original plans. How do we satisfy her?
—Teed off in Boston
A: Dear Boston Tea Party,
I daresay that a bride who wants so many males present at such a traditionally female gathering would herself not fully appreciate the pleasures of a tea. If the wedding date allows, throw her shower on Super Bowl Sunday. Either the men won't come at all, or they will come with their own beer and pizza. She can explore both her yin and yang sides as you and the other bridesmaids share scones and lovely Devonshire cream. Remember, this is the one wedding event other than the bachelor party in which the bride has no say! The guest list/activities, and food are at the sole discretion of you and your fellow bridesmaids, who don't have to plan this nice occasion for the bride at all. Pass along this information to your rude bride. You don't have to satisfy her. That's the groom's job.

Q: I am my sister's maid of honor and want to plan her bridal shower, but I have read that the bride's relatives are not supposed to give the shower. Why not? How can I proceed without appearing gauche?
—Feeling Greedy
A: Dear Feeling Greedy,
Traditionally, members of the immediate family are not supposed to give the bridal shower, as it would appear unseemly to solicit gifts for a sister or daughter. However, it is the maid of honor who is officially responsible for the shower, and it is perfectly acceptable for a sister to be the maid of honor. The way out of this quandary is to ask an enthusiastic bridesmaid to be your co-coordinator and mail the invitations under her name.

Q: I am a maid of honor trying to plan a shower for a bride whose mother is already warring with the groom's mother over wedding arrangements. Each has offered to pay for all the shower expenses and has very specific ideas about the kind of shower I should give. How do I handle them?
—The Ref
A: Dear Ms. Ref,
Advise these dueling dowagers that as the maid of honor, you are the general in charge of this congenial function. You can give the bride a wonderful shower on a limited budget (see "The Bridal Shower") that allows you and the other bridesmaids to foot the bill. These women had their chance to serve at least three decades ago.
Accept their money only if they agree to follow your orders. If only for one day, they must be allies. Warn them that your primary goal is to make the bride happy at her shower. If they break their peace treaty, they cannot sit down at the table.

Q: The bride never asked me whether I'd be bringing a date to the wedding. Shall I tell her first, or can I just show up with him?
—Lucky in Love
A: Dear Lucky,
Refrain from surprising the bride, other than with a bridal shower. Ask her if you can bring an escort (see "Your Date," p. 91). Usually, a wedding invitation extends to a spouse or significant other. If she allows you to bring your Romeo, take the quiz on p. 93 before you tell him the good news.

Q: As a bridesmaid, I helped plan and attended one shower for the bride. Now her co-workers have asked me to one that they are giving. Must I go and do I have to buy a second gift?
—Broke in Brooklyn
A: Dear Broke,
It would be nice if you went and met these other friends of the bride, but you do not have to bring a second shower gift. This would be excessive. In addition to the bridal attendants, family friends, colleagues and distant relatives may want to give showers. If several people want to give the bride a shower, they should consult with the bride so she can help divide the guest lists. The shower should be a pleasantly anticipated event, rather than a burden, so nobody should be invited to more than two.

Q: I am the matron of honor for a bride who has been married once before. What kind of shower is suitable?
—Sticky Situation
A: Dear Sticky,
Ask the bride what she wants. She may feel uncomfortable asking friends who participated in her first shower to come to a second, bearing more gifts. Consider a small luncheon. Lavish gifts would be inappropriate and standard house-warming gifts are probably unnecessary.

Q: I've already purchased and paid for the bridesmaid dress that the bride originally selected for her wedding. She has since fallen in love with a new dress and has asked all the bridesmaids to buy this dress also. What can I do?
—Friends with Flaky
A: Dear Friend,
A bride must be compassionate. Her fickleness should not strain your finances. Even if all her bridesmaids can afford another dress, it is wrong. Take her aside and tell her that your budget for her wedding does not allow for a second dress. Unless she wants to pay for this dress, regretfully state that you are going to have to drop out of the wedding party.

Q: I am Jewish and will be a bridesmaid at my friend's Catholic wedding. Am I supposed to participate in the religious part of the ceremony?
—Clueless in Cleveland
A: Dear Clueless,
Yes, the attendants are supposed to take part in the ceremony, even if the attendant belongs to another faith. You may not take communion or drink from the chalice, but you should join in the prayer and kneel, stand, kneel, stand with all the other guests in the church.

Q: The bride and groom are both recently graduated students. I'd like to give them cash, but heard that this is not appropriate as a wedding present. Can I break the rules?
—Practical in Poughkeepsie
A: Dear Practical,
The argument against cash has always been that it is wrong for the bride and groom to know the monetary value of your gift. Well, don't they also know the dollar amount for every item for which they've registered? We dismiss this etiquette rule as outdated and say that money is a practical, always happily accepted gift; has it ever been exchanged because it was the wrong color?

Q: I saw a crystal vase that I would like to buy for the bride and groom, but it was at a store where they are not registered. The bride grows roses and I think this vase would look spectacular in their new home. Can I still buy it for them?
—Dream Guest
A: Dear Guest,
Yes. The best gifts are the ones chosen with care and given with love in your heart. This sounds like that kind of gift.

Being a bridesmaid can strain a friendship, or it can bring two friends closer together. At times your duties will feel anachronistic, but there is nothing old-fashioned about supporting a friend. Who needs etiquette and good manners? We all do. They are the basis for wonderful friendships that reward you with comfort and happiness all your life—including the day you get to enact your own long-held wedding fantasy!

ANECDOTES
The Good

A Connecticut bride eloped at the last minute, exasperated by the bickering between her mother and the groom's mother over the wedding plans. She made arrangements with the bridal boutique to buy back her attendant's gowns and then sent them each a bouquet of tea roses—the flowers they were supposed to hold during the ceremony.
A New Jersey bride planned a very extravagant wedding complete with haute couture bridesmaid gowns, recognized the economic burden she had placed on one of her less financially able bridesmaids, and discreetly offered to cover part of her expenses. The offer was gratefully accepted.
A reluctant bridesmaid from Los Angeles gave up her Fourth of July weekend to fly to Houston for her college roommate's wedding. At the rehearsal dinner she was seated next to an usher who was also from Los Angeles. Fireworks ensued and they were married two years later during the Fourth of July weekend in their own city.
One Manhattan bridesmaid, short on cash from living in the fast lane, was able to negotiate a lay-a-way plan with the sympathetic store owner with whom the bride made arrangements for the bridesmaids' gowns. This arrangement made it possible for her to proudly fulfill her bridesmaid's duties and pay Con Ed.
A young single rabbi was asked to perform the marriage ceremony for one of the couples in his congregation. At the wedding, the father of the bride invited the Rabbi to stay for the reception and introduced him to his other daughter—the maid of honor. A match was made and they were married the next year!
After catching her third consecutive bouquet at a friend's wedding, a frustrated Philadelphia bridesmaid vowed never to participate in the useless ritual again. Later that year, as a bridesmaid in a college roommate's wedding, she was cajoled into participating in the dreaded toss. Once again, she was victorious. She cringed at the idea of having to endure some lout placing the garter on her leg and watched the garter toss in agony. The winner? The groom's handsome roommate from Yale law school. As he moved the garter up her thigh, her body temperature rose. The two were married within the year.

The Bad

In Manhattan, a maid of honor who was trying to plan a shower with the bride's future sister-in-law became incensed when the relative never returned any of her phone calls. She ultimately mailed out the shower invitations without listing the girl's name alongside her own for the R.S.V.P. The groom called her to complain and told her to apologize to his sister.
During a postceremony photo session, a gushing Michigan bridesmaid holding a glass of wine went to congratulate the bride. An excited guest ran up behind her, and threw his arms out to embrace them both. He knocked the wine all over the front of the bride's gown—before she even had a chance to greet any of her guests! The moral? Always serve white wine at a wedding reception.
After the processional to the chupah at a Boston wedding, one matron of honor took it upon herself to entertain the guests during the ceremony with a Charleston jig. She was ostracized during the reception.
A Southern bridesmaid visiting up North didn't understand the nickname "Denise the Menace" given to a sweet-looking, towheaded flower girl. During pictures before the ceremony, when the visiting bridesmaid was asked to hold the flower girl, the child bit her.
One Dallas bride arranged for a hairdresser to come to her hotel room and do both her and her bridesmaids' hair. A selfish bridesmaid was unhappy with her coif and insisted that the hairdresser style her hair again and again until she was satisfied. The bride was still waiting her turn. Eventually, the bride had to do her own hair.
A Miami bridesmaid was asked to wear a bright banana-yellow dress, and was told at the rehearsal that the processional would consist of dancing down the aisle, in a traditional ethnic ceremony. (And you were worried you'd slip ...)

And the Ugly

A bewildered Rhode Island bridesmaid was stranded on the dance floor in the middle of the first waltz when her partner, the usher who had escorted her down the aisle, was hauled away by his 300-pound date as she hissed that he'd been "too willing."
One New York bridesmaid didn't leave enough time to drive to a wedding in Boston. She got stuck in traffic and arrived five minutes before she was due for pictures. Having planned to primp at the hotel, she ultimately had to go to the wedding unshowered!
A Kentucky bride received a cocker spaniel puppy from her groom. She asked her maid of honor to hold "Cupcake" while she had her hair done. The dog wet on the maid of honor's gown. The bride laughed and commented that the dog was as nervous as his mistress. As for the urine-soaked gown, she joked, "Well, the show must go on!"
During a bouquet toss at a Boston wedding, a group of young unmarried women eagerly awaited the pitch. When the bouquet was thrown, a sixtyish woman who had been through a recent bitter divorce dashed in front of the maidens, snatched the bouquet, and shouted, "I need this more than you!"
One New York City maid of honor, the sister of the bride, organized a surprise engagement party at a renowned hotel and informed guests it would be a cash bar. Appropriately, she wrote "no gifts" on the invitation, then called certain friends of the bride to tell them that the "no gifts" request didn't apply to them, and they really shouldn't come "empty-handed."

Bridesmaid's Guide: Protocol/Etiquette (Part I)

2009-06-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

[Etiquette is] a substitute for war.
—elbert hubbard

Imagine yourself at an elegant French restaurant with the handsome, smart guy you've been dating for several months. He's meeting your parents for the first time. Suddenly he picks up the flower vase, tosses the blooms, and replenishes his water glass with the contents of the vase. You're flabbergasted and horrified. You think, "Who is this guy? What other bizarre behavior will he treat me to if I stick around?"

Sometimes even the most intelligent and sensible people get a little nervous when the spotlight is on them. Combine scrutiny with flashbulbs and a finger bowl and suddenly they're acting as if they were raised in a barn. You laugh—but at a wedding, this could be you. One certain way to avoid socially short-circuiting and making a spectacle of yourself is to rely on your good breeding (or just follow our advice).

Growing up, you were taught everything you needed to know about table manners and how to be a charming weekend guest, but chances are your mother or other legal guardian let wedding etiquette slide. Now that the wedding invitations outnumber the J. Crew catalogs in your mailbox, you find yourself wondering if it's crass to give cash as a gift and whether it is acceptable to have a date accompany you. As a wedding guest, you can often get by on common sense and with some advice-seeking phone calls. But the day you receive The Call, the questions multiply and issues of dignity loom. Good wishes and a mail-order gift won't suffice. The time has come for a new level of professionalism. As a bridesmaid, you've got to do more than show up.

You've got to behave.
A wedding is the bride and groom's Big Day, but all eyes are on the entire wedding party. A not-so-funny thing can happen when you put on a dress that's been picked out especially for you—and five other girls. You may feel a lot more like window dressing than the beloved friend the bride wanted to include in her wedding. Fears of resembling decoration understandably lead to feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. You may be seized with an urgency to assert your individuality. Perhaps you'll roar into the church parking lot on your Harley-Davidson while the bells are chiming, or nuzzle the priest on the dance floor, or pull out your harmonica and jam with the band. Forget it. Stand out by knowing the drill and performing it with grace. This is what breeding is about. It doesn't shout, it shows.

THE WELL-MANNERED BRIDESMAID
Manners adorn knowledge, and smooth its way through the world. —Lord Chesterfield
Protocol? Etiquette? No, these are not concepts that became outmoded when Eisenhower left office. They are virtually synonymous. Protocol is a code, established by precedence. It is a rule that you can memorize and follow. Etiquette is the conduct prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life. Etiquette and protocol are traditional rules of behavior established over generations. These social codes impose order on a complex world and remind people to interact honorably and with sensitivity. You learn etiquette at home, by watching and mimicking role models. You exercise etiquette—good manners—with the help of instinct, sound judgment, and your heart. The rules of etiquette may sometimes seem inflexible, but should be viewed as a helpful road map across unfamiliar territory, or simply the double yellow line on a road well traveled. As a blue-blooded race-car driver once observed, protocol tells you how to put the wheel on the axle, etiquette is the grease that makes the wheel spin, and good manners inspire the winner of the race to shake hands with the other drivers. Protocol tells you through which door to make an entrance; etiquette tells you how and to whom you introduce yourself once you are inside. The warmth of your introduction and the personalized gift you thought to bring are the admirable manners that get you invited back. Get it? Protocol and etiquette can be diagrammed; manners makes elegant use of the diagram, doesn't flaunt the diagram, and never embarrasses others who don't have it. Traditions change, but what follows are some protocol basics for bridesmaids to remember, along with ABCs that distinguish well-mannered bridesmaids from the ill-mannered.

1. The prospective bridesmaid responds to the bride's invitation to be a member of the wedding party if not immediately, as promptly as possible. As soon as she has a wedding date in mind, the bride is obligated to inform as many family members and close friends as she can, so no one feels slighted by hearing the exciting news secondhand. When the bride makes these calls, she asks some individuals to be attendants. Therefore, help her out by giving her an answer as quickly as you can.

An assenting bridesmaid first asks the bride to give her an estimation of the costs involved and has checked her bank account to ensure it can withstand the financial burden of the mission.
The ambitious prospective bridesmaid inquires about the number of single men who will be at the wedding before confirming that she can participate.

2. The bridesmaid is not expected to respond to the wedding invitation she receives. As she has agreed to be a bridesmaid, it is understood that she will be at the wedding. The invitation is sent to be kept as a memento.

A beloved bridesmaid includes the invitation at the end of a personalized scrapbook she presents to the bride at the shower,
The battle-weary bridesmaid throws the invitation into a drawer with her diaphragm, her condoms, and the fifteen other wedding invitations that have arrived in the mail this year.

3. Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, accessories, and travel expenses. The bride should make lodging available for out-of-town attendants with nearby relatives and friends, and arrange for group rates at a local hotel. If a bridesmaid prefers to stay at the local hotel, she is responsible for her bill.

A generous bride may help her bridesmaid with some of these expenses. If the bride's maiden name is Hilton or Marriott, her attendants ought to concern themselves with room service rather than room rates.
A cost-conscious bridesmaid cheerfully accepts the accommodations at Aunt Dora's home and sleeps in a bunk bed.
The cheap bridesmaid totals her expenses and deducts this sum from the price of what she will spend on the wedding gift.

4. Bridesmaids wear the dress the bride has chosen for her wedding attendants. Ideally, the bride has selected three styles from which her attendants can chose.

A diplomatic bridesmaid sensibly steers the bride toward an attractive dress that is affordable for all attendants.
The determined bridesmaid insists on the dress that is most flattering to her figure; the wedding is her opportunity to meet her future husband.

5. Bridesmaids assure the bride that the dress they must wear is a vision of couture, especially when compared to other bridesmaid dresses they've seen or had to wear previously.

An economical bridesmaid already knows the name of the consignment shop that will resell the dress for her.
The environmentally conscious bridesmaid recycles the gown as a scarecrow for her vegetable garden and forgets to remove it before the bride comes over for tea after her honeymoon.

6. Bridesmaids organize and pay for the bridal shower.

A frugal bridesmaid comparison-shops for the caterer that will give them the biggest bang for their buck.
The forgetful bridesmaid never booked the private room at the restaurant where the shower is being held.

7. Bridesmaids defer to the maid of honor in matters of planning the bridal shower.

A gracious bridesmaid offers useful suggestions about place, theme, and guest list.
The grudging bridesmaid shows up late to indicate her displeasure with the early hour set for the shower, and spikes, the punch because nobody else wanted mimosas.

8. Bridesmaids cooperate with each other.

A harmonious bridesmaid exchanges her phone number with the other attendants and goes with the flow.
The halfhearted bridesmaid doesn't know the names of her comrades. The hell-bent bridesmaid treats every detail as a matter of life and death.

9. Bridesmaids assist the bride with wedding-related errands and, if the bride is not having a calligrapher address her invitations, may help address them by hand.

An indefatigable bridesmaid offers to pick up the helium tank' for the reception party balloons with her Ford Explorer when she hears that all the ushers drive Miatas.
The inept bridesmaid takes her car to the repair shop the week before the wedding, owns a broken answering machine, and leaves traces of her lipstick on each envelope that she seals.

10. Bridesmaids participate in all pre-wedding parties and wedding-related functions. These may include an engagement party, the bridal shower, a luncheon for the bridesmaids, a rehearsal dinner, and a breakfast the morning after the wedding.

A joyful bridesmaid is always punctual and ready with a camera to record those special moments.
The jealous bridesmaid is available only for the wedding ceremony, or attends only some of the functions, making it amply clear to all other participants the many appointments she had to juggle to make her presence possible. She, not the bride, is the star.

11. Bridesmaids entertain the bride on the night when the groom is at his bachelor's party.

A kindly bridesmaid arranges a lovely dinner for the bride at her favorite restaurant.
The kinky bridesmaid pays a gorgeous fireman to show up at the bride's door after her lovely dinner.

12. Bridesmaids assuage the bride's last-minute misgivings about her future husband.

A loyal bridesmaid tells the bride that her jitters are natural.
The lethal bridesmaid reveals rumors she's heard about the groom's infidelities.

13. Bridesmaids arrive at the dressing site two hours before the ceremony and assist the bride with her gown and grooming preparation.

A meticulous bridesmaid arranges a carpool with other attendants and brings a survival kit with extra stockings, clear nail polish, and other necessities.
The messy bridesmaid shows up late with her dog in tow.

14. Bridesmaids sign the wedding guest book.

A noteworthy bridesmaid neatly signs her name and records a personal remark that the bride will always treasure.
The nosy bridesmaid flips through the book and reads everyone else's entry while other guests wait to add their own names and good wishes.

15. Bridesmaids arrive dressed at the ceremony site one hour before the wedding for photographs.

An optimistic bridesmaid smiles charmingly on command so the session doesn't last two hours.
The obnoxious bridesmaid wears false eyelashes that flutter in the breeze and perfume that makes everyone sneeze.

16. Bridesmaids walk behind ushers in order of height during the processional, either in pairs or in single file.

A poised bridesmaid stands straight and smiles without fail.
The political bridesmaid refuses to walk behind an usher and carries her bouquet like a firearm.

17. Bridesmaids stand to the left of the maid of honor and slightly behind her during the ceremony, facing the officiant.

A qualified bridesmaid knows to be quiet while she listens to the cherished words that the bride and groom exchange during the ceremony.
The quixotic bridesmaid recites the vows that she would have written.

18. Bridesmaids are escorted out by the ushers (to each usher's right) immediately following the maid of honor and the best man during the recessional.

A reasonable bridesmaid adjusts her pace to that of the couple in front of her and trusts that her escort will do the same.
The reproachful bridesmaid trips herself on the dress she didn't want to pay a tailor to hem and hisses at her companion to slow down.

19. Bridesmaids stand to the left of the maid of honor in the receiving line (optional). Check with the bride; she may ask that her bridesmaids circulate among the guests instead.

A sociable bridesmaid greets each guest with warm words of welcome.
The shocking bridesmaid offers guests unsolicited comments about the suitability of the nuptial match and, while gulping from her glass, apologizes that the champagne is Californian and not French.

20. Bridesmaids compliment the mother of the bride on how youthful she looks.

A thoughtful bridesmaid opines that the mother of the bride can still fit into the gown she wore on her wedding day.
The toxic bridesmaid asks her who does her collagen injections.

21. Bridesmaids sit next to the ushers at the head table in alternating seats. At the head table where the wedding party is seated, there should be place cards.

An understanding bridesmaid does not tap her glass incessantly with her silverware, demanding that the bride and groom kiss for the crowd.
The unrestrained bridesmaid switches placecards so she is seated next to the sexiest usher, then removes the satin ribbon from her napkin and ties the usher's wrist to his chair.

22. Bridesmaids do not react inappropriately to sentimental toasts.

A vigilant bridesmaid never yawns while the father of the bride drones on nostalgically about his little girl who has grown up.
The vampish bridesmaid winks at the groom as he toasts his new wife.

23. Bridesmaids may offer a toast, but only after the best man's toast, the groom's toast to his bride, and words from the bride, parents, and relatives.

A witty bridesmaid composes a clever and short poem to wish the bride and groom a loving and prosperous future together.
The wanton bridesmaid reveals that she and the groom played Spin the Bottle in junior high and that she hopes his technique has improved since then.

24. Bridesmaids dance with ushers and other important guests.

A Xenon dance-clubbing bridesmaid foxtrots with the bride's groping fifteen-year-old brother, makes the bride's grandfather feel like Fred Astaire, and comes equipped with a pair of rubber-soled flats.
The xenophobic bridesmaid refuses to dance with men she doesn't' know. The X-rated bridesmaid wants to lambada stripped down to her black leather G-string.

25. Bridesmaids tell the bride repeatedly that she has never looked so radiant and everything is perfect.

A yielding 'bridesmaid allows the bride to be the center of attention.
The yearning bridesmaid asks, "What about me?"

26. Bridesmaids circulate among the guests and act as deputy-hostesses.

A zealous bridesmaid makes a point of engaging any guest who is standing alone in light, friendly conversation and setting him or her at ease.
The Zen bridesmaid sits quietly by herself meditating.

27. Bridesmaids encourage single women to participate in the bouquet-tossing ceremony. This usually takes place in the last half hour of the reception.

An altruistic bridesmaid allows charity cases optimum catch position.
The aggressive bridesmaid body-checks any female over fifteen who gets between her and a fistful of flying lilies.

28. Like any other guest, the bridesmaid has a year to give the couple a wedding present.

Sometimes, it makes sense to wait a year. If the couple is buying a new home, they'll appreciate receiving gifts at their new address. A bullish bridesmaid buys the newly weds four place settings, anticipating the needs of a young family.
Sometimes, it makes sense to wait a year. You never know— what do you think their chances are! The bookie bridesmaid calculates the couple's odds of staying together and indiscreetly collects for the pot.

Having a grasp of wedding etiquette is essential to your survival as a bridesmaid. The bridesmaid of good character understands that her performance speaks volumes about her respect and love for the bride. She'll use these guidelines to express her awareness about the bride's special concerns and needs at this tumultuous time, and to complete her mission with grace and ease. When in doubt, assess the circumstances, and refer to the codes you have memorized. Decide upon the most common-sensical and kind solution, take action, and keep a sense of humor. No matter how intimidated you are by the shifting moods of the bride or the demands of her tyrannical mother, you'll breathe easier knowing that there are certain unchanging rules with which you've armed yourself before entering the strange and chaotic world they've constructed, which probably feels like a jungle.

Bridesmaid's Guide: Bridal Shower Themes

2009-06-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

Although we prefer the old-fashioned "girls only" showers (hanging out with girlfriends is cathartic, and it lends to our mystique), many people nowadays insist on inviting both men and women to bridal showers. If this is really what you want, then fine, but keep in mind that most men just don't really appreciate the ritual. If you do opt for a co-ed shower, try to gear the shower theme and games toward something both the women and men will appreciate. A Victorian tea makes for a beautiful shower, but very few guys can comfortably hold a teacup.
Whether you decide to have a co-ed shower or a shower for "girls only," having a theme can make a party more personal and add charm as well as provide you with a general guideline for decorations and games. There is no limit to the kinds of shower you can throw; most important, a theme that is chosen to reflect the couple's interests and tastes will guarantee gifts they can use. The following is a list of common, and not-so-common themes.

Wishing Well. This is the most traditional of themes and is also often used as an accompaniment to another theme. We like to think of this as a "gadget" shower because it calls for guests to bring a small secondary gift—a gadget—that the couple can use in their kitchen or home. The gadgets (which can be marked with the guests' names, or not) are placed in a small fake well covered in cheap-looking lace or crepe paper (why this design has caught on is beyond us). After the bride opens her other gifts, she opens the treats in the well. That's it. That's the whole theme. The point is to buy little things she won't think to buy but are useful, such as a flashlight, corn holders, a garlic peeler, a mushroom scrubber, an egg timer, a meat thermometer, a melon bailer, or a vegetable peeler.

Time-of-Day Shower. For this shower theme, each guest is assigned a different time of day (7:00 a.m., 8:00 a.m., 9:00 a.m., and so on) and is supposed to bring a gift that is useful at that hour or reflects the mood of that time of day. It's okay, if you have a lot of guests, to break times into half-hour intervals. This is a great way to ensure that the bride will receive gifts she can use throughout the day. Interesting sample gifts:
7:00 a.m.—massaging shower head
8:00 a.m.—-egg cups, breakfast-in-bed tray
9:00 a.m.—cereal bowls, coffeemaker
10:00 a.m.—toaster oven
11:00 a.m.—newspaper subscription
12:00 noon—breadbox
1:00 p.m.—picnic basket
2:00 p.m.-—videotape of Love in the Afternoon starring Audrey
Hepburn and Gary Cooper 3:00 p.m.—afghan throw (nap time) 4:00 p.m.—tea kettle
5:00 p.m.—a foot massager (long day, aching feet) 6:00 p.m.—one or more settings of the registered dinnerware 7:00 p.m.—pizza stone with all of the fixin's (pizza cutter, recipes)
8:00 p.m.—wine glasses
9:00 p.m.'—brandy glasses
10:00 p.m.—universal remote for the television
11:00 p.m.—lingerie, sex toys (don't forget batteries)
12:00 midnight—popcorn popper (for late-night munchies)

Kitchen Shower. If the bride or groom loves to cook, this is a great idea. Guests bring gifts for the kitchen: pots, pans, griddles, icecream makers, waffle irons, place settings, cookbooks, baskets of utensils, and so on.

Around-the-House Shower. Each guest is assigned a different room in the house and brings a gift for that room. This will vary the type of gifts the bride receives.

Lingerie Shower. (Is the mother of the bride going to be there?)

Linen Shower. Guests bring bed linens, towels, and so on, as gifts. Before you throw this kind of shower as a theme, check the bride's registry to see if she has requested this stuff. If she hasn't, stay away from this theme; chances are she'll want to pick her own linens.

Time-of-Year Shower. Assign each guest a month and have them bring gifts that reflect their designated months. This is also a good theme for decorations; you can decorate the tables in different seasons. Gift ideas include: February, lingerie; June, an iced-tea pitcher and tumblers; October, an afghan or wool blanket; December, a cappuccino maker and/or mugs.
Seasonal Shower. Same as the Time-of-Year Shower, but broken down by seasons—spring, summer, fall, winter.

Hobby Shower. Everyone brings gifts that reflect the couple's favorite hobbies or activities. If the couple is extremely active, gifts could range from one-year memberships at a health club to home free weights. Are they an outdoorsy kind of couple? Try camping stuff (such as tents, a hibachi, mess kits, and so on). A hammock can remind them to enjoy some quiet time together.
Scrapbook Shower. Along with miscellaneous gifts, guests bring either a scrap of something they shared with the bride—such as ticket stubs or an old picture—or a written anecdote about the bride. Everyone saves this kind of junk; some pretty wonderful stuff will turn up. During the shower, everyone pastes her scrap or anecdote into a scrapbook for the bride to keep.
Recipe Shower. Everyone brings, along with her gift, a favorite recipe. Collect them in a recipe file for the bride to keep. This can be done in conjunction with the Kitchen Shower.
Invent some of your own! Shower themes can be personalized to encompass anything, from the location of the honeymoon (a Hawaiian theme) to how the couple met (Gym theme). Decorate accordingly and you're off!

SHOWER GAMES
Okay, so the guests have come from all corners of the state and even farther, lugging large, expensive gifts. Are you going to have them just sit around eating and ooMng and ahhing while the bride opens her gifts? Boring! That's why the bridal shower game was created—so that we can inject a little flavor into this redundant ritual and tease the bride at the same time, all in the name of good old-fashioned fun. Some ideas for shower games and activities include the following:

The Bridal-Gown Game. Hostesses provide lots of rolls of toilet paper. Guests get assigned to groups of four and each group gets one roll of toilet paper. Each group selects a model; they proceed to design a wedding gown and headpiece for her made out of toilet paper. No tape or glue is allowed. Then there is a fashion show and the bride chooses the best gown. Each person in that group wins a prize. (See the list of suggested prizes).

The Clothespin Game. This traditional game has been around forever. When each guest arrives, she gets a clothespin put on her sleeve. The guests are instructed that they are not allowed to cross their legs during the party. Whoever catches someone else crossing her legs gets the offender's clothespin. If that person has several clothespins, the person who caught her claims them all. The point is to collect as many as possible. The woman with the most pins at the end of the shower wins a prize.

The Roast. Guests are asked to come prepared with little pieces of poetry or anecdotes about the bride to read aloud at the shower. This game can get ugly, however.

The Wedding-Night Game. Another traditional game is for one of the bridesmaids to secretly write down each exclamation or remark made by the bride as she opens each gift. After all of the gifts are opened, the remarks are read to the guests as the things she is going to say on her wedding night. The responses range from "OOOOOO" and "AAAaaahhhh" to "I'm so excited" or "Oh, it's so beautiful." You get the point. Another twist on this inane, yet somehow pretty entertaining ritual is to add the words "under the sheets" after each remark. (Personally, we don't think this is as funny.)

The Trivia Quiz. Ahead of time, a sheet of questions about the couple, some of which are about things that can only be guessed, is prepared and copies are made. At the shower, the quiz sheets are distributed to the guests. Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins. Since the. bride knows the answers, she is the judge. Here are some sample questions we think will get the party rolling:

1. Where did the bride and groom meet?
2. The groom is a ____ man.
a) leg b) breast c) butt d) other
3. What does the bride like best about the groom?
4. The couple's first date was where?
5. The couple's first trip together was to where?
6. What is the exact day the bride or groom proposed?
7. What is the groom's favorite activity or hobby?
8. What is the bride's favorite activity or hobby?
9. What kind of birth control does the couple use?
10. If the groom were a fruit, what would he be? Why?
Note: (Of course, the more shockable the guests—such as Great-gramma Flo and her 70-year-old spinster daughter—the tamer the questions should be.)

Suggested prizes. "Door prizes," as they are commonly known, are a great way to provide a little incentive and introduce some friendly competition into a shower game. They are also nice tokens of the shower for the victors and they don't have to be expensive. Try small picture frames, sachets, attractive note pads, atomizers, silver-plated bookmarks, a small plant, and so on.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Bridal Shower

2009-06-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Advancement within the military institution often points to great success in domestic politics. Ruthlessness and cunning are qualities required for both. Hence, in a reciprocally beneficial relationship, one often glorifies and aggrandizes the other.

The bridal shower is the most well known, and the most feared, of the bridesmaid's responsibilities. The tradition is believed to date back several centuries to Holland, where a young woman was deprived of her customary dowry because her father disapproved of her marriage to a poor miller. Supportive friends and villagers "showered" her with gifts for her new household. Perhaps the Dutch bride received plates, cookware, and a farm animal or two; the gifts certainly reflected the community's intent to give the new bride what she most needed to set up her own home. Such is still the tradition today.

Unlike the straightforward bridal showers of yesteryear, today we attempt to dress up the objective by playing silly games and telling embarrassing stories about the bride's past. We provide the guests with a little entertainment before we thank them graciously for their gifts and send them on their way. The prime directive of showers past and present has remained the same: people get together to give the bride lots of useful loot so she can feather her nest. Rather than villagers banding together, it is now obligatory for the bridesmaids to sponsor this event and solicit gifts on the bride's behalf.

Throwing a bridal shower is a time-consuming and costly venture. For some brides, this is the most important pre-wedding event. Not only do you need to satisfy your own sense of duty by throwing a beautiful party you can be proud of, but you have to take into consideration the bride's expectations of what a shower should be. If she's a sweet, old-fashioned girl who is fond of coordinating her headband to her purse, you should think twice before throwing the shower at your favorite local barbecue joint. Remember, this shower is for her; you may have to compromise your personal style a bit to plan an event you'll both remember fondly. Does this mean that when you plan Buffy's shower you must outshine her coming-out party at the Waldorf-Astoria, sacrificing yourself to the great Visa god? Absolutely not! You can throw all kinds of perfectly wonderful (and tasteful) bridal showers to complement a variety of tastes and still have enough money left over to pay your phone bill.

Superstitions: It's good luck if the first gift the bride-to-be opens is the first gift she uses.

PLANNING THE EVENT
Traditionally, the maid of honor and/or the bridesmaids throw the shower a month or more before the wedding, but very often a relative or the mother of the bride or groom will want to be involved in the planning as well. Although etiquette frowns on an immediate family member hosting the shower, the sad truth is that it can be difficult to recruit assistance for this task. Accept the volunteers who come forward, regardless of blood ties. If you're a woman with a career and a personal life, you'll welcome the extra hands. Have you heard the old tale about the hen who asks everyone in town to help her bake bread and doesn't find a willing participant until the bread emerges fresh from the oven? Planning a party is similar: everyone wants to savor the fruits of your labor, but no one wants to contribute time, energy, or dough. Manners mavens may be sticklers for the rule that bans mothers and sisters from sending the invitations, but we believe that nowadays, with so many brides marrying later in life and paying for their weddings independently, the immediate family's involvement is acceptable. If Mrs. Lowenstein insists on footing the bill when you plan the shower, and you're struggling to make your next car payment, take her up on her offer. Your friend won't love you any less and you won't go broke. Just be sure that Mrs. L. is going to let you plan the shower; accepting money can be a tricky business. Oftentimes, inflexible opinions accompany financial support. If Mrs. L's money has strings attached that are going to cause you migraines, make do with the money you collect from the other bridesmaids along with what you can contribute yourself.

The following advice has been designed to guide you through the bridal-shower planning process and will help you plan an event you and your fellow attendants can be proud of.

Superstitions: The giver of the first or seventh gift opened will be the next one married.

Six months before the shower, start planning. Get together with the other bridesmaids and the maid of honor to discuss the basics of the shower. The maid of honor should head up this effort, but don't wait for her to call. If you don't hear from her by at least four months before the wedding, contact her. If everyone lives in the same town, get together for lunch, dinner, or margaritas to discuss ideas for the shower. When all the attendants are old friends, organizing the shower can be a breeze; but five women who have no relationship to one another other than a shared mutual friendship with the bride may not readily cooperate with one another. In fact, the fur can fly. Remember that this shower is for someone you are all close to and it doesn't matter if you still blame Jodi for stealing the bride's previous boyfriend. She's forgiven Jodi and moved on (clearly!) and so should you. Now is not the appropriate time for grudges. Resist the temptation of cattiness and focus- on the primary objective: an outstanding shower for your friend. Besides, there's plenty of time to verbally bash the offending party after the reception.
Superstitions: The giver of the third gift opened will be the next to have a baby.
Define your budget. Whether you're one person or twelve, the budget is the single biggest determinant for the style of shower you will throw. A dinner party is more lavish and expensive. A brunch or tea is also quite elegant, but will be a fraction of the cost. Knowing how much money everyone has to spend will help you make this decision. While it is the maid of honor's duty to head up the efforts behind the shower, you are expected, unless otherwise stated, to contribute both financially and otherwise to the event. When "the sky's the limit," terrific. But in most cases, pooling resources is the best way to put together a great party as inexpensively as possible. Creativity and friendship, more than money, produce the best shower.
If you are throwing the shower alone, consider any resources that may be available to you (your parents' home, a bride's relative's home, your own apartment, and so on) and set a firm budget.

One maid of honor we know found herself hosting an enormous shower just because the bride's mother had handed her an extensive guest list. Not only did she find herself stuck with the bill, but she was unable to pay her bills that month and her phone was shut off. She was so outraged that she refused to speak to the bride after the wedding; they are no longer friends.

The only person this attendant really had to blame was herself. Don't think that because you're a bridesmaid, you have to throw some elaborate affair because the mother of the bride wants you to (unless of course she's paying for it)—and don't be strong-armed into it. While you should plan an event which will reflect your fabulous taste and your feelings for the bride, a gracious bride will be pleased with any effort you make, no matter how inexpensive. If she's not, she's not much of a friend.

What can you do when confronted by an overbearing mother of the bride? Take a stand. We don't suggest throwing a temper tantrum, but you should explain, in no uncertain terms, that you have a fixed budget of X dollars and that you and the other attendants have already decided upon the kind of shower you will be throwing, as well as the guest limit. Don't Apologize. Outline your limits and make it clear that while it would certainly be lovely to throw a shower at the most expensive restaurant in town, unfortunately it's not within your budget. Don't be afraid to remind her tactfully that a bridal shower is a present for your friend and although it is traditional, technically it is not obligatory (believe it or not). The shower is your gift to the bride. The bride's mother wouldn't insist on helping you pick out your wedding gift for the couple, would she? A shower is a ritual expression of your concern that the bride have what she needs for her new home, and it is inexcusable for the mother of the bride to impose her standards on how you express that concern. Set your limits in the beginning, be realistic, and stick to them.

Traditions: Save the ribbons from the shower gifts and use them to make a mock bouquet for the bride-to-be to carry during the rehearsal. (See "The Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner.") After the rehearsal, the bride tosses this faux bouquet and whoever catches it will be the next to marry. (The origin of this is unclear, but it is believed that these ribbons represent the bride's fertility. We have no idea why, but who wants to argue with tradition?) Some bridesmaids collect the ribbons and use them to stuff a "good luck" pillow for the bride.

Divide up the responsibilities and expenses. The key word for a successful shower is equity. Don't assume that the matron of honor is going to foot the bill just because she's a Kennedy twice removed. It's not fair for one person to be expected to contribute $500 while someone else only puts in $50, just because she has more money—unless, of course, she offers. If someone is severely strapped for cash, she can contribute additional services, such as addressing invitations or baking the shower cake. Everyone needs to be very clear up front about what she can contribute so that no one feels that she was taken advantage of later on. If one of the bridesmaids is a phenomenal baker and another has a large space in which to throw the party, take that into account. Add up the contributions, including your budget, and you'll have your guidelines for the shower. Use the list of responsibilities to keep track of responsibilities and expenses, and divvy them up accordingly.

Traditions: In some regions of the country, it is customary for one of the bridesmaids to volunteer to make a hat for the bride-to-be out of the discarded gift wrappings. Cardboard from a box top usually makes up the base of the hat; a small sample from each gift is used (either the ribbon or a scrap of wrapping paper). This practice takes a little more dexterity than making a faux ribbon bouquet, but the hat then serves as a sort of "good luck" memento for the bride. Usually the bridesmaids make her wear the "garbage" (as Murphy Brown would say) on her head and then take pictures of her. We have no idea where this tradition began, but we think this may serve as some kind of insurance for the attendants, since the bride almost never gets the negatives.

Responsibilities	Projected Cost	Actual Cost
Nonalcoholic beverages
Liquor
Food
Salads
Sandwiches
Entrees
Bread
Munchies
Crackers and cheese
Vegetables and dip
Dessert
Location
Decorations
Balloons
Theme decorations
Candles
Linens
Tablecloths
Napkins
Cocktail napkins
Rowers
Flatware
Servingware
Glassware/cups
Invitations/ postage
Camera/ film
Party games/theme accessories
Coffee/ coffee urn
Place cards
Favors
Cleanup goods
Plastic wrap
Paper towels
Plastic bags
Shower cake
Setup
Cleanup
Rentals (tables, chairs, and so on)
Entertainment

IMPORTANT NOTE: SAVE RECEIPTS! After the shower you can tally up your expenses and ask individuals for any unexpected, additional expenses. Discuss doing this at the onset of planning so that everyone expects it later on and is prepared. Nothing is more awkward than discussing finances with virtual strangers; the fewer surprises, the better.

Pick a date and time. The key to planning any party, big or small, is to set the time and date. The date is crucial because it gives you a goal to work for and is your first established element of the party. The time will define the style of the shower: 7:30 P.M. for cocktail party or dinner; 3:00 P.M. for a tea party; 12:00 noon for a brunch. Keep in mind that most showers are thrown anywhere from two months to three weeks before the wedding. Whether the party is a surprise or not, make sure you clear the time and date with the bride's mother and fiance. You don't want to go through the trouble of planning the shower only to find out that the bride will be out of town on business that weekend.

Compose the guest list. A bridal shower is a more intimate affair than a wedding; customarily, only close friends and relatives of the bride and groom should be invited. Ask the bride for a list of names and addresses, or, if it is a surprise, get lists from her mother and fiance. Keep in mind that the bride may be thrown more than one shower and try to avoid inviting people who have been invited to another shower for the same bride. If anyone—for instance, a co-worker—has already been invited to another shower, be thoughtful and make it clear to her that only her presence, not another present, is requested.

Book the venue and entertainment. Once you've decided on the time, date, and place, you need to book the space you'll need for the shower. If you are having the shower in a friend's home, obviously, this doesn't apply to you. However, if you are holding the shower in a restaurant or rented space of any kind, you need to reserve the space as early as possible. The same goes for any' entertainment you have planned, be it a piano player or a palm reader. You don't want to send out 40 invitations and then find out that the restaurant where you were planning to hold the shower isn't available.

Superstitions: Folklore says that the number of ribbons the bride-to-be cuts while opening her gifts corresponds to the number of children she'll have.

ТHE TIMETABLE
Once you have the aforementioned basics set, you're ready to begin planning the details of the shower. The following timetable will give you a general format for you to follow from three months before the shower to the moment the doorbell rings, so that you can plan your schedule, use your time efficiently, and suffer from as little stress as possible during the bridal-shower planning process.

FOUR MONTHS BEFORE

Call other bridesmaids if the planning has not yet begun.

THREE MONTHS BEFORE

Purchase the invitations.
Complete the invitations.
Reserve rental equipment (tables, chairs, and so on).

SIX WEEKS BEFORE

Address and mail the invitations.

ONE MONTH BEFORE

Order any catered food you are planning to serve at the shower.

THREE WEEKS BEFORE

Regroup with your co-hostesses and confirm responsibilities.
Discuss whether there will be a gift from the bridesmaids for the bride.
Choose an outfit!

Follow up with any invited guests who have not responded.
Order flowers.

TWO WEEKS BEFORE

Confirm delivery of rental equipment.
Purchase decorations.
Purchase necessary theme decorations.
Purchase your personal gift for bride and a card.
Purchase the bridesmaids' gift for bride (optional).
Pick up your outfit at the cleaners.
Book a manicure appointment for the day before the shower.
Confirm that you have all the equipment you need for the party (see the checklist).

ONE WEEK BEFORE

Check in with your co-hostesses.
Purchase alcohol and other beverages.
Cook anything that can be frozen.
Stock up on ice.
Make sure you have scissors, tape, pencils, and note pads.
Be sure you have any necessary items for the games.
Confirm order and delivery of any catered food.

TWO DAYS BEFORE

Begin to decorate.
Shop for main food items.
Clean the house (if the shower will be in your home).
Have the alcohol delivered.

THE DAY BEFORE

Shop for fruits and vegetables.
Clean fruits and vegetables in the morning.
Iron any linens that may need it.
Plan the music (optional).

THE DAY OF THE EVENT

Have any catered food delivered at least one hour before the party.
Chop vegetables and fruit.
Lay out platters and main dishes.
If the shower is at your home, remove the prescription or recreational drugs from your medicine cabinet.

Celebrity Trivia: Grace Kelly's seven wedding attendants gave her a bridal shower in March 1956, arranging their gifts under a yellow umbrella that matched the gowns they would be wearing at the nuptials a month later in Monaco. Mrs. Alfred Hitchcock attended.

Money-Saving Tips

Have the shower at a home—anyone's home. It's cheaper than a restaurant.
Make the food yourself. Catered food can get expensive. But if you can barely boil an egg, be fair to your guests and volunteer to be responsible for decorations instead. Then delegate the cooking to the other bridesmaids.
Instead of fancy centerpieces, use inexpensive potted plants in terra-cotta pots. We recommend ivy; it's cheap and chic.
Instead of giving fancy chocolate favors with personalized boxes, bake some cookies and brownies ahead of time and freeze them. Package them up in your own little cartons (plenty of gourmet stores sell them and they're not expensive) or pretty tissue paper. Many stores stock do-it-yourself decorating items that make even drab goods look pretty nifty.
Other cheap favors include tiny potted plants or assortments of exotic tea bags wrapped in ribbon.
Serve fresh berries instead of elaborate desserts.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Bridesmaid's Timetable

2009-06-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

In war, there is a direct correlation between having a plan and celebrating victory.

Just as the bride needs to prepare step-by-step for W-Day, so must the bridesmaid and maid of honor. Whether the wedding is a clambake on the beach or a black-tie, sit-down dinner for 350, there is no other celebrated milestone in life that involves so much planning and so many egos. It is an extremely complex and emotionally charged event, with societal laws and cultural mores to observe and expectations to fulfill. Can you understand why the. bride is tearing her hair out? Beware the trickle-down effect: fre-neticism and hypersensitivity can be contagious and may lead to a distortion of reality. After you receive a dozen late-night phone calls from the bride wailing that the florist is not offering her the shades of French tulips he found for her more charismatic older sister, you may find yourself reaching for the phone to gripe to your boyfriend that the bride intentionally chose a tea-length aubergine dress for her bridesmaids so nobody could possibly upstage her. Stop! Don't make the mistake of troubling yourself with imagined motives and don't air to your boyfriend or co-workers the irksome, petty details of the wedding process. Your boyfriend will become allergic to the word wedding and your colleagues will avoid you like the plague. The antidote to panic and petty behavior? A rational approach to the larger picture—the timetable.

The surest way to keep the bride sane is to offer her assurance that she can rely on your support. You can't accomplish this by picking up your dress at the tailor's an hour before the photo session. The key to being a successful bridesmaid is planning, planning, planning. Don't assume your shoe-repair shop will correctly dye your white silk pumps the identical rose-petal pink of your bridesmaid dress on the first try, or that your hay fever will take a vacation the day of the wedding. With a little advance preparation, you can glide right through the bride's engagement period with minimal stress, hopefully avoiding those pitfalls that can turn an otherwise joyous event into an excruciating memory. Just because it's not your wedding doesn't mean you don't have to pull your weight. As a bridal attendant, you have accepted a major role in the most important event in someone else's life, and there are about a hundred things you will need to do in order to prepare for the Big Day. The following timetable will help you:

ONE YEAR TO NINE MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING DAY:

Purchase engagement gift (optional).
Attend engagement party.

SIX MONTHS AHEAD

Provide your dress measurements to the bride, maid of honor, or designated bridal salon for dress ordering. If you're an OOTA—Out-of-Town Attendant—this time frame will allow for delivery of the dress to your home, leaving plenty of time for alterations and to correct any major mix-ups (such as, you get shipped Cousin Martha's gown and she gets yours—she's a size 16, you're a 6).
If you're fortunate and the bride asks you to choose your own dress for the wedding, start searching for your gown. Begin this search as early as possible. Believe it or not, stores don't carry summer gowns in the summertime. They carry them in the late winter and spring. Don't wait till the last minute to pick out a dress; the selection will be paltry.
Start planning the bridal shower (see "The Bridal Shower").

THREE MONTHS AHEAD

Pick up and pay for your bridesmaid gown.
Take the gown to the tailor for any alterations.
Purchase your shoes. This allows for plenty of time to have them dyed if they must match your dress.
Schedule a hairdresser appointment for the wedding day if you're going to have your hair professionally styled (optional).
Schedule a manicure appointment (if you don't plan to do your own nails).
Make arrangements for accommodations if you're an OOTA. Hotels fill up quickly, and chances are that even if the bride and groom have reserved a block of rooms at a group rate, there is a deadline for reservations.
Make plans for the bachelorette party for no less than one week prior to the wedding. (See "The Bachelorette Party.") You'll feel queasy enough when nosy guests engage you in conversation about the latest developments in your life without having to tend to the side effects of a hangover as well.
Maid of honor: Pick out a gift for the bride from the bridesmaids to present to the bride either at the bridesmaid luncheon or the rehearsal dinner. (Optional—see "The Maid of Honor.")

ONE MONTH AHEAD

Pick up the altered dress. Try it on before you leave the shop!
Make sure you have appropriate undergarments.
Plan your outfit for the rehearsal dinner.
Pick up your shoes at the shoe shop where you had them dyed.
Pick up any required headgear. If none is required, you may still want to pick up something for your hair, either for the ceremony or for later in the reception. Very few hairdos last a whole evening. You may want to buy a hair band or a barrette that goes with your dress so that you can pull your hair back at the reception.
Purchase a wedding gift. Technically, you have up to one year after the wedding to give a gift. Decide if you want to bring a gift to the wedding or if you prefer to send one at a later date. If you've already laid out a great deal of money for this event, you may want to save a little each month and give the.couple a gift sometime after the wedding.
Get your hair cut. Don't get your hair cut on the day of the wedding, or even the day before. A bad haircut can really dampen your spirits. Get your hair cut no less than a month before the wedding and DON'T try anything drastic!

TWO WEEKS AHEAD

Scuff up your shoes. Take them outside (on a nice day, please) and walk around on the sidewalk or an asphalt road. Do a little soft-shoe number for your neighbors if you like, but scuff up the soles so that when you wear them at the reception, you won't slide on the dance floor and into the punch bowl.
Attend the bridal luncheon (if the bride is throwing one).
If you're going to have a facial, do it NOW! We know plenty of overzealous bridesmaids who, in pursuit of perfection for W-Day, have gotten facials a day or two before the wedding day. Bad idea. Yes, your skin will glow, but you'll also have nasty blotches and red marks where the facialist picked, and picked, and picked. Allow time for your face to heal fully.

ONE WEEK AHEAD

Assemble the contents of your Wedding Survival Kit. (See "The Tour of Duty Begins.")
Confirm directions to the ceremony and the reception site.
Confirm transportation plans to the ceremony and the reception site.
Confirm transportation home from the reception.
Make sure you have all additional items you will need for the wedding (pantyhose, hair accessories, gloves and so on). (See "Wedding-Day Checklist," )

THE DAY BEFORE

Get a manicure, or do it yourself.
Press your dress if it needs it, and hang it up where it won't get wrinkled.
Go to bed early!

THE DAY OF THE EVENT (W-DAY)

See "At the Wedding."

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Maid of Honor, Responsibilities

2009-06-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

The finest combat leader forges bonds of friendship with the enlisted soldiers but maintains the social barrier that enables her to instruct, to criticize, or to give the orders that may send them into mortal danger.

The greatest honor a bride can bestow upon a woman is the role of maid of honor at her wedding. By conferring this sacred title upon you, she has acknowledged that you are the friend she cannot do without in this world. She likes you a little bit more than any other bridesmaid, she's known you a little longer, she trust you a little more, she believes you to be the most able bridesmaid, she loves you like a sister ... or you actually are her sister.

HOW MAID OF HONOR DIFFERS FROM THE OTHER ATTENDANTS
The maid of honor, otherwise known as the honor attendant, is the premier bridesmaid, La Grande Fromage d''attendants (translation: The Big Cheese of the attendants). She is second in command only to the bride's mother, and required for even the most modest wedding ceremony, if only to serve as a legal witness. Usually a close girlfriend or relative, she is the bride's confidante and consultant, the assistant wedding coordinator, and the appointed leader of the wedding attendants. In short, the maid of honor is the combat leader who gets to boss around all of the other guerrillas.

There are actually two kinds of honor attendants: the maid of honor and the matron of honor. While essentially the same, the first title refers to a woman who is single and historically "untried," while matron of honor refers to someone who is married and (hopefully) has sex on a regular basis. The job description is the same, but tradition dictates this distinction (1) so the best man will know if he can cop a feel during the first dance, and (2) so the women can point and murmur, "What a shame ... always a bridesmaid, never a bride." Some brides who are sticklers for protocol might ask, "Does this mean my maid of honor has to be a virgin?" Get real. If that were a criterion for being a maid of honor, the term as we know it would cease to exist. Luckily, modern society allows us this slight fudging of terminology so the maid of honor may walk down the aisle confident that she won't be stripped of her title because she is living in sin with one of the ushers.

If you are the maid or matron of honor, the bride will lean most heavily on you throughout her engagement and during the actual wedding reception. You'll be her emotional ballast. You should be prepared to lend a helping hand. The bride's undecided between the lavender taffeta gown with the matching pillbox hat and the ochre tulle with matching bonnet? You're there. To save money, the bride wants to tie ribbons around the napkins at each place setting herself, rather than ask the caterer to do it (there are 400 guests)? You're there. The bride's ex is the Unabomber and she's just received his wedding gift in the mail... okay, you shouldn't be there, but you get the point.

Sometimes a bride chooses to have both a maid and a matron of honor if she is very close to two women—one single, one married—and she doesn't want to favor one over the other. What if both women are single or both are married? The question has been asked if it is inappropriate to have two maids or matrons of honor. While formal etiquette dictates that this is a no-no, we say, "Why not!" Planning a wedding is stressful enough for the bride without her having to choose between two sisters or two friends to fulfill this position of status in her wedding party. No one has ever felt slighted for having to share the title of maid or matron of honor. The importance of the title is not halved simply because the bride cared enough about both women that she wanted each to play a special part in her wedding. If, however, the bride has three or more sisters or friends of equal closeness in her life, please suggest to her that she have you all act as bridesmaids and ask a special relative to stand in as the honor attendant. It's just not chic to have a whole group of women crowding one poor groom. Besides, they'll appear less like honor attendants and more like a posse insuring that the groom doesn't try to skip out.

Celebrity Trivia: Hollywood columnist Louella Parsons served as Rita Hayworth's witness at her civil ceremony in 1949 to Ali Khan at the city hall of Vallauris, France.

RESPONSIBILITIES AND DUTIES OF THE MAID OF HONOR
While it is a bridesmaid's responsibility to take an active role in all pre-wedding and wedding-day festivities, it is the maid of honor who is in charge of actually making and executing many of those plans. The standard duties of the maid of honor are as follows: (Note: the bridesmaid's duties in previous posts not mentioned here also apply to the maid of honor.):

Escort the bride on any and all reasonable wedding-related errands. This does not mean that you must fly to Chicago, if you live in Iowa, to help her find her wedding gown. This does mean, however, that if you live in the same or a neighboring town, you should set aside some mutually convenient time to accompany her on basic errands (gown shopping, bridesmaid gown shopping, choosing invitations, and so on).
Initiate the plans for the bridal shower and be the party coordinator. See "The Bridal Shower."
Help address wedding invitations. Yes, it sucks, but it's part of your job if requested. Keep in mind that this duty does not extend to writing thank-you notes. We know of at least one bride who had the audacity to ask her maid of honor to begin composing her thank-you notes while she was on her honeymoon. The maid of honor is not a secretary. Thank-you notes are a personal expression of gratitude from the recipient to trie giver. The bride and groom should sit down and undertake this chore together. Under no circumstances is it ever appropriate for a bride to delegate this responsibility to a third party. If the bride asks you to do this, pull out this blog, point to this paragraph.
Choose the gift that the bridesmaids give the bride and collect the money for it. This additional gift is optional. Many people aren't even aware that an additional gift is sometimes given by the bridesmaids. Use your judgment.
Coordinate the fittings of the bridesmaids' gowns.
Hold the bride's bouquet during the ceremony, in addition to her own.
Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Yes, with two . bouquets in hand already, it's a lot to carry; try putting it on your pointer finger before the service begins.
Serve as a witness, both ceremonial and legal. The maid of honor is a crucial witness in the wedding ceremony, even if the bride is married by an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas. Although the maid of honor traditionally signs the marriage certificate, the bride may choose another person to serve as her legal witness on other documents (such as the Ketubah in the Jewish religion) in order to allow another friend or family member, to play an honored role in the wedding.
Straighten the bride's train and veil after the processional and before the recessional. Many past maids of honor have been overzealous in this task and, when lifting the back of the train to puff it out and straighten it have exposed the bride's tushy to the guests. This is a wedding, not a livestock auction, and the goods should not be exposed for public viewing.
Lift the veil for the husband's kiss, if she is also the bride's sister.
Stand in the receiving line. If the wedding is larger than 50 people, there will be a receiving line. (See "At the Wedding.") Shake hands, smile, be friendly. Exchange pleasantries.
Propose a toast during the reception. Optional. If you start to sweat and break out in hives at the thought of speaking in public, you may want to pass. However, giving a toast is a wonderful opportunity to express your good wishes to the bride and groom. It's a smart idea to remain relatively sober until after your speech; while a good belt may calm the nerves, no one wants to listen to you go on for 20 minutes about how much you love everyone.
Assist the bride's mother in helping the bride change from her wedding gown into her going-away clothes. This will also include helping the mother of the bride put the bride's dress away—no small task.

While the preceding responsibilities represent the most traditional duties, there are other functions the maid of honor can perform that are equally indispensable to the bride. As the maid of honor, you can wear many other hats besides a bonnet, including those of:

Bustler. You've seen pictures of those wedding gowns that have trains so long you could park the limo on them, right? How do you think a bride dances at the reception with a parking lot attached to her posterior? She bustles the train. There are several kinds of bustles and it's your job to be able to help her bustle it so that the hem lies evenly all the way around. Make sure you take at least one trip to the bridal salon with the bride so that the saleswoman or tailor can show you how it's done.
Platoon leader. The squad is under your command and they'll look to you for information about the whos, whens, and wheres of the wedding. Send a pre-wedding newsletter to each of the bridesmaids.

Use this newsletter to inform the troops where they'll be falling in for the rehearsal dinner, hair and makeup, and pre-wedding pictures. Remind them about scuffing up the bottoms of their' new shoes for added traction, make sure each one knows to pick up extra pantyhose, and confirm how each will be transported from the ceremony to the reception. This newsletter is the perfect opportunity to keep everyone in the wedding party apprised of the schedule for the wedding and to ensure that there are fewer slip-ups.
Chief information officer. It's 6:30 P.M. and the guests have begun to arrive—do you know where the officiant is? Make sure you do. As the assistant wedding coordinator, it is crucial that you carry a copy of the bride's contact list. Fill in the Contact Sheet with the contact names and numbers for all wedding attendants and service providers including the hairdresser, makeup artist, and so on. Also, carry spare change or a calling card for last-minute phone calls. Don't expect anyone to have loose change on her (taffeta dresses rarely come with pockets). The modern alternative to a germ-covered pay phone? Your own cellular phone.
Voodoo practitioner. If the bride is superstitious, she may put you in charge of making sure the groom doesn't see her in her wedding gown before the ceremony begins; it's bad luck. You should know such mysterious things. For instance, if the groom steps on the bride's gown or veil at the altar, he will dominate the household. If the bride steps on his coat, she'll control their home. The maid of honor or the mother of the bride may drape the bride's veil over the groom's feet, while the best man will take it off and throw it back, ensuring that the man will rule. This power struggle can go on interminably.
Checklist holder. The bride should have a checklist of all the things she'll need on her wedding day: dress, shoes, something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. A day before the wedding, run through her checklist with her to make sure she has everything she'll need (and will still have a day to pick up anything she doesn't); then run through it again on the day of the wedding before she leaves her house.
Bad guy. While the bride is the commander-in-chief, you're her general on the front line and can make decisions about how to handle minor skirmishes in her stead. Suppose the videographer is handing out his business cards to everyone at the reception, and the band is taking their break just as the happy couple is about to cut their wedding cake. Reprimand the videographer; goose the band. Service people must behave properly and adhere to schedules; they are professionals hired to do a job. You have the authority to keep them in line. The bride shouldn't be pulled out of her first dance or a romantic reverie to play the heavy. As the maid of honor, it's your job to handle on-site crises.

As you can see, your primary goal as the maid of honor is to relieve the bride of having to worry over too many details on her wedding day. This responsibility extends to solving problems that arise, both minor and major. Be prepared for the mundane, such as helping the bride maneuver her hoop skirt into the bathroom stall, as well as for the potentially deadly, such as intercepting the groom's rabbit-boiling ex when she waltzes into the reception uninvited. Many things can go wrong at a wedding and often do. You must be on the alert so the bride can enjoy her day. This is no job for the faint of heart. The key to being a successful maid of honor is a lot of preparation and a very good sense of humor.

Traditions: In the Christian faith, it is traditional for the maid of honor and best man to be appointed the godparents of the bride and groom's first child.

PRE-WEDDING NEWSLETTER

For the wedding of:___________________
Wedding date: ___________________

ATTENTION BRIDESMAIDS!
This pre-wedding newsletter contains specific information for the bridesmaids about the details of the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding. If you have any questions, please call
(your name)
at telephone #_____

The Rehearsal and the Rehearsal Dinner
The rehearsal will be held at_ o'clock at:
(location/address) The rehearsal dinner will be held at _ o'clock at:
(location/ address)

The Wedding Day
Primping Schedule:
The following is a list of the bridesmaids who have arranged for hair and makeup sessions and their assigned primping times. We will be primping at:
(location/ address)

Makeup Schedule Hair Styling Schedule
(time/name) (time/name)
_:00/______:00/_____
_:30/______:30/_____
_:00/______:00/_____
_:30/______:30/_____
_:00/______:00/_____

At ___ o'clock, we will be dressing for the wedding at:
(location/ address)

Wedding Schedule:
Start time ______
Meeting place/address ________
Photographs
Ceremony
Reception
Transportation:
Bridesmaid's name Means of transportation to ceremony
Additional information:
__________________________________________________________

CONTACT SHEET
Name Phone Number
Bride __________
Groom __________
Mother of the bride __________
Father of the bride __________
Mother of the groom __________
Father of the groom __________
Bridesmaid __________
Bridesmaid __________
Bridesmaid __________
Bridesmaid __________
Bridesmaid __________
Bridesmaid __________
Best man __________
Usher __________
Usher __________
Usher __________
Usher __________
Usher __________
Usher __________
Officiant __________
Readers __________
Ring bearer __________
Ceremony music contact __________
Flower girl __________
Caterer/venue __________
Band contact __________
Florist __________
Videographer __________
Photographer __________
Makeup person __________
Hairdresser __________

Bridesmaid's Guide: Bridesmaid's Budget

2009-06-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Weddings are enormously expensive, and playing an integral role in the hoopla will not come cheap. In addition to paying for your dress, your shoes, and any required headpiece, you can expect to incur significant "hidden" expenses, such as transportation to and from the wedding or your share of the bridal-shower budget. The average wedding can cost a bridesmaid upwards of $400 before the bride and groom even say "I do." While certain expenditures can't be avoided, with a little careful planning and some strict budgeting you'll still have enough money left over to pay the rent.

The following is a worksheet with a list of fixed expenses you can expect as a bridesmaid. Enter the cost of each additional expense (the little extras that are, by and large, optional) and create a budget so you know where all your hard-earned money is going.

DEFINITE EXPENSES	COST	ADDITIONAL EXPENSES	COST
I. Outfit
A. Dress -		E. Alterations
B. Underwear:		F. Accessories:
Underpants		Necklace
Bra/Bustier		Earrings
Pantyhose/		Bracelets
Stockings		Gloves
Garter		G. Barrette, headband,
Slip		scrunchi®
C. Shoes
Color Dye
D. Headpiece:
Hat/Horns/etc----
II. Bridal Shower
Fill amount from
worksheet
III. Bachelorette Party
IV. Grooming
A. Hair		B. Face:
Cut		Facial
Styling		Professional
		Make-up
		Waxing (Lip,
		Brow, etc.)
		C. Body:
		Manicure
		Pedicure
		Waxing
		.(Underarms,
		Legs, etc.)
V. Travel
A. To Wedding:
Air fare, Bus fare,
Train fare,
Rental Car, Bus,
Taxicab...
B. Hotel/Motel/Inn
C. To Rehearsal
Dinner:
Taxi, Rental Car, etc.
D. To Ceremony:
Taxi, Rental Car, etc.
E. To Reception:
Taxi, Rental Car, etc.
F. Tips for Porters/
Maids/etc.

VI. Gifts
A. Bridal Shower		C. Engagement
B. Wedding		D. Baby (for those shot-gun weddings)
VII. Therapy A. Therapeutic Swedish Massage		C. Ten Years of Freudian Psychoanalysis
B. Six visits with an HMO psychologist		D. Excessive Shoe Shopping
TOTALS: Definite Expenses ______		TOTALS: Additional Expenses ______

Money-Saving Tips

Most bridal salons will give a discount on the bridesmaid dresses if the bride purchases her wedding gown at their store. Ask the bride to inquire about this when she shops for her gown.
If the bride asks you to pick out your own dress, consider borrowing one. A friend may have just the right style dress hanging in her closet from a previous wedding.
Try sample sales; call the showrooms of designers located in your city. Ask to be put on their mailing list so you can be notified when they have a sample sale.
If you need to take a hotel room, see if any of the other bridesmaids or guests can share the room with you.
Ask if the bridal shop where the bridesmaid dresses are ordered offers an "early bird special." Some shops will give you a discount on your dress if you purchase it by a certain date.
White silk and satin shoes get put on clearance racks in January and February.
Some silk shoes can be re-dyed if you need them to be a shade darker than they already are. Try to recycle the shoes you wore for a previous wedding.
Do your own hair and makeup for the wedding.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Bridesmaid's Wedding Survival Kit

2009-06-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

While the items in the preceding list are typical responsibilities of a bridesmaid, every bridesmaid should know that sometimes the call to arms means more than just following standard regulations.

The purpose of being an attendant is to attend to the bride; she is your cause. The finest guerrillas are equipped for any complications or nuisances that can arise at or before the wedding. You are the bride's emergency hotline. Be ready for any emergency— medical or otherwise. Prepack a small bag or box with the following items, which may save you or the bride at a critical moment. This will be your Wedding Survival Kit. The contents should include the following:

Aspirin and/or ibuprofen. Boring toasts, lots of drinking, loud music . .. throb, throb, throb ... get the picture?
Band-Aids. Uncomfortable shoes, dancing, corns. . .. Bring several different sizes and shapes for cuts and blisters.
Nasal spray. Especially useful at outdoor weddings held at the height of hay-fever season. A runny nose is not attractive on any member of the wedding party.
Tissues. If you do get that runny nose, the back of your hand just won't do, especially when you're expected to shake hands in the receiving line. Also, use a tissue to blot your lipstick and it won't rub off on your teeth.
White medical tape. It's shiny, made of cloth, and almost actually looks like some kind of wedding trimming. Be creative; it's good for lots of things .from taping bridal boo-boos to holding down headpiece fabric.
Needle, thread, and scissors. Buttons pop off, hems rip, and tags may need to be removed. If you have the time and the dexterity, these are important items.
Safety pins. Because chances are you won't have the time. Bring them in all sizes! Be prepared for flimsy spaghetti straps, ripped lace, and stretched seams. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses get stomped on, smushed, yanked, and caught on flimsy trellises with cascading greenery. Likewise, one good pirouette on the dance floor and the slit of your dress is exposing your hootie to the world. Safety pins are essential to wedding survival.
Nail file. Ragged nails snag tulle and silk. Snags are bad.
Clear nail polish. Nails chip and pantyhose run. This is a fact of life. Clear nail polish is a sure fix for both situations.
Smelling salts. When emotions run high, such as at a wedding, people keel over.
Eye drops. Tears of joy, a late night out with the girls for the bachelorette party, you're stoned ... whatever your reason, red veiny eyes ruin photos and don't look nice up close. Eye drops also take the red out of a skin blemish.
Hair spray. Buy a small travel-size bottle of hair spray. It's discreet and very effective for putting windblown hair back in its place. Down hair, down! (Or, in some cities, up hair, up!)
Breath spray/breath mints. If you don't know why we're suggesting these, you're the reason we are.
Bobby pins (a.k.a. hair pins). Bring as many as you can, both big and small. No matter how many pins Jacques-Paul stuck into your elaborate 'do, rest assured that the first time your partner dips you, your hair will spring free.
Tampons and panty liners. We don't care if you just finished your period. Mother Nature loves to play jokes, especially if you're planning on wearing anything white or light-colored.
Mirror. All of that smooching and being smooched is enough to make any flower wilt. Perfect for quick touch-ups for the bride (and yourself!).
Condoms. Because you just never know, and in Girl Scouts you learned to be prepared.
Keep your Wedding Survival Kit under the front pew at the ceremony, in the bride's room at the reception hall, or under your table. Wherever you are, the kit should be within arm's reach. The kit is your best friend (besides the bride).

Go Team!
As a bridesmaid, be mindful of flagging spirits among the corps. Unreturned phone calls are a tip-off; if you're trying to help the maid of honor plan the bridal shower and all you're getting is a lot of answering machines, quiet outrage may have infected the troops. How much time and money have they been asked to contribute already? Morale boosting can take the form of a group bull session in which each woman can vent her frustrations with the prenuptial process: the tedium of fittings at the bridal salon, the drudgery of finding a brassiere that does its job under an off-the-shoulder dress, the numbing practice of sympathetically listening to the bride's latest litany of complaints. Practical jokes at the bridal shower will relieve tension and promote camaraderie, but you may need a mood elevator sooner. A night of watching movies such as Father of the Bride (the original with Spencer Tracy or the remake with Steve Martin) and Muriel's Wedding can help keep the hysteria of the wedding ritual in perspective. The lesser-known Catered Affair (1956) is fun for some campy laughs—an ambitious Bette Davis plans an extravagant wedding for daughter Debbie Reynolds that her husband, Ernest Borgnine, can't afford. Observe how Davis is no different from any bride's mother.

Sometimes a force much darker than weariness is at work and is making everyone uncomfortable. Nan, who was the maid of honor for a childhood friend, recalls a creepy sister of the bride who liked to joke about the groom's infidelities when the bride was not present. Nan had ethical debates with the other bridesmaids, lay awake in bed a couple of nights, and finally took her friend Annette aside to tell her what her sister had been saying. Annette was unfazed. Her younger sister had always been competitive with Annette, and her jealousy at wedding time had come out full force. Annette was only including her sister in the wedding party in deference to her mother's wishes. Thereafter, Nan and the other bridesmaids gave Annette's sister a wide berth and cheerfully carried on with the wedding preparations. If a malaise is descending upon your fellow guerrillas because of one problem bridesmaid, it's often better to group and discuss than to suppress and splinter. It's beneficial to identify shared values and objectives. This kind of episode can even reinforce your outfit's collective commitment to the cause—the bride's happiness and a victorious W-Day.

Performing as a bridesmaid is a daunting, democratizing task not to be taken lightly. If you're the kind of person who has never been very good at taking a backseat to anyone, acceptance of this post may involve a little bit of an attitude check. However, the payoff can be enormously rewarding. You are an honored guest with a crucial role in one of the most important days in a close friend's or sister's life, and as you'll see, the best service you can provide is to be a really good friend.

Bridesmaid's Guide: Responsibilities and Duties Of Bridesmaid

2009-06-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Before a tour of duty, an army division undergoes a combat training course. During this grueling period, soldiers are required to run obstacle courses, perform calisthenics, view propaganda films, and stomach "Welcome" speeches by the commanding general. A frequent complaint of soldiers during this time of waiting is that they are seldom told exactly what they'll have to do in combat and are forced to speculate until the need arises for their services. The object is to toughen the recruits both physically and mentally, to prepare them for decision making in hardship and battle, and to weed out the loonies who could prove to be a liability to the others.

You've graciously accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid, an active and willing participant in the wedding ritual. You're overcome with sentiment, you're filled with joy, you're positively BRIMMING with anticipation ... you're CLUELESS as to what the hell you're actually supposed to do.

Pledging to be a bridesmaid is not the equivalent of signing up for an afternoon of wearing white gloves and sipping mint juleps at a sorority shindig. It is a formidable responsibility and an implicit social contract that must be upheld. There's a lot of grunt work that goes along with the title; in order to maintain a sense of dignity, you'll need to know, long before the rehearsal dinner, what is expected of you.

Superstitions: It is considered good luck for the bride if her bridesmaids are shorter than she is.

WHAT NOW?
Once you've joined the ranks of bridal attendants, it's important you accept that for the duration of the engagement your life will take a back seat to The Wedding. Oh sure, the bride will feel sorry for you when you cry to her about your boyfriend of three years getting transferred across the country, but it had better not interfere with your showing up for your fitting. Like any service for which you enlist, once you accept the mantle of the bridesmaid, you are bound to all duties and functions of the position for the time period set by those in positions of authority—-in this case, the bride. It could be three months, it could be two years. For however long the engagement lasts, you are the bride's attendant until the moment you close the door on the limo and wave bon voyage to the newlyweds.
Now that you've signed on the proverbial dotted line, you need to prepare yourself for the skirmishes that may lie ahead. Information is your best weapon in the trenches, and it's important that you realize it's not enough just to purchase the designated gear and show up. A loved one has invited you to take an active role in her wedding—W-Day, the most important 24 hours in her life. Boy, do you have your work cut out for you.

RESPONSIBILITIES AND DUTIES OF THE BRIDESMAID
The primary function of a bridesmaid is to' help smooth the passage from singlehood to marriage for the bride. This purpose, throughout the ages, has remained unchanged. However, with the elaboration and formalization of weddings over the centuries, the responsibilities have become somewhat more complicated. In every wedding there are the customary duties of the attendants and then there are the bride's interpretations and preferences, which can be anything but customary. A bride should not assume that her bridesmaids know what is expected of them, and her bridesmaids should not hesitate to ask. However, there are the right questions to ask, such as "What color will the bridesmaid dresses be?" and "Will accommodations be provided?" and then there are the questions to which the savvy attendant should already know the answers. If you're asking "Do I pay for my dress?" "Who throws the bridal shower?" and "Can I drink while standing in the receiving line?" and these questions don't seem inappropriate to you, then you need this blog.

Customarily, the Bridesmaid:

Offers to run errands and generally assist the bride in any reasonable way with wedding plans.
Helps the maid or matron of honor plan the bridal shower and provides equitable financial contribution. See "The Bridal Shower."
Records all gifts and their respective givers at the bridal shower. We all know that in the heat of the moment, gifts get ripped open and cards get separated. Keeping a record of who gave what will ensure that the bride can properly thank all of her guests after she gets the loot home.
Helps address wedding invitations. You may not be asked to do this, since many people use a calligrapher to address their invitations. However, it is part of your job. The outside envelope is hand-addressed in black ink and hand-stamped,. Choose flower or bird stamps and refrain from affixing images of dead movie stars. or pop musicians to the tasteful, heavy-stock envelope. The sender's return address is written in the upper left-hand corner of the front of the envelope. Keep in mind that in today's high-tech age, there are calligraphy programs available for your computer that are ideal for this purpose. If you get called upon to help with this tedious duty and your handwriting isn't very good, you may want to suggest to the bride that she consider this alternative. If you and the bride don't have access to a computer, contact a local computer center.
Attends all pre-wedding parties and related events.
Functions as a co-hostess at the wedding and pre-wedding festivities. This does not mean that you have to go around to every guest at the wedding, introducing yourself and offering to freshen drinks. What this does mean is that if anyone is expected to participate actively in the wedding, it's a member of the bridal party. You are on the front line at the wedding and at all pre-wedding events. Think of yourself as part of the "in crowd," one of the "popular" people—at least with regard to the wedding functions. You have a responsibility to be friendly to the other guests and dance. Basically, if the guests see you having fun, they'll want to play too.
Pays for her own bridesmaid dress and bridesmaid accessories.
Pays for her own hair styling and makeup. Sure, you want to look beautiful for your friend or sister's big day. If you don't just wake up that way, you may need professional help. If you live in the town where the wedding is taking place, you probably already have someone you trust to call on. If you live out of town, talk to the bride and get some recommendations. Be clear on one thing, though—-unless the bride specifically offers to pay your primping costs, this expense will come out of your own pocket.
Arranges for her own transportation to and from the ceremony and the reception. Unless the bride has made specific arrangements for the attendants ahead of time, you are responsible for getting yourself to and from the ceremony and the reception. It's often helpful to carpool with the other bridesmaids.
Pays for her own accommodations. If you are traveling from afar, it is the bride's responsibility to make arrangements for your accommodations during the wedding. Typically, your options will include staying with a nearby relative or lodging at a local hotel where the bride has reserved a block of rooms for wedding guests. If you opt to stay with the relative, your stay is complimentary, except for the obligatory chit-chat. If a quiet hotel room is more to your liking, expect to pay the bill yourself. Ask if the hotel is offering a discount; many provide special rates for wedding guests. Precedes the bride in the processional. See "At the Wedding."
Helps the maid of honor with the bride's bustle. If the maid of honor is all thumbs, it is likely that this duty will fall on your shoulders. Find out ahead of time if the maid of honor needs your assistance so that you can attend one of the bride's dress fittings and have a saleswoman at the salon show you how to do it.
Greets guests in the receiving line. If there are more than 50 guests at the wedding, the bridal party will be expected to form a receiving line to meet and greet them. The maid of honor stands after the groom, and the bridesmaids beside her. After the first half hour, bridesmaids may disperse while the bride and groom and their mothers continue to stand in the line. (See "At the Wedding.")
Sits with ushers at the head table. If there is a head table, tradition states that the bridesmaids and ushers should sit alternately. If attendants have spouses or live-ins, they can sometimes sit at the head table also. The only real rule is that you should sit boy, girl, boy, girl. Also, if the attendants aren't seated with the bride and groom, make sure that you are seated close enough to the bride so you can reach her conveniently should she need you (such as if her cake falls into her decolletage and she doesn't notice it), and that you are available to participate in the toasts.
Dances with her designated usher during the newlyweds' first dance. So what if the usher who escorted you down the aisle is 5'4" and you're six feet tall? When the music begins and the bandleader calls you to the floor, you are there with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.
Participates in the bouquet toss. This is, of course, the most demeaning of all the wedding rituals. It implies that single women will do just about anything to catch a man—and, well, that's just not a very modern perspective. However, should the bride want to toss her bouquet in traditional fashion to a grouping of maidens, so be it. It's your job to be there, with your hands in the air.

Bridesmaid's Guide: The Origins

2009-06-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

"I'm engaged!"

These are two of the most powerful and emotionally charged words you'll ever hear come out of a friend's mouth. For you, these words are fraught with excitement, anticipation ...

"I want you to be a bridesmaid!"
... and dread.

We all know what it means to be someone's bridesmaid. Many of us have done it before, others have just heard the stories. Tales of matching dresses in horrific colors with uncomfortable shoes dyed to match. Bad hairdos and expensive bridal showers. Humiliating moments of being paraded down a long aisle like some child's poorly dressed dolls. Other people's relatives staring, pointing, sometimes groping. A florid-faced uncle urging you to jump higher to catch the bouquet so you don't end up a spinster. Oh, what joy! So, you reply with:
"What an honor! I'd love to be your bridesmaid!"

Contrary to most people's beliefs, the bridesmaid's place in the wedding ceremony is much more important than just marching down the aisle and serving as decorative filler in photos. Bridesmaids serve an extremely useful and critical function in the wedding ceremony and the engagement period leading up to it.

As far back as the ancient Greeks, the bridesmaids' place in the wedding ceremony was celebrated for the joy and happiness they contributed to the event. In the days of antiquity, most women were married by the time they turned sixteen; the first bridesmaids were a group of older married women (old biddies of at least 24 or 25) who escorted the young, inexperienced bride to the ceremony as well as throughout the marriage process. Since just about everything served some symbolic purpose to the Greeks, it was believed that if fertile, happily married women escorted the young bride, their good fortune would extend to her. This entourage was also believed to stave off evil spirits until the marriage was completed.

In Anglo-Saxon times, it was considered "unmaidenly" for a bride to enter into marriage willingly and it was common practice for prospective brides to be "captured" by their future husbands. Hence, it was necessary (if only for maintaining appearances) for a bride to gather her friends to protect her from this possibility. These early bridesmaids helped fend off inappropriate suitors or, if the bride preferred, aided the groom's efforts in whatever way possible, while still maintaining the facade of unwillingness. Conversely, the best man was a friend of the groom who helped him capture the object of his affections. As it was possible in those days of reaping and sowing that the young woman might have a brother the size of a linebacker, it was necessary for a marriage-minded man to choose the "best man" for the job. So the earliest "best men" were often quite strapping (not exactly bad news for the bridesmaids).

Celebrity Trivia: When Elizabeth Taylor walked down the aisle a seventh time in 1991 to wed contractor Larry Fortensky, she called upon New Age guru Marianne Williamson to serve as a bridesmaid.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE BRIDESMAID IN THE MODERN CEREMONY

Nowadays, with so many men opting for an a la carte lifestyle rather than the commitment of a prix fixe meal, fewer brides need assistance fleeing from a determined suitor. Because the function of the bridesmaid has changed so dramatically over the centuries, it is necessary to redefine her duties as they pertain to the realities of today's society. If you're lucky, you'll sulk have to fend off hulking young men in the name of virtue at the reception, but your new official task is to perform a range of services and functions that will assist the bride through the modern marriage process. You are a member of her crisis management team, her advisory council, and her social committee. She will cry on your shoulder, call upon and disregard your good taste when making decisions about color schemes and flower arrangements, and expect you to dance with her sweaty-palmed second cousin. But you love her and you have to say yes.

As a bride prepares to commit herself to sharing the rest of her life with one man, she calls upon her closest loved ones to assist her. Whereas the bride has a choice when asked the question that will lead her to the altar, the friend or relative asked to participate in the ceremony as a maid of honor or bridesmaid cannot say no. (If you fancy yourself a rebel, go directly to "Just Say No.") It is considered an honor to be offered a supporting role in the big event, yet it is the rare bride who realizes how much she is actually asking of her friend or relative.
The bridesmaid is an emotional ballast, a troubleshooter, and a hostess. The wedding celebration is a momentous occasion; participating in the ceremony and related festivities entails a significant investment, both financially and emotionally. Ideally, the resulting memories will justify the necessary expenditure and the often accompanying stress. While spending money on travel, the bridesmaid dress, matching shoes and accessories, and gifts is usually unavoidable, knowing in advance exactly what is expected of you during your term as a bridesmaid will help to reduce this stress. It's also not a bad idea to find out as soon as possible who the other recruits are—before you agree to dress like them, coordinate schedules with them, and march with them.

Superstitions/Traditions: Bridesmaids and ushers dress alike (preferably similar to the bride and groom) because it is supposed to confuse any evil spirits who are intent on harming the bride and groom. The tradition also evolved because wedding processions in Europe used to run from the Bride's home, through the village. Dressing alike insured that if the wedding party ran into a jilted ex, he wouldn't know on whom to put "the whammy."

Wedding Planning Guide: Second Weddings

2009-06-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Q. Should my children be present at my second marriage?
A. Unless they are bitter about your marriage or dislike your fiance(e), they should definitely attend. Nothing could serve better to make them feel a part of the excitement and help them to accept a new family relationship.

Q. lam being married for the second time. Is it acceptable for my friends to give me a bridal shower?
A. Yes, but it should be a small and intimate party and, if possible, the guest list should include people other than those who attended showers for your first marriage.

Q. As a widow engaged to remarry, I'm confused about what I should do with my first engagement and wedding rings. How long may I continue to wear them before my second wedding?
A. The point at which you become engaged is the time to stop wearing the rings from your first marriage. Your first engagement ring may be kept for your children, if you wish, or the stone may be reset in another piece of jewelry. If you wish to save your
first wedding ring for' sentimental reasons, or to give later to one of your children, you may.

Q. What should a bride who is being married for the second time wear?
A. She should not wear pure white, a veil, orange blossoms or a dress with a train. For a very simple wedding, a short cocktail dress or suit in a pastel color is always in good taste. For a more elaborate wedding, a long dress in a very pale color, off-white or white with color in the trim and in her accessories is lovely and most appropriate.

Q. Is it correct to send engraved invitations to a second marriage?
A. Yes, if the wedding is large enough to merit it. The invitations may be exactly like those for a first marriage, except that the bride's whole name is used.

Q. My fiance was married before in a lavish formal wedding. I've never been married and have always dreamed of a formal wedding. Since this is his second wedding should we have just a simple ceremony, or may we have a formal wedding?
A. You may plan as simple or as lavish a wedding as you wish. The fact that the groom has been married before does not prevent you from having a formal wedding.

Wedding Planning Guide: Gift Giving & Receiving

2009-06-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

Q. I've received an invitation to a wedding but not to the reception. Must I send a gift?
A. No. There is no obligation attached to an invitation to the wedding only, although you may send one if you wish.

Q. Does a wedding announcement obligate me to send a gift?
A. No. As with an invitation to the wedding only, the receipt of an announcement does not demand a gift in return. Of course you may send a gift, but you do not have to.

Q. How much should be spent on a wedding gift?
A. There is no "formula" to determine the amount you should spend on a wedding gift. The size or the elaborateness of the wedding should have nothing to do with the amount you spend or give. Your decision should be based on a combination of two things— your affection for the bride, the groom or their families, and your financial capability. No one should ever feel that he must spend more than he can afford. On the other hand, you should spend what you can afford and not give a "piddling" gift to a bride whose family are old friends.

Q. How do I know when to.give money as a wedding present and when to give a gift?
A. Whether or not to give money as a wedding present is determined by tradition within your family, ethnic custom, the circumstances of the bride and groom and your own feelings. At one time some people viewed money as either crass or indicating one didn't take time to shop for a gift. Often it was neither but the ideal vehicle to allow the couple to get exactly what they wanted or to pool their gifts toward a large purchase such as furniture. Close family members may know of a large purchase the couple hopes to make and provide a token gift with a check toward the larger purchase. One woman I know gave her granddaughter a set of sheets to fit a convertible sofa bed, with a check and a note that said she hoped it was delivered by Thanksgiving because she was looking forward to using it!

If a couple is not going to be setting up their own home for some time, because of continuing education, for instance, they may find money more useful than another set of linens to save for that home. If a gift is truly meant to help a couple "get off to a good start," then student couples may elect to use the money to pay off education loans, or for whatever other use they see fit.

Q. Friends have asked how checks given as wedding presents should be made out. What do we tell them?
A. When given before the wedding they are made out to either the bride, or to both the bride and groom using her maiden name and his full name—"Mary Bigotte and Hans Whitehouse," for example. When given after the wedding, they are made out to the bride and groom—"Mary and Hans Whitehouse,'' assuming the bride is changing her name.

Q. We are planning to give a check as a gift. Do we mail it or take it to the wedding?
A. If it is customary in your area to give money as a gift, the money is usually brought with you to the reception, although checks may also be sent to the couple before the wedding. As the reception draws to a close, a line generally forms near the bridal table.

The guests sometimes receive a small favor or memento of the wedding from the bride and groom as they give them the check.

Q. Where are wedding gifts sent—to the bride's home or to her parents' home?
A. Gifts are usually sent to the bride's home before the day of the wedding, addressed to her in her maiden name. When they are sent after the wedding takes place, they go to the bride and groom at their new address or in care of the bride's family.

Q. My best buddy is getting married. May I send my gift to his home?
A. You seldom send a present to the bridegroom. Even though he is your closest friend and you may never have met his bride, your present is sent to her —unless you send.two presents, one in courtesy to her and one in affection to him. More often, friends of the bridegroom do pick out things suitable for him, such as a decanter or masculine desk accessories, which are sent to her but are obviously intended for his use.

Q. May duplicate wedding presents be exchanged?
A. Yes. Whether or not you inform the donor of your action is entirely up to you.

Q. Should wedding presents be displayed? Where should they be displayed? Should cards showing the names of the donors be displayed with them?
A. Wedding gifts certainly may be displayed, if you wish. Gifts should be displayed at home only, never in a hotel, club or catering facility. Whether or not you display cards with them is a matter of personal preference. Although many people like to know who gave the present, others feel that publicizing this information invites comparisons that may be embarrassing.

Q. How should checks which are displayed, with other wedding presents be shown?
A. They should be arranged overlapping, so that the signature but not the amount shows. Cover them with a piece of glass to keep them in place.

Q. When a wedding gift arrives broken, what should we do?
A. Take it back to the store from which it came without mentioning the fact to the donor. However, if it has arrived directly through the mail and the package is insured, the donor should be notified so that he or she can collect insurance.

Q. Have you any suggestions for keeping track of wedding gifts?
A. Yes. In order to keep your gifts Organized, to know who gave what and where it came from in case of exchanges, and whether or not a thank-you has been sent, a gift list is a necessity. Obtain sheets of numbered stickers (or plain ones on which you can write a number) and affix one sticker in the "gift number" column and one with a corresponding number oh the bottom of the gift. Do it as you open each gift so there will be no possibility of confusion. You can make your own notebook of pages, or you can purchase a book designed for this purpose that comes with sheets of numbered stickers. A sticker goes on only one item of a set—one of a dozen plates, for example.

Q. When should thank-you -notes be sent?
A. The wise bride writes her notes on the day the gift arrives for as long as she can, both as a courtesy to the sender and to keep herself from becoming inundated with notes to write after the honeymoon. In ordinary circumstances, all thank-you notes should be sent within three months of the date of the wedding.

Q. Are thank-you notes signed .by both the bride and the groom?
A. It is not incorrect to sign both of your names. It is preferable for one to sign with a reference in the text to the other, such as "John and I both thank you for ..." to make clear you both appreciate the gift. Another way for the bride or groom to include the other is to close the note "With love from both of us, Betsy Ann."

Q. Does the groom write any of the thank-you notes?
A. Since most wedding gifts are sent to the bride, she usually writes and signs the thank-you note. But there is no reason the groom should not share this task. I'm sure there are many relatives and friends of the groom who would be delighted to receive a thank-you note from him rather than from a bride who is a relative stranger to them.

Q. Are printed thank-you cards an acceptable way of acknowledging wedding presents?
A. No. Every present must be acknowledged by a personal handwritten note. Even if a printed thank-you card incorporating the bridal couple's wedding picture is used, there must always be a personal handwritten message included.

Q. Should wedding presents be opened at the reception?
A. At a small wedding where there are only a few, they may be opened, but if there are many presents, it is better to wait until later so that the bride and groom may mingle with the guests. The couple will also appreciate the gifts more if they open them at their leisure.

Wedding Planning Guide: The Reception

2009-06-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Q. Who should stand next to whom in the receiving line at my reception?
A. The bride's mother stands at the head of the line to greet the guests. The groom's mother stands next. If the two fathers are part of the receiving line, which is optional, the father of the bride is second in the line and the father of the groom stands after his wife. Next is the bride, followed by the groom and then the maid of honor. The bridesmaids would be next in line. Their presence is quite correct but is optional and at the discretion of the bride.

At a very large formal wedding there is occasionally an announcer standing next to the bride's mother. He asks the guests their names as they approach and repeats the names to the mother of the bride.

Q. My parents are divorced. Do they both stand in the receiving line?
A. The traditional receiving line does not include the fathers. Regardless of the marital status of the parents, only the mothers of the bride and groom stand in the receiving line.

Q. Who sits at the parents' table during the reception?
A. The mother and father of both the bride and the groom, the grandparents," the clergyman who performs the ceremony and his or her spouse are included. If there is room, godparents, relatives and close family friends are also seated at this table. At large receptions there are sometimes separate parents' tables for the groom's parents and the bride's parents. This is perfectly correct, but not as much in keeping with the symbolism of "joining" that a wedding represents.

Q. How should my parents, who are divorced, be seated at the reception?
A. Divorced parents of the bride or groom are never seated together at the parents' table. If they are reasonably friendly, the parent giving the reception will invite the other, but will seat him or her at a separate table. Stepparents are included at the parents' tables, assuming that he or she gets along with the stepchild —-the bride or groom, if there has been great bitterness, it is best that the parent who is not giving the wedding, and his spouse, not attend the reception at all even though they go to the marriage ceremony. If the bride or groom insists, the father or mother might come for a short time, but to avoid possible unpleasantness his or her spouse should tactfully stay away.

Q. Who sits at the table with the bride and groom?
A. When there is a bride's table, the bride and groom sit at the center with the maid of honor on the groom's left and the best man on the bride's right. The other attendants sit on either side. Insofar as possible, men and women alternate. Attendants' husbands, wives and fiancé(é)s should also be seated at the table, and live-in companions are included if there is room."
It is also correct for the bride and groom to circulate among their guests rather than be seated at a bridal table. There should, however, be one reserved table, large enough to seat the attendants, too, so that the bride and groom may always have a place to sit down to eat. In this case, married attendants may be seated at other tables with their spouses, but should be "on call" to gather for the best man's toast and the cutting of the cake as well as to check frequently with the bride and groom to see if there is anything they can do for them.

Q. Who makes toasts at the reception and when are they made?
A. After the receiving line has disbanded, the bridal party seated and all champagne glasses filled, the best man rises and makes the first toast to the bride and groom. Other members of the bridal party may propose toasts, and the groom generally toasts his bride and his new in-laws
If there is no bridal table, the attendants form a group when the receiving line finishes and the best man, asking for silence, offers his toast.

Q. What sort of toasts are appropriate?
A. A best man's toast to the bridal couple may be something like: "To Jessica and Michael—may they always be as happy as they look today." The prime ingredient in an appropriate toast is simply that the sentiment be from the heart.

After the best man has made his toast, the groom may propose a toast to his new bride.

Q. Are congratulatory telegrams read aloud?
A. If telegrams have been received they are read aloud by the best man following the toasts. He then gives the telegrams to the bride's parents for safekeeping ,until the bride and groom return from their honeymoon and are able to acknowledge them.

Q. After we dance the first dance,- what is the order for dancing at the reception?
A. The groom's father usually cuts in on the bride and groom and the groom asks the bride's mother to dance. The bride's father dances with the bride next, the groom's father cuts in on the bride's mother and the groom asks.his own mother to dance. The best man usually is fourth to dance with the bride. The precise order is not important so long as each of the principal men dances with the bride and the mothers first. The dancing, after that, becomes general.

Q. When is the wedding cake cut, and what is the procedure?
A. At a sit-down reception the cake is cut just before dessert is served. When the reception is a buffet, the cake is cut later, usually shortly before the bride and groom leave.

The bride cuts the first two slices, with the groom helping by placing his hand over hers. He feeds her the first bite and she feeds him the second—but neatly, with no squishing of cake and icing into each other's faces! When,the ceremony is completed, a waiter cuts the rest of the cake and others pass it to the guests.

Q. When does the bride throw the bouquet?
A. After the cake is cut and before the bride leaves to change her clothes.
Q. Do I give favors to my wedding guests? A. Among many ethnic groups favors are given to all guests at the reception. Whether or not you choose to give them will depend upon tradition within your family. Favors vary from a small, wrapped piece of wedding cake to gold charms!

Wedding Planning Guide: The Wedding Ceremony

2009-06-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Q. My parents are divorced and each has remarried. Where do my parents sit in the church?
A. The same procedure applies to both the bride's and the groom's parents, with the bride's parents' seating arrangement on the left side of the aisle and the groom's parents on the right side.

Your mother and stepfather sit in the front pew with members of your mother's immediate family— grandparents, aunts and uncles-immediately behind them. If your parents have remained on friendly terms, your father sits in the next pew back with his wife and their family members.

If your parents have not remained on friendly terms but you are close to both of them, it is more difficult. Your mother still sits in the front pew, but your father would sit two or three rows further back. If you have been living with your father and stepmother and have had little to do with your own mother, your father and your stepmother sit in the front pew and your mother sits further back.

Q. Do friends of the bride always sit on one side of the church and friends of the groom on the other?
A. They usually do. The left side of the church is the bride's; the right side the groom's. At weddings where the great majority of guests are friends of one family or the other, the ushers, may ask. some of them if they would mind sitting on the other side. This not only makes the congregation look more balanced but offers more guests the desirable seats near the aisle.

Q. Does the mother of the bride (or groom) wear a coat as she walks up the aisle when the weather is cold?
A. No. As a rule, the mothers leave their outerwear in the vestibule of the church so as not to spoil the effect of their dress. If the church is cold, they may have their coats put in the pews by an usher ahead of time, to be thrown over their shoulders during the ceremony.

Q. Can anyone be seated after the bride's mother is escorted up the aisle?
A. No. If people arrive after that, they must stand in the vestibule, go to the balcony or slip into a rear pew from a side aisle.

Q. What is the order of attendants in the processional?
A. The ushers lead the procession, walking two by two, the shortest men first. Junior ushers follow the adults. Junior bridesmaids come next. The bridesmaids follow, usually walking in pairs also. When there are very few bridesmaids or an uneven number, they may walk in single file. After the bridesmaids comes the matron of honor, then the maid of honor. A flower girl and finally the ring bearer immediately precede the bride and her father.

Q. Does the bride walk up the aisle on her father's right arm or left arm?
A. His right arm. When she and her father reach the groom, who is standing tothe center right at the head of the aisle, she then will be next to him with her right arm free to be given to him. This also leaves the bride's father in the most convenient position to reach his seat in the left pew afterward.

Q. How long does the father remain at her side after the bride reaches the groom's side?
A. Until the clergyman says' 'Who giveth this woman to be married?" After answering, the bride's father turns and joins, his wife in the pew.

Q. The phrase "giving the bride away" in the wedding ceremony makes me see red. Can you offer an alternative to including the question "Who gives this woman. . . ?" in the wedding ceremony?
A. If you feel so strongly about deleting this question from your wedding ceremony, by all means discuss your feelings with your clergyman. You may find him receptive to your objections and able to offer you an alternative you find acceptable. I know of one young woman whose clergyman replaced the offending question with a very lovely sentiment. At the appropriate place in the ceremony, he asked, "Who represents the families in blessing this marriage?"

Q. Who escorts the bride if she has no father?
A. A brother, uncle, godfather and close family
friend are all excellent choices. Although it is not at all traditional; the bride's mother may serve as escort if that is what would make the bride the happiest. If there are no suitable relatives or friends, it also is. untraditional but acceptable for the groom to escort the bride or for the bride to walk alone. The determining factor is the bride's wishes, after consultation with the clergyman.

Q. What is the order for the recessional?
A. The bride and groom together lead the recessional, followed by the flower girl and ring bearer, walking together. Next are the maid of honor and the best man. The other attendants step forward two at a time and pair off, each usher escorting a bridesmaid down the aisle. When there are more ushers than K bridesmaids, the extra men follow the couples, walking in pairs. If there is an odd man, he walks alone at the end. This is the traditional recessional, although it is acceptable for the wedding party to leave as it entered—bridesmaids together and ushers together—if the bride prefers.

Q. Is it permissible to have a receiving line at the back of the church after the ceremony?
A. Yes, if there is to be no reception, or if there are I ig many more guests at the ceremony than there will be § at the reception, the bride and groom may stop and greet their guests at the back of the church. This is never done if the majority of those present are going on to the reception. The receiving line, in order, consists of the bride's mother, the bride, the groom and the bridesmaids. The groom's mother certainly may be included, but the fathers need not stand in the line.

Q. What part do grandparents have in a wedding?
A. A very special part—they are most honored guests. The grandmothers receive a corsage and they are seated directly behind (or next to, if preferred) the parents during the ceremony and they are seated at the parents' table during the reception.

Q. Are all Jewish weddings held in synagogues?
A. Although some Jewish weddings are held in synagogues, they need not be; therefore many are held in hotels, halls or clubs, with the ceremony and the reception in the same place.

Q. Is the attire for the bridal party and guests the same for a Jewish wedding as for a Christian ceremony?
A. Brides and attendants wear almost the same clothing as is worn for a Christian ceremony, although Orthodox brides are always veiled. At Conservative and Orthodox weddings all men must wear yarmulkes or, if the wedding attire is formal, top hats during the ceremony. They may be taken off after a Conservative wedding ceremony but must be worn during both the ceremony and the reception at Orthodox weddings.

Q. Are Orthodox and Conservative ceremonies the same as Reform services?
A. No, they differ in certain aspects. In the first two, the processional is led by the ushers; followed by the bridesmaids. The rabbi comes next, accompanied by the cantor (if one is participating in the ceremony), then the best man and next the groom, walking between his parents. Thé maid of honor follows them, and thé bride, escorted by her parents, comes last.

The ceremony is performed under a canopy called achuppah, sometimes made of flowers but more often a richly decorated cloth. The bride, groom and the two honor attendants stand under the chuppah during the ceremony, as do the parents if it is large enough. Much of the service is conducted in Hebrew.

The bride and groom always lead the recessional. The order of the bridal party may vary, but generally the two sets of parents follow, then the maid of honor with the best man, the rabbi and cantor and finally the bridesmaids and ushers.

The Reform service is usually very, similar to a Christian wedding in arrangement. English is used and the canopy may bè dispensed with. The groom is ushered by his best man, and the bride, is escorted by her father. The order of attendants is the same as in a Christian ceremony. The bride's father, although he escorts her, does not give her away in a Jewish ceremony.

Q. How do Roman Catholic ceremonies differ from Protestant wedding ceremonies?
A. In marriage ceremonies that include participation in a nuptial mass the bridal party is often seated, with the bride and groom seated on two chairs before the altar. There generally is a kneeling bench, and the maid of honor and the best man remain in the sanctuary with the bride and groom. Guests and members of the wedding party may receive Communion during the mass only if they are Catholic, and, while it is preferred that both the best man and maid of honor be Catholic, at least one must be.

If Communion is served during Protestant ceremonies, which occurs very rarely, the bridal party usually remains standing or is seated to the side as guests come forward to receive the sacrament. Otherwise, the processional, the arrangement of attendants during the ceremony, the recessional and the other details are like those for other Protestant weddings.

Q. How does a home wedding-differ from a traditional church wedding?
A. The ceremony itself is exactly the same as it is in church and the order for the processional is, too. The only differences are that, unless the home is a mansion, the number of guests and attendants is fewer and . there is no recessional. After congratulating you, the clergyman steps aside, an usher removes the prayer' bench, if one is used, and your family and friends come forward to offer their best wishes.

Q. What is the order of the processional, ceremony and recessional for a double wedding?
A. Both grooms' ushers go first, followed by the bridesmaids and maid of honor of one bride and then that bride and her father. If the two brides are sisters, the older sister and her attendants are the first irt the processional. After the -first bride and her father, the second bride's bridesmaids follow, then her maid of honor, then the bride and her escort. If the two brides are sisters, the younger sister would be escorted by an older brother or nearest male relative or a close family friend.

During the ceremony, the service is read to both couples, but those points that require responses are read twice. The first bride and groom answer first.
At the end of the ceremony, the first bride and groom leave first, followed by the second bride and groom. The maids of honor follow, walking with the two best men, then the bridesmaids and ushers, in pairs, with the older couple's attendants going first.

Q. How else does a double wedding differ from a single wedding?
A. They don't really differ, other than in the areas mentioned above and in the fact that there are simply more people to arrange. The seating of the parents during the ceremony is more complicated. When two sisters share a double wedding, both grooms' parents must either agree to share the first pew on the right or they must draw lots for it. If the brides are not sisters, their two mothers share the first pew.

At the reception, two separate receiving lines are formed when the brides are not sisters. When they are sisters, their mother—and their father, if he wishes— stand first. Next to them is the first groom's mother, then the first, or older, bride and her groom, followed by the second groom's mother, and then the second bride and groom. Both maids of honor join the line, but not the bridesmaids since the line is already quite long. If the groom's fathers wish to be in the receiving line, they would stand after their wives.

When each couple has many attendants, it is better that they have separate bridal tables, close to or facing each other. Each couple has its own cake, and they cut them one after the other so that each may watch the other's ceremony.

If there are three sets of parents involved, they generally share the parents' table at the reception. If four sets of parents are involved, it is more comfortable to have two separate tables so that grandparents, etc., may be included.

Wedding Planning Guide: Prewedding Events

2009-06-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Q. Who gives bridal showers and how many may a bride have?
A. Bridal attendants, family friends, co-workers and relatives may give showers. Members of the immediate family—mothers, grandmothers and sisters of the bride or groom—should not do so. There is no specific rule about the number of showers, but it is an imposition to ask friends to go to several and bring a gift to each. The bride should go over the guest lists with the hostesses and divide them so that no one person is invited to more than one or, at the most, two showers.

Q. Are showers for women only?
A. No indeed. Showers that include the groom and male guests are often held in the evening or on Sunday. It is fun for the groom, who is often not as much involved in the prewedding planning and festivities as the bride, to participate in a shower. The shower category, however, should be of interest to both the bride and the groom. Bottle or bar showers, workshop showers, garden and barbecue showers all are appropriate.

Q. I have received a shower-invitation that has a note saying "wishing well. " What does that mean?
A. This means that in addition to a regular gift, you have been asked to bring something for a "wishing well." "Wishing well" gifts are tiny presents—a spool of thread, a kitchen sponge, a wooden spoon, a can of soap powder, etc. The hostess usually makes a cardboard replica of a well and decorates it with paper, fabric, laces, doilies, ribbons, etc., and the gifts, wrapped and tied to ribbons, are tossed in. There are no cards on the presents, although at some showers the guests write a poem, which is wrapped around their gift. The bride pulls out the gifts with the ribbons. and reads the poems aloud.

Q. Must a bride write thank-you notes for shower presents?
A. It is never incorrect, but it is necessary only to those guests who have sent a gift and are not present. If the bride personally and warmly thanks each friend for her gift as it is opened, she need do no more.

Q. What is the bridesmaids' luncheon?
A. The bridesmaids' luncheon may be given by the bridesmaids for the bride or vice versa. It is not a shower but rather an opportunity for the bride and her attendants to have lunch together before the wedding. It is usually held on the weekend before the wedding so that those who are working can attend. The bridesmaids usually give the bride their joint present at that time and the bride may give her gifts to them.

Q. What is a bachelor's dinner?
A. It is a festive gathering of men to bid farewell to the groom's bachelor status and, as is the bridesmaids' luncheon, an opportunity for the groom and his attendants, plus other friends, if desired, to get together before the wedding. Toward the end of the dinner, the groom rises and proposes a toast "To my bride" and the men rise.and drink the toast. Bachelor parties once were given by the groom's father, but that is rarely so today. Instead, the ushers usually arrange the party, or it may be hosted by fraternity brothers or co-workers.

Q. When is the wedding rehearsal held? Who takes part in the rehearsal?
A. Usually it is held the evening before the wedding. It is attended by the bride, the groom, all the members of the wedding party and the bride's parents. The groom's parents do not need to attend but they certainly may, if they wish.

Q. Who gives the rehearsal dinner and who attends it?
A. The groom's parents usually give the rehearsal dinner, although it is not obligatory that they do so. If they do not, a member of the bride's family or a close friend may give the dinner.
The bridal party and their fiance(e)s, spouses or live-in companions, family members of the bride and groom and, if possible, out-of-town friends who arrive the day before the wedding make up the. guest list. The clergyman, if a family friend, and his or her spouse, is often included.

Q. Who sits where at the rehearsal dinner?
A. For a large dinner, a U-shaped table is ideal. The bride sits on the groom's right at the outside center ot the base of the U: Her maid of honor sits on the groom's left, his best man on the bride's right. The attendants sit on either side, alternating bridesmaids and ushers. The host and hostess sit at the two ends of the U. If they are the groom's parents, then the bride's mother sits on the groom's father's right and, the bride's grandmother on his left. The bride's father sits on the groom's mother's right and the bride's grandfather sits on her left. The other guests are seated along both sides of the arm of the U, in whatever order seems the most congenial.

At a smaller dinner a rectangular table is best. The bride and groom sit together at the center of the one long side, their attendants beside them, the host and hostess at either end, and other guests in between.

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part III)

2009-06-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

Q. Can you give me. a checklist to help organize the three months prior to the wedding?
A. Yes. Keep the checklist in à convenient place where it can be referred to regularly and additions made or items crossed off as they are attended to.

Three Months Ahead of the Wedding
1. Decide on the type of wedding and reception you want and the degree of formality and the size.
2. With your clergyman's cooperation, set the date and hour of the wedding.
3. With your fiancé, make an appointment for a personal talk with your clergyman.
4. Choose attendants and ask them to serve.
5. Make out your guest list and ask the groom and his family to send their lists to you as soon as possible. Tell them approximately how many guests they may invite, to stay within your limit. A card file is thé most efficient system.
6. Order the invitations and announcements.
7. Order your bridal gown and those of your attendants.
8. Talk to the pastor, sexton and organist about music, decorations and procedure at the ceremony.
9. Engage the caterer if the reception is to be at home.
10. Reserve the club, hotel room, restaurant or hall if the reception is not to be at home.
11. Engage the services of a florist.
12. Make an appointment with a photographer for
your formal wedding portraits, and reserve time for candid shots the day of the wedding.
13. If you plan to have live music at your reception, hire the orchestra or musician.
14. Hire limousines, if necessary, for transporting the bridal party to the church and from the church to the reception.
15. If the wedding is to be at home, make arrangements for repairs, painting, cleaning.
16. If you wish, order notepaper for thank-you notes monogrammed with initials of your maiden name, and paper with your married initials for later.
17. Start to shop for your household trousseau and your personal trousseau.
18. Select your china, crystal and silver patterns.

Two Months Before the Wedding
1. Notify your bridesmaids about their fittings and accessories. If possible, have shoes dyed in one lot.
2. Select gifts for your bridesmaids and a gift foi your groom if you intend to give him one.
3. Go to local gift and department stores and list your choices in their bridal registries.
4. At the time of, or soon after, the final fitting of your wedding dress, have the formal bridal photographs taken.
5. Make detailed plans with the caterer or manager of your club or hotel. This includes menu, seating arrangements, parking and so on.
6. Make medical and dental appointments, and be. sure to make an appointment with your hairdresser for the day of your wedding or a day or two before.
7. Go apartment- or house-hunting with your groom.
8. Address and stuff wedding invitations when they arrive or obtain envelopes when ordering invitations and address them earlier.
9. Make housing arrangements for out-of-town attendants and guests.

The Last Month
1. Mail the invitations three to four weeks before the wedding.
2. Check with your groom about his blood test and the marriage license.
3. With your groom, select your wedding ring— and his, if it is to be a double-ring ceremony.
4. Set up the tables for the display of wedding gifts.
5. Record all gifts and write thank-yous as they arrive.
6. Make a list of your honeymoon clothing and start setting it aside and packing as much as possible.
7. Check on all accessories for your wedding costume and also for those of your bridesmaids.
8. Make final arrangements with the professionals who are working with you—florist, photographer, caterer.
9. Change your name and address on all documents, such as driver's license and checking account.

10. Check your luggage to-be sure it is adequate and in good condition.
11. See about a floater insurance policy to coyer your wedding gifts—especially if you display them.
12. Arrange for a bridesmaids' luncheon if you wish to give one.
13. Address the announcements, enclose them in their envelopes and give them to your mother or a friend to mail the day after the wedding.
14. Make arrangements for a place for the bridesmaids to dress. It is best if they are all-together, whether in your home, at a friend's house or in a room in the church.
15. Plan the seating of the bridal table and the parents' table at the reception, and make out place cards for them.
16. Send your wedding announcement to the newspapers, with your wedding portrait if you wish. Large papers will send you their own form to be filled out.

The Day of the Wedding
1. In the morning:
Have hair done or shampoo and set it yourself. Pick up any orders that are not to be delivered— flowers, food, etc.
2. Two hours before ceremony:
Have bridesmaids arrive at your home to dress and to assist you with last-minute chores or emergencies.
3. One hour before: Bathe and dress.
Ushers should arrive at church at least forty-five minutes before ceremony to plan duties and seat early arrivals.
If you and your attendants are dressing at the church or synagogue, you should arrive now.
4. One half hour before:
Groom and best man arrive at church.
Background music starts.
First guests arrive and are seated.
If you have dressed at home, you and attendants
go to church and wait in private room or corner
of vestibule.
Best man, on arrival, checks last-minute arrangements with clergyman and gives him his fee.
5. Fifteen minutes before:
Family members and honored guests (godparents, for example) arrive and are seated "behind the ribbon" or in the pews near the front. The carpet is rolled down the aisle.
6. Five minutes before:
' The groom's mother and father arrive, and she is escorted in, followed by her husband (unless he is the best man). Finally, just before the music starts for the processional, the bride's mother is escorted to her seat in the front row, her husband takes his place beside the bride and the pew ribbons are put in place.
The attendants take their places in the proper order for the processional.
7. At precisely the time stated on the invitation, the music starts and the ushers lead the procession down the aisle.

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part II)

2009-06-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Q. Our wedding and reception are going to be at home. How should we decorate?
A. There are many variables, such as the size and shape of the room(s) to be used and the style of the wedding. In general, decorations consist of a screen or backdrop of greens or a dark drapery behind the improvised altar and vases of flowers in the windows, on newel posts and on occasional tables. If there is a fireplace, it may be filled with greens and the mantel decorated with green roping or an arrangement of greens and flowers. If you are having an altar rail, decorating it with greens and placing, tall stands holding flower arrangements creates a lovely frame for the ceremony.
If you are serving refreshments in another room, table decorations may be either white or pastels that complement the bridesmaids' dresses and flowers.

Q. How do we plan flowers for the hall where the reception will be held?
A. When you meet with the caterer, decorating is one of the topics on your checklist. Often the caterer is able to include flowers in the overall arrangements you make with him or her. If you prefer to supply your own flowers from the florist or your garden, the caterer can recommend what is customarily used to decorate the hall.

Generally, flowers are white, white mixed with colors or pastel shades chosen to blend with the colors of the bridal party or the tablecloths.

A buffet table may have a bowl of flowers for a centerpiece if the cake is not being used. The bridal table usually has a low, centered floral arrangement so the bridal couple is not hidden from the guests, and often one or two more arrangements at each side if the table is long. Candles may be used, too, for an evening ' or after-dusk reception, but not for a morning or early afternoon reception. Guests' tables generally each have a small floral arrangement.

Other than the flowers on the tables, the only decoration is near or behind the receiving line—either a bank of greens, a fireplace with a bowl of flowers at each end or a stanchion topped with a vase of flowers at each end.

Q. How. can we .make our large church seem more intimate for our small wedding service?
A. One effective decorating technique is to rent pots of shrubbery to form a "hedge" in front of the pews that will not be occupied. If the altar, chancel and occupied pews are brightly lighted and the area behind the screen of greens is left almost dark, the part of the church you are using will seem more intimate. Although your guests would use the aisle, the wedding party would enter from the vestry or waiting room rather than proceeding down the long, dark aisle.
Or, if there are choir stalls, use them as pews and have only the chancel lighted. This gives the smallest wedding all the solemn beauty of church surroundings but in a warm environment.

Q. What can be done with flowers from the church and reception after the wedding?
A. There are several thoughtful ways to. share the flowers from your wedding. You may donate the ceremony flowers to the church, especially if your wedding is on a Saturday, for services the following day. If you plan to do this, be sure to consult with the clergyman or sexton so other flowers are not ordered for that day. You also may have the church and reception flowers delivered to. a hospital or nursing home to be given to people who need cheering up. It is also thoughtful to send some of the flowers to a close friend or relative too ill to attend the wedding.

Q. When should, we visit and select a photographer and what should we discuss?
A. You should reserve a photographer's time as. soon as possible after you have confirmed the date, time and place of your ceremony and reception. In order to select a photographer, ask to see his or her portfolio and discuss the kinds of pictures you wish to have— both candid and formal. Your formal portrait is taken as soon as your wedding dress is ready—at least three weeks before the ceremony. This is especially important if you wish to have a picture of yourself in your bridal gown appear in the newspaper.

The candid photographs often begin with the bride's leaving the house before the wedding and continue through the day. You should discuss the schedule of the day with the photographer, how soon after the ceremony he or she may begin taking pictures (it is distracting and in poor taste to take pictures during the actual ceremony) based on your discussion with the clergyman, and when the formal pictures of the bridal party will be taken.

You should, of course, discuss cost and obtain a written estimate or contract once you have selected a photographer. Most charge a flat fee for the day and present you with the proofs to select those photographs you want printed at an additional charge per print. Others include an album with a certain number of prints included in the fee. Include the questions in the following list in your discussion.

What does a wedding "package" consist of? What is the cost for additions? How many photographs will be taken? What is the number of pages in the photographer's standard wedding album? What does it cost per extra album page? What is the size and cost of extra albums? What is the cost of keeping proofs?

Some photographers expect beverages and a meal. Be sure to check this cost with your caterer before discussing it with the photographer.

Q. Should divorced parents appear together in a photograph with the bride and groom?
A. No. Each one should have a picture taken with the couple separately.

Q. Should stepparents be included in the photographs?
A. Yes, if they are on friendly terms with the bride and groom.

Q. Does my family give a wedding album to the groom's family or should they order pictures themselves? What about pictures for my attendants?
A. Your family may give the groom's parents an album if they wish to, but it is not expected. More generally, the groom's family are shown the proofs and select as many photographs as they would like. The bride's mother places their order, but the bill is sent to the groom's parents. Your attendants may also order and pay for pictures they would like to have. You may, of course, select and order a picture of your attendants and give it to them as a memento, but it is not expected that you do so.

Q. When and how should we select musicians for the reception?
A. As soon as you set your wedding date you should hire the musicians, since many are reserved months in advance. The size and formality of your wedding determines the type of music at the reception. It may be provided by anything from a record player to a ten-piece band. At some very formal weddings there are two orchestras so there is continuous music. At other receptions, a strolling accordionist, guitarist or pianist provides the background music. The choice is yours, keeping in mind the preferences of your guests and providing a balance of contemporary music and slower, softer nines.

These are considerations when you are selecting musicians. If you do not know of any, the caterer is often able to make recommendations. You also may check the Yellow Pages of the telephone directory and ask friends for referrals. Usually, a group in which you are interested will be able to give you a schedule of other appearances they are making so you can listen to them before making your choice.

As you make your selection, discuss the length of the reception, their price, the cost of overtime should you wish to extend the reception, specific songs you would like played and the number and length of the breaks they will take. Often an orchestra or group expects beverages and/or. a meal, and this is something you should discuss with your caterer as well.

Q. What music is appropriate for a religious ceremony?
A. There are many appropriate and lovely pieces from which to choose, including the traditional "Wedding March" by Wagner for a processional and Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" for a recessional. There are many other triumphal hymns and marches, and it is best to check with the organist to be sure they are approved by the church.

Background organ music played while your guests arrive at the church is customary. This is also a time when guest musicians—guitarists, flutists, etc.— play. Again, check your selections with the organist since most churches will not allow- popular music. A selected list of appropriate music—also excellent choices for a soloist—might include:

"Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" by Bach
"Ave Maria" by Schubert
Chorale Prelude, "In Thee Is Joy" by Bach
"The Lord's Prayer" by Malotte
"Liebestraum" by Liszt
"Biblical Songs" by Dvorak
"Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee" by Beethoven
"The King of Love My Shepherd Is" by Hinsworth

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part I)

2009-06-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Q. What questions should you ask when talking with a caterer about services for a wedding reception?
A.

Does the caterer offer a wedding package? If so, what does it contain and what does it cost?
Are substitutions permissible? What food and drinks will be served at the cocktail hour and later in the reception?
Will brand-name liquors be served? If not, and you prefer that they are, what is the cost difference? May leftover liquor be returned and credited against the bill?
If you want an open bar for the cocktail hour and/or the reception, what is the cost?
What are the arrangements for champagne during the reception?
What does a sample place setting consist of?
Will you be able to observe a party arranged by the caterer before your reception?
Will the caterer provide the wedding cake if you decide not to use a bakery? Will you be able to sample a wedding cake beforehand, if so?
How many servers will there be?
Are gratuities included in the total package?
Will the caterer arrange for floral decorations if you are not ordering them from a florist? If so, does he have a book of floral arrangements from which to select?
If you choose not to have floral decorations for the tables, are candelabra or other centerpieces available?
Is insurance against china and crystal breakage included in the costs stated? If not, is it available and at what cost?
Is there an option to extend the reception an extra hour? At what cost?
At what time do servers go on overtime pay?
Are there coat-check facilities and is there an extra charge, if so?
How will tables and chairs be set up?
Do you have a choice of table linens?
Will the caterer provide printed directions to the catering hall for you to include with your invitations?
What is the deadline for your guest count?

Be absolutely sure that every service to be provided and the total itemized costs are given to you in a contract and that you read it carefully for loopholes before you sign it.

Q. Although gratuities for the servers and bartenders are included in the caterer's fee, do I also tip the caterer?
A. It is not necessary to tip the caterer, as he or she is the owner of the business.

Q. My reception will be held at my parents' club. The manager has helped with all the arrangements. Do we tip him? If so, how much?
A. If the manager of your parents' club has assisted with the arrangements, then a tip is in order. The size of the tip would depend on the amount of extra effort, beyond his usual duties, which he made on your behalf. It might be anything from $25 to $100.

Q. What is a groom's cake?
A. One type of groom's cake is a fruit cake. Slices are cut and put into individual white boxes, tied with white satin ribbon and decorated with the combined initials of the bride and groom. These boxes are placed on a table near the door, and each departing guest is expected to take one as a memento of the wedding.

This tradition has become prohibitive in cost for many people and has consequently become less prevalent. It is, however, a lovely custom and providing the cake could be a thoughtful and unusual wedding gift (after consulting with the bride) from a family friend who is skilled at baking. When made as a gift, the individual pieces may be wrapped in white paper and tied with white or silver ribbon.

Another type of groom's cake is a chocolate cake that is placed on a separate table from the bride's cake. It is not cut by the couple or served as is the bride's cake, but is sliced by a waiter so that guests who prefer chocolate cake are free to help themselves. The groom's cake, like the bride's cake, is provided by the bride's family.

Q. When should we visit the florist and how do I know who pays for which flowers?
A. Flowers for the church, the reception and the bridal party are ordered as soon as the details of your wedding have been planned, including the date, type and the colors of the bridesmaids' dresses.

In some areas it is customary for the groom to buy the bride's bouquet. When this is done, the bride's going-away corsage may form the center of her bouquet and it is removed before she throws the bouquet to her friends.

The groom provides the boutonnieres for all his attendants, the two fathers and himself, although the bride's mother often gives her husband his boutonniere, even though it may be ordered with all the others.

The bride traditionally provides the flowers for the church and the reception. Ask the florist if there is a wedding package. Be sure to ask, too, if there are extra delivery charges, and if these charges increase for deliveries to more than one location—such as to your home, the church and the reception site.

Q. Are boutonnieres the same for all men in the bridal party?
A. No. The ushers almost always wear carnations. The best man and the fathers may wear white carnations, too, or they may be given a gardenia. The groom generally wears a different flower from those of the other men, such as a sprig or two of lily of the valley, a gardenia if the others are not wearing them or stephanotis.

Q. What flowers are appropriate for the bride and her attendants?
A. The flowers should be in keeping with the character and formality of the wedding and may be as simple as a single rose or as elaborate as a full cascade. Consult with your florist on such things as appropriateness, cost and seasonal considerations.

The bride's bouquet is almost always made up of white flowers, unless she is wearing a pastel dress or has been married before. In that case, the flowers would be of the same color or a shade which would complement her gown. White orchids, calla lilies, gardenias, stephanotis and lilies of the valley are among, the most popular choices with an elegant white gown.

Be sure the style of the arrangement complements the style of your dress, and that the textures of both are complementary, too., For example, camellias and gardenias, with their shiny, dark leaves, are beautiful against a satin or brocade dress, while eyelet and cotton are better complemented by daisies or sweet peas.

The bride who is marrying for a second time may carry a simple bouquet, wear a corsage or carry flowers pinned to her purse or prayer book. They may be white or a color complementary to her ensemble.

When the bridesmaids' dresses are all of the same color, so are their bouquets. The maid of honor's may be of a different color, but the style should be the same.

Flower girls sometimes carry a little basket filled with rose petals which they strew in the bride's path.

Others carry a tiny old-fashioned bouquet or a small basket of flowers. The bride's attendants sometimes wear flowers in their hair, too, but they should be able to last the duration of the ceremony and reception without wilting or turning brown at the edges. This is the one place where silk flowers may be used, but they must be in keeping with the flowers they carry.

Q. What decorations can be used for a church wedding?
A. Your decision really depends on several factors, such as the size and style of the church itself, the s formality of your wedding, the cost and the regulations practiced by the clergyman or church.

A large church with high ceilings needs many tall floral arrangements to have them show up at all. Even in a small church, remember that the flowers are seen from some distance and bolder flower varieties in simple, clear arrangements show up better than small blossoms.
Church flowers are generally white and, if possible, coordinated with the bride's flowers. This is not mandatory, however. They may also be of a color that blends with the dresses and flowers of the bridal attendants.

Many weddings have two arrangements of flowers on the altar and/or a spray on either side of the chancel steps. In addition, a cluster of flowers, a cascade of greens or a fall of flowers arid ribbons may be used to decorate the ends of every pew, the reserved pews or merely the last of the reserved pews from which the ribbon will start.

Wedding Planning Guide: Invitations & Announcements (Part III)

2009-06-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Q. My fiance and I find traditional wedding invitations too formal for our tastes. Can we write our own invitations? If so, can you suggest the wording?
A. Yes, you may. Your invitation, in your own, less formal wording, may be engraved or thermographed just as a traditional invitation is, or if your wedding is to be simple and untraditional, it may be printed on paper or a card with a design or border, often in acolor carrying out the color scheme of the wedding itself.

Printers' wedding invitation books now include as many less traditional samples as they do tradir tional ones, so you might look at them for other ideas.

One sample of an invitation that seems warmer than the traditional form is:

Our joy will be more complete if you will share in the marriage of our daughter Susan Hall to Mr. James Bogard on Saturday, the second of October at half after four o 'clock 6 Sesame Lane Greens Lane, Pennsylvania We invite you to worship with us witness their vows and join us for a reception following the ceremony If you are unable to attend, we ask your presence in thought and prayer Mr. and Mrs. Hugo Stone [or, Anne and Hugo Stone]
R.S.V.P.

Another very informal idea would be a card written in the bride's hand, as in the following example.

Lee Spencer and Peter Davis
invite you to celebrate their marriage
on
Saturday, September : the eighth at four o'clock
44 Beach Road, Essex, Connecticut
R.S.VP.

Q. We are only inviting twenty people to our wedding. Would it be proper to send handwritten notes rather than printed invitations?
A. Absolutely. In addition to the handwritten invitation above, another suggested wording might be:

Dear Aunt Sally,
Dick and I are to be married at Christ Church on November tenth at four o'clock. We hope you and Uncle Jim will come to the church, and afterward to the reception at Greentree Country Club.
With much love from both of us, Jeanne

Q. Just when may a wedding invitation be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and Family"? A. Only when every family member is intended to be included in the invitation. When the outer envelopeis addressed in this way, the inner envelope is addressed "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and (below) "Christine, Catherine and Robert."

Q. Are abbreviations used when addressing wedding invitation envelopes?
A. The only abbreviations should be Mr., Mrs., Dr., etc., never the street addresses or parts of names.

Q. At what age should children receive their own invitations?
A. Children over the age of ten should, if possible, receive their own invitations. If more than one child in a family is to be invited and you are sending one invitation for all of them, the inner envelope is addressed "Marion, Richard and Robert" and the outer envelope is addressed "The Messrs. and Miss Dow-ling" or "Miss Marion Dowling and The Messrs. Robert and Richard Dowling" below.

Q. Should wedding invitations have return addresses on the envelope?
A. Yes. Although in the past it was considered in bad taste, it now is required by the United States Postal Service that all first-class mail bear a return address. Also, it is a way to provide a return address if no R.S.V.P. appears on the invitation.

Q. Should invitations be sent to . . .
. . . the person who performs the ceremony and his or her spouse?
A. Yes. It's courteous, and indicates that you definitely are including the spouse.

Q. . . . the fiancee of the invited guest?
A. Yes. It's particularly nice to send him or her a separate invitation, but if that is not possible, his or her name should appear on the inner envelope below the name of the invited guest.

Q. . . . the bridal party members?
A. Yes. They are not expected to reply, but may like to have the invitation as a memento. A response card is not included.

Q. . . . the groom's parents?
A. Yes. It is a courtesy and also a special memento for
them. Again, no response card is included.

Q. . . . relatives and friends living too far away to attend the wedding?
A. Yes, although many people prefer not to do this, feeling it might appear that they are merely asking for a gift. In this case, they should receive an announcement or possibly an invitation to the church only, neither of which carries any obligation whatsoever.

Q. . . . small children who are not invited to the reception?
A. Yes, if it will be convenient for their parents to arrange to have them taken home before the reception —otherwise you may be creating an awkward problem.

Q. . . . people in mourning?
A. Yes, even though they may not attend.

Q. Is it ever acceptable to invite one member of a married couple without inviting the spouse?
A. No. Both members must be invited, even if you only know one of them.

Q. May I invite only one member of an unmarried couple who are living together?
A. No. Both should be invited. A single invitation should be sent, addressed to Miss (or Ms.) Joan Morrison and Mr. Frederick Newsome on separate lines. In the event that you are unaware that your friend is living with someone and he or she asks if the other person may come after receiving your invitation, you should issue another invitation to the second person, if possible. If you have no more invitations, send a personal note explaining that you were unaware but would be delighted if both would attend.

Q. Is it correct to invite co-workers in your office to your wedding with a single invitation posted on the bulletin board?
A. Yes, so long as you are aware that it means that everyone and their spouses are invited. If you do this, it is a good idea to post an "R.S.V.P." sheet with it so you know how many people to expect. If you can afford the extra invitations, it is preferable to send them individually.

Q. We've changed the date of our wedding. Our invitations have already been printed. Can we cross out the old date and insert the new one?
A. Yes. If you have no time to enclose a printed card reading "The date of the wedding has been changed from May tenth to June sixteenth,'' you may neatly cross out the old date and write the new one beside it.

Q. We canceled our wedding plans shortly after mailing the invitations. How do we inform people?
A. There are three ways to do this. If you have time, a printed card may be sent:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Markham announce that the marriage of their daughter Denise to
Mr. Pierce Delaney will not take place

This method avoids your or your parents' having to answer questions when you are undoubtedly upset.
If time is short, invited guests must be notified by telephone and/or telegram. Telegrams would read "Regret to inform you wedding of Denise Markham and Pierce Delaney has been canceled." Or to closer friends, "Regret that Denise's and Pierce's wedding has been called off."

If you are relaying the message by telephone, friends and relatives may be asked to help make the calls, thereby parrying questions so you and your parents don't have to repeatedly explain.

Q. How do announcements differ from invitations? Who gets them and who doesn't?
A. Announcements are just that—they announce that a wedding has taken place and they are sent after the wedding. It is never mandatory to send them, but they are useful. They place no obligation on the recipient to send a gift, but they serve to inform old friends who have been out of touch, business clients, people who live too far away to be able to attend and closer friends who cannot be included when the wedding and reception lists are small. Announcements are never sent to anyone who has received an invitation to the ceremony and/or the reception.

Q. How is an announcement worded?
A. The form of a wedding announcement resembles the form of the wedding invitation in everything except wording. The notepaper, style of engraving and manner of addressing the envelopes are all the same.

For many years the announcements were issued in the name of the bride's parents. I recommend that the family of the groom be included on the announcement with that of the bride as in the following example.

Mr. and Mrs. Howard Carter James and
Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Homes Seaburn announce the marriage of Nancy Lynn fames and
Stanley Homes Seaburn, Jr. Saturday, the second of May One thousand nine hundred and eighty-seven Trinity Church New Milford, Connecticut
R.S.V.P.

Q. How soon after a wedding are announcements sent?
A. As soon as possible after the wedding, preferably the next day. If there is some extenuating circumstance, they may, however, be mailed up to several months later.

Q. What information should be included in a newspaper wedding announcement and when should it be sent?
A. At least three weeks before the wedding, the announcement and the bride's photo should be sent to the newspapers and should appear the day following the ceremony.

Each paper will use as much information as it wishes, and in its own words. Some large city paperswill return a form to be completed with all the information they require, but most will accept your copy. In general, you should provide:

Bride's name and address
Her parents' names and their address
Her grandparents' names
Bridegroom's name and address
His parents' names and their address
Time of ceremony
Place (church, synagogue, etc.)
Location of reception
Who will give the bride away—relationship to bride
List of all the attendants
Description of the clothing of the bride and her attendants
Bride's schools
Bride's profession
Groom's schools
Groom's profession
Wedding trip
Future residence

Q. We selected our wedding rings when we picked out the engagement ring. In what order are our initials engraved? Are both rings engraved the same way?
A. You really may engrave your rings with whatever sentiment you wish or just with initials. Today, most wedding rings are engraved with the initials of the bride and groom and the date of the wedding. When Charles Evan Forte marries Michèle Harriet Cole, they may choose to engrave their rings "C.E.F. to M.H.C." on hèrs to him and "M.H.C. to C.E.F." on his to her, or "C.E.F. & M.H.C." or with both sets of initials and a decorative symbol between them.
Although engagement rings are not usually engraved, they certainly may be, if you wish, in any manner you like.

Wedding Planning Guide: Invitations & Announcements (Part II)

2009-06-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Q. I am a medical doctor and my fiancé holds a Ph.D. Do we use our titles on our wedding invitations?
A. Women use their titles only when the invitations are issued by themselves and their grooms. Holders ofacademic degrees do not use "Dr." unless they are always referred to that way.

Q. My fiance will receive his medical degree in June and we are getting married in July. Even though he tvon 7 officially be a doctor at the time that we order the invitations, should we use his title on the invitations?
A. Yes, since he will be a doctor at the time of your wedding.

Q. My sister and I are planning a double wedding. How do we word the invitation?
A. With the elder sister's name given first, the correct form is:
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Smart request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughters Cynthia Helen to
Mr. Steven Bodow and Linda Caroline to
Mr. Michael Scott Adams Saturday, the tenth of May at four o'clock Trinity Church
R.S. V.P.

Q. Our wedding will be held at a friend's home. Are the-invitations, issued in their names or in my parents' names?
A. In your parents' names. The form would be:
Mr. and Mrs. Bronson Kelly request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Erin Kristen to
Doctor Kenneth 0'Byrne Saturday, the sixth of April at eight o'clock at the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Evan Hubert Dunn East Lansing, Michigan
R.S. V.P.

Q. We are having a private wedding ceremony with only immediate family present, but would still like to have a reception for family and friends. How would invitations to the reception be worded?
A. Mr. and Mrs. Jason Gould
request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception of their daughter Susan and
Mr. Sidney Abrams [etc. ]

Q. My husband and I married in Europe three months ago and have just returned home. Our parents have graciously offered to give a wedding reception for us. How would the invitations be worded?
A. Mr. and Mrs. Reid Michaels
request the pleasure of your company at a reception in honor of Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Miller [etc. ]
Or, a less formal invitation may be issued by using fill-in printed cards and writing "In honor of Melanie and Christopher" or "In honor of Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Miller" at the top.

Q. What is the proper way to respond to a wedding invitation?
A. Invitations to a marriage ceremony do not require an answer, unless the invitation has arrived in the form of a personal note. In that case it should be answered at once, also by handwritten note.

Invitations to the reception alone or to both the ceremony and reception follow the form of the invitation. If the invitation is in the traditional third-person form so is the response. The reply to a wedding invitation from Mr. and Mrs. Gregg Mariotti to Mr. and Mrs. William James DeRosa would read as follows.

Mr. and Mrs. William James DeRosa accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Mariotti's kind invitation for Saturday, the first of June
or, if you prefer: .
. . .the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Gregg Mariotti for
Saturday, the first of June
In the event Mr. and Mrs. DeRosa could not attend the wedding, the phrasing would be "regret that they are unable to accept" in place of "accept with pleasure."
Replies to semiformal- or informal-style invitations do not need to be in the traditional third-person style. They may be answered by a short personal note, or even by telephone when that seems most appropriate. All invitations, no matter what the style, should be answered as promptly as possible.

Q. Is it in good taste to enclose reply cards with invitations to a wedding reception?
A. No, it is not. Unfortunately, however, many people today do not bother to answer a wedding invitation promptly by hand. The use of answer cards is sometimes the only way to determine accurately how many people to expect. If you feel this is the case in your area, you are justified in using them.

Q. How can one tell invitees that their children are not included?
A. Since it is not correct to print "Please do not bring children" on an invitation, the best solution is word of mouth. Simply explain that you are terribly sorry but that you cannot include children if you are afraid your guests will bring them even though the envelope does not include their names. Ask those with whom you speak to help you spread the word.

Q. When the bride's parents are divorced and both have remarried, is it proper to include all four names on the invitation?
A. Only if both couples are sharing the expenses and acting as co-hosts. Otherwise, only the name of the couple who pays and acts as host at the wedding and reception should appear.

Q. My fiance and I are giving our own wedding. May we still send out the invitation in our parents' name?
A. Yes, you may. It is perfectly proper and a lovely way to share the happiness of the event.

Q. Why aren't the names of the groom's mother and father included on the wedding invitation? A. Unless the groom's parents are sharing the expenses, your parents are the hosts and therefore the invitations are issued in their names.

Q. Why are tissues included in wedding invitations?
A. Engravers used to use tissue sheets to protect against blotting or smudging, but improved techniques have made the tissues unnecessary and you may discard them if you wish.

Q. I received an invitation with a small card that says "within the ribbon." What do I do with it?
A. This means that a certain number of pews have been reserved for special guests and that you are to be I seated in one of these pews. Take this card to the church and show it to the usher who escorts you.

Q. What is an at-home card?
A. It is a card approximately four by two and one half inches, slightly smaller than the reception card, that notifies your friends of your address after you are married. It is also an ideal way for the bride to let others know if she will be taking her husband's name or continuing to use her own name.
An at-home card may be included with the invitation or announcement and follows this form:

Laura Peterson and James Dennison will be at home after the thirtieth of September 323 Hinman Place Mamaroneck, New York 10543

Q. Why are there often two envelopes for a wedding invitation?
A. The use of two envelopes is a tradition that probably goes back to when invitations were delivered by hand. For politeness the envelopes were left unsealed. Later, when mail services began, the unsealed envelopes were inserted into larger ones that could be sealed. A practical reason for using two envelopes today is that the names of family members, escorts of your invited guests and children can be listed on the inner envelope. However, today in the interests of economy and conservation it is perfectly acceptable to eliminate the inner envelope.

Q. When there are two envelopes, how are they addressed?
A. The inner envelope bears only the names of the people to whom the mailing envelope is addressed using neither first names nor addresses. For example, you would write "Mr. O'Dorinell" or "Mr. and Mrs. Newberry."
Close relatives' inner envelopes may be addressed "Grandmother," "Aunt Julia and Uncle Edward," etc.

If you are including an invitation to an escort or date on an invitation to a single friend, the outer envelope is addressed to your friend and the inner envelope is addressed "Miss Richards and guest." If you know his name and address, it is preferable to send him his own invitation.

The outer envelope may include no abbreviations, either in the names or the street addresses. You may eliminate the middle name of the recipient, but if you use it, it must be written in full. For example, on the inner envelope you write only "Mr. and Mrs. Fulton"; on the outer envelope you write "Mr. and Mrs. William Andrew Fulton" or "Mr. and Mrs. William Fulton."

Q. How is the inner envelope inserted into the mailing envelope?
A. The invitation, folded edge first, is put in the inner envelope with the engraved side toward the flap. If the invitation requires a second fold, it should be folded with the engraving inside and inserted folded edge first.

If the invitation is folded twice, all insertions (such as a reception card) are placed inside the second fold with the printed side facing the envelope flap. If the invitation is not folded a second time, the cards are inserted in front of it with the reception card next to the invitation and any smaller cards in front of that.

The inner envelope, unsealed, is placed in the outer envelope with the flap away from you.

Wedding Planning Guide: Invitations & Announcements (Part I)

2009-06-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

Q. When should invitations be ordered?
A. As soon as you have confirmed dates and times for both the ceremony and the reception.

Q. How far in advance of the wedding are invitations sent?
A. Approximately ten days to three weeks for an informal wedding and four to six weeks for a formal one.

Q. What is the traditional style of an invitation?
A. Traditional invitations are engraved or thermo-graphed on the first page of a double sheet of ivory, white or soft cream heavy paper. The paper may be flat or have a raised margin (called a plate mark or panel). Separate invitations to the reception are engraved on small, stiff cards appropriate in size to the size of the wedding ceremony invitation.

Q. Should the style of the invitation match the formality of the wedding?
A. Yes. All the elements of your wedding should be consistent for a smooth and harmonious atmosphere. The invitations set the tone of the ceremony. If youhave decided upon a traditional wedding you should use the formal, third-person-style invitation. If you are being married on a beach at dawn with a buffet breakfast to follow, your invitations might be a poem illustrated with shells.

Q. What is the traditional wording and spelling for a wedding invitation?
A. Some of the specific rules for formal wedding invitations are as follows:
The invitation to the wedding ceremony reads: "requests the honour (spelled with a & ) of your presence. ..."

The invitation to the reception, when not an enclosed card saying "reception following the ceremony," reads: "requests the pleasure of your company. ..."

Invitations to a Roman Catholic ceremony may replace the phrase "at the marriage of" with "at the marriage in Christ of." They may also add, beneath the groom's name, "and your participation in the offering of the nuptial mass."

If the invitation includes the handwritten name of the recipient, the full name must be written out. The use of an initial—"Mr. and Mrs. James B. Simpson"—is not correct.

No punctuation is used except after abbreviations, such as "Mr.," "Mrs.," etc., or when phrases requiring separation occur in the same line, as in the date.

Numbers and dates are spelled out, but long numbers in the street address may be written in numerals.
Half hours are written as "half after four," never "half past four" or "4:30 P.M." or "four-thirty P.M."

"Doctor" is written in full, but "Mr." is never written "Mister." "Junior" may be written in full, although "Jr." is preferred.

No words are capitalized except those that would be ordinarily, such as people's names and titles, place names and names of the day and month.

The year does not have to be included on wedding invitations, but usually is on announcements since they may be sent long after the wedding takes place.

The invitation to the wedding ceremony alone does not include an R.S.V.P.
On the reception invitation, "R.S.V.P.," "R.s.v.p." and "The favour of a reply is requested" are equally correct. If the address to which the reply is sent differs from that which appears in the invitation, it is also correct to use "kindly send reply to," followed by the correct address.

Q. What is the correct form for an invitation to the wedding ceremony only?
A. The most formal wedding invitation, rarely seentoday, has the name(s') of the recipient(s) written by hand:

Doctor and Mrs. John Huntington Smith request the honour of
presence at the marriage of their daughter Millicent Jane to
Mr. James Edward Pope Saturday, the first of November at twelve o 'clock St. John's Church
R.S. V.P.

An equally correct and more commonly used form is:

Doctor and Mrs. John Huntington Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter [etc. ]

Q. Our guest list for the ceremony is larger than for the reception. Do we need a separate invitation to the reception?
A. Yes, in this case a separate reception card is enclosed with the invitation to the ceremony. The following example shows the most commonly used form.

Reception Immediately following the Ceremony Knolls Country Club Lake Forest
The favour of a reply is requested Lakeside Drive, Lake Forest, Illinois

Q. What is the correct form for a single invitation to both the wedding ceremony and the reception?
A. The card described above may be used when every guest is invited to the reception, but it is more common and less expensive to issue a combined invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Gordon .request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Anne Marie to Mr. David Mahoney, Junior Saturday, the twelfth of June at three o'clock Church of the Resurrection Ridgemont, New York and afterward at the reception Two Springdale Lane
R.S. V.P.

Q. How should a wedding invitation be worded when . . .
. . . the groom's family gives'the wedding?
A. Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Pater
request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Miss Marie Dubois to
their son John Henry Pater, Junior [etc. ]

Q. . . . the groom's family is co-hosting the wedding?
A. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Coleman
and
Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Golden request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Barbara Jill Coleman and Andrew Golden [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has only one living parent?
A. Mrs. Albert Cass eta
requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [etc.]
or
Mr. Albert Casseta requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of his daughter [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has a stepfather?
A. If her own father has had no part in her life, and her stepfather has brought her up, the invitation reads:
Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Denoyer request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Francine Ann Colby [etc. ]
If the bride's mother has been widowed or divorced and has recently remarried, the invitation reads as follows.
Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Denoyer request the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [or, Mrs. Denoyer's daughter] Francine Ann Colby [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride's mother and father are divorced and only the mother is giving the wedding?
A. Mrs. Virginia Barnes requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [etc.]

Q. . . . the bride's divorced and remarried parents are
giving the wedding together?
A. The bride's mother's name appears first:
Mr. and Mrs. Paul Kassay and Mr. and Mrs. George Cook request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Prudence Jean Cook [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has no living family?
A. If the wedding is given by friends, the invitationreads:
Mr. and Mrs. John Baxter request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Miss Elizabeth Murray to
Mr. Henry Fordham [etc.]
If the bride and groom send out their own invitations, they would read:
The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Miss Elizabeth Murray to
Mr. Henry Fordham [etc. ]
or
Miss Elizabeth Murray and
Mr. Henry Fordham request the honour of your presence at their marriage {etc. ]
The other possibility would be that the bridegroom's family would give the wedding, in which case the wording is the same as shown above.

Q. . . . the bride is a young widow or divorcee?
A. Invitations may be sent by her parents exactly as were the invitations to her first marriage. The only difference is that both her maiden and married names are used:
Doctor and Mrs. Maynard Banks request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Priscilla Banks Loring [etc. ]

Q. . . . the groom is in the military?
A. If his rank is below Lieutenant Commander in the Navy or Coast Guard or Major in the Army, Air Force or Marine Corps, his name is given this way:
Robert Armand Ensign, United States Navy
Officers of the ranks stated above or higher have the title oh the same line as their names and the service below:
Colonel Adam Manville United States Air Force
In the case of reserve officers on active duty, the second line would read, "Army of the United States" or "United States Naval Reserve."
First and second lieutenants in the Army both use "Lieutenant" without the numeral.
A noncommissioned officer or enlisted man may have his rank and his branch of the service below his name or not, as he wishes:
John Philip Jones United States Air Force

Q. . . . the bride is in the military?
A. A bride who is in the service usually does not use her title, although she may if she wishes to. The invitation would read:
Claire Mandel Lieutenant, United States Army

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part III)

2009-06-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Q. Do men in the wedding party wear dinner jackets (tuxedos) at all formal weddings?
A. No. Tuxedos are worn only for semiformal and some informal evening weddings. See the chart for a list of appropriate clothing for the groom and his attendants.

Q. My fiance is in the military, Should he wear his uniform for our wedding?
A. If it is important to him and you approve, he certainly may wear his uniform.

Q. I have a three-year-old son, May I wear a white wedding gown at my forthcoming marriage?
A. No, nor should you wear a veil or orange blossoms or a dress with a train. Off-whites, whites with color in trim or accessories or pastels are very appropriate, however, and you may wear a long dress, if your wedding is formal or elaborate.

Q. What expenses do the bride and her family pay?
A. The traditional division of expenses is listed here. Actual expenses paid by each family may be different depending on financial circumstances, ethnic or regional variations and any agreement the two families reach regarding expenses. The traditional expenses paid by the bride and her family are:

The invitations and announcements
The bride's wedding dress and accessories
The service of a bridal consultant, if desired
Floral decorations for the church and the reception
Bouquets for the bridesmaids
Bouquet for the bride (unless local custom is that it is provided by the groom)
Corsages for the bride's mother and grandmothers, unless, the groom is providing them
Boutonniere for the bride's father
Music for the church and the reception
The church sexton's fee
Transportation for the bridal party to the church and then to the reception, if rented limousines are used
All the expenses of the reception
Bride's presents to her attendants
Bride's present to her groom, if she wishes to give him one
Groom's wedding ring
Hotel accommodations for bride's attendants if they cannot stay with friends, neighbors or relatives
Travel expenses and lodging for the clergyman if he has been invited by the bride's family and must travel a distance to perform the ceremony
Formal wedding photographs and candid pictures
Awnings, a tent for an outdoor reception and ribbons and a carpet for the church aisle, if not provided by the church
The services of a traffic policeman, if necessary

Q. What expenses do a groom and his family have?
A. As explained in the previous question, this is the traditional division of expenses. It is subject to modification by agreement between both families, financial circumstances and ethnic or regional variations. The traditional expenses paid by the groom and his family are:

Bride's engagement and wedding rings
Groom's present to his bride, if he wishes to give her one
Gifts for the best man and the ushers
Hotel accommodations for the groom's attendants if they can't stay with friends, neighbors or relatives
Ties, gloves and boutonnières for the best man and ushers
The groom's and his father's boutonnières The clergyman's fee or donation The marriage license
Transportation for the groom and his best man to the church
Expenses of the honeymoon
The rehearsal dinner
The bride's bouquet in areas where it is the custom
The bride's going-away corsage
Corsages for immediate members -of both families, unless the bride has included them in her florist's order
Bachelor dinner, if he wishes to give one
Groom's parents pay their own transportation and lodging expenses
Travel expenses and hotel- accommodations for the clergyman if he has been invited by the groom's family and must travel a distance to perform the ceremony

Q. How much should the clergyman's fee be?
A. The amount varies according to the size and the formality of the ceremony. It may range from $20 for a small, private wedding to from $100 to $300 for an elaborate one. If the fee is paid by check, it is made out to the clergyman unless he or she has informed you it should be made out to the church instead..If the clergyman has traveled a distance to perform the ceremony, both traveling and lodging expenses are paid for by the family at whose request the trip was made.

Q. What expenses do the bridesmaids have?
A.

Their own dresses and accessories
Transportation to and from the city or town where the wedding takes place
A contribution to a gift from all the bridesmaids to the bride
A wedding gift to the bride and groom
Participation in a shower and/or luncheon for the bride

Q. What expenses do the groom's attendants have?
A.

Rental of wedding attire
Transportation to and from city or town where wedding takes place
Contribution to a gift from all the groom's attendants to the groom
A wedding gift to the bride and groom
Participation in the expenses of the bachelor dinner, if given by the ushers

Q. Who pays for the lodging expenses for family or friends when they come from out of town?
A. They pay their own expenses, although either set of parents fnay arrange lodging with other friends or relatives, or secure hotel accommodations, as a courtesy. If the bride's and groom's families wish, they also may offer to pay the expenses of out-of-town guests, but it is neither expected nor required.

Q. Does the groom's family ever pay any of the costs of the reception?
A. Yes. In certain localities and among some ethnic groups it is customary for the groom's family to share in the expenses of the reception. When this is an accepted and traditional practice it is perfectly correct. Furthermore, in general, the.groom's family is more and more often sharing, in some or "all of the expenses with the bride's family. It is no longer considered an insult for the groom's family to offer to share, simply out of thoughtfulness or to allow a bigger reception than the bride's family alone can afford. It is critical, however, that the offer come from the groom's family and not be a request or suggestion on the part of the bride's family, and that the groom's family abide by the bride's parents' wishes and not insist if there is any resentment.

When the groom's family assumes a fair share of the costs, they become co-hosts with the bride's parents. Therefore, the wedding invitations should be issued in their names, too.

Q. What expenses should we budget for when planning a wedding?
A. First, list the categories of expenses you will be incurring and then obtain estimates from the vendors, services, etc., you plan to use so you have a realistic picture of the dollars and cents involved. The following chart shows the basic expense categories for both a large, formal wedding and a small, at-home wedding. No amounts are given here for the large wedding, as these costs change rapidly and vary widely in different parts of the United States. If you will have to lodge your attendants at a hotel, or provide a thank-you gift to a friend, relative or neighbor who will house your guests, be sure to include it as a category, as well as such things as shoes, gifts to your attendants and extra entertainment costs for out-of-town guests.

For a Simple Wedding at Home

	Type	Amount
Invitations	Handwritten notes or telephone calls	$10
Food	Sandwiches, snacks	$100
Beverages	Punch (with or without liquor)	$25-$50
Flowers	Fresh from garden or 2 vases for "altar"	$30
Cake	Baked by Aunt Doris	$0
Photographs	Taken by Uncle John	$0
Caterer	Friends and relatives	$0
Hall rental	None	$0
Music	CD or records (rented)	$20
Wedding dress	Borrowed from best friend or favorite "old" dress	$0
Clergy fee	Small donation or gift if ceremony performed by friend	$25
Sexton's fee	None	$0
Limousines	None	$0

Although some of these items may seem incidental, the costs add up quickly and it is wise to prepare as comprehensive a budget as possible.

Q. Who decides on the number of guests?
A. This is determined by whoever is hosting the wedding reception (usually the bride and her family), based, of course, on the number of guests who will fit comfortably in the planned accommodations.

Q. How is the total number of invitations divided between the bride's family and the groom's?
A. Usually they are divided in half, especially if both families are of roughly equal size and if they live in the same community. If they do not, the groom's mother will have an idea of how many of the groom's family and friends will travel to the wedding and gives this information to the bride's mother. If this number is less than the number allotted to the groom's family, the bride's mother is free to issue this number of extra invitations.

Q. The groom's mother wishes to invite more than the number of places allotted to the groom's family. How do we handle this situation?
A. The size of a wedding reception is determined by choice and by financial necessity, or both, and the groom's mother should make every effort to stay within the number of places allocated to her. Your mother should be frank, if asked to increase the size, and explain that the planned size is what you can afford. If the groom's mother feels she must invite more than her allocated number, she and her husband should suggest that they pay a share of the expenses sufficient to cover the additional costs. If this is not satisfactory or if you and your parents do not want to alter your plans, she can plan a reception for you and your groom after your honeymoon, inviting the friends who could not be included at the wedding.

Q. What determines the formality of the wedding?
A. The elements of whether a wedding is formal, semiformal or informal have traditional patterns. The chart in the following posts provides a list of your options. Many of the items are interchangeable and may be adapted to fit your situation.

Q. After deciding the date and site of the wedding, are there any rules about choosing the hour of the ceremony?
A. No, there really aren't any rules, although certain customs, climates and personal preferences are "rules of thumb." For example, Catholic weddings that include a nuptial mass were traditionally held at noon or earlier to accommodate those who fast before mass. Although this is no longer necessary, many Catholic weddings are still held at that hour. In the South, summer weddings are often held in the evening since the days are so warm. In the East, formal Protestant weddings most often are held at four or five o'clock in the afternoon. Whatever time you choose, it is best to plan the reception immediately following the wedding so that your out-of-town guests are not left wondering what to do or where to go!

	Formal	Semifbrmal	Informal
Bride's dress	Long white gown, train,	Long white gown, veil	White or pastel cocktail
	veil optional	optional	dress or suit or
			afternoon dress
			(sometimes, very
			simple long gown)
Bridesmaids' dresses	Long or according to	Long or according to	Same type of dress as
	current style	current style	worn by bride
Dress of groom and his	Cutaway or tailcoat	Sack coat or tuxedo	Dark blazer or jacket
attendants
Bride's attendants	Maid or matron of	Maid or matron of	Maid or matron of
	honor, 4-10	honor, 2-6	honor, 1 or 2 children
	bridesmaids, flower	bridesmaids, flower	(optional)
	girl, ring bearer	girl, ring bearer
	(optional)	(optional)
Groom's attendants	Best man; 1 usher for	Best man; 1 usher for	Best man; 1 usher if
	every 50 guests, or	every 50 guests, or	necessary to seat
	same number as	same number as	guests
	bridesmaids	bridesmaids
Location of ceremony	Church, synagogue or	Church, synagogue,	Chapel, rectory, justice
	large home or garden	chapel hotel, club,	of the peace, home,
		home, garden	garden
Location of reception	Club, hotel, garden or	Club, restaurant, hotel,	Church parlor, home,
	large home	garden, home	restaurant
Number of guests	200 or more	75 to 200	75 or under
Provider of service at	Caterer at home, or club	Caterer at home, or club	Caterer, friends and
reception	or hotel facilities	or hotel facilities	relatives or restaurant
Food	Sit-down or semibuffet	Buffet (bridal party and	Stand-up buffet or 1
	(tables provided for	parents may have	table for all guests;
	bridal party, parents	tables); cocktail buffet	may be a meal or
	and guests); hot meal	food, sandwiches, cold	snacks and wedding
	served; wedding cake	cuts, snacks, wedding'.	cake
		cake
Beverages	Champagne; whiskey	Champagne or punch for	Champagne or punch
	and soft drinks	toasts; whiskey and	for toasts; tea, coffee
	(optional)	soft drinks (optional)	or soft drinks in
			addition

Q. What matters should be discussed with the clergyman when we first meet with him?
A. There are several points to cover, depending on your religion. A general checklist includes the following:

The service itself—whether it will be traditional and/or whether you wish to write your own vows or include special passages
Whether he or you should contact the sexton or organist about music, a visiting soloist or musician, etc.
Your preferred date and time of the wedding, and a time for the rehearsal
What kind of counseling he will have with you
What, if any, papers or documents he may need from you
Whether photographs may be taken in the church either before or after the service
Whether candles may be used
The clergyman's recommendations on the number of guests the church or synagogue will hold
Whether you or he should discuss such things as canopies, carpets, dressing facilities, candles, etc. with the sexton, and what the charge will be for the use of these items
Whether there are dress restrictions for the wedding party
Whether the congregation will remain seated or stand during the procession and the service
Whether decorations are permitted, and, if so, when you or your florist can have access to decorate

Q. May a relative who is a member of the clergy perform my wedding?
A. Yes, as long as your clergyman is willing. If he or she is, you and your fiance should talk with both clergymen, or communicate by telephone or letter, as well as check as to whether the visiting clergyman wishes to make a preliminary visit to become acquainted with the church or synagogue.

Q. May a couple who have been living together for some time have a church wedding and a reception?
A. Yes, if your clergyman is willing to perform the ceremony.

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part II)

2009-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Q. Why doesn't the best man walk in the processional?
A. In Orthodox and Conservative Jewish ceremonies the best man does precede the groom in the wedding procession, because the groom is part of the procession. In Christian ceremonies the best man also stays with the groom but since the groom is not part of the processional, the two enter the church through a door near the altar and the best man stays at the groom's side during the entire ceremony.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the ushers?
A. Usually the groom chooses one usher who is particularly reliable or experienced to be the head usher. He is responsible for seeing that the others arrive at the rehearsal and the church on time, assigning them to certain aisles and designating the ones who will escort the immediate family. The head usher may escort the bride's and/or the groom's mothers in and out of the church unless there are brothers of the bride or. groom who are ushers, in which case they would escort their own mothers.

The ushers see that all guests and family members are seated, insofar as possible, where they wish to be. Traditionally, ushers offer their arm to women they are escorting and the women's husbands or escorts walk behind. They do not offer their arm to men guests but do walk beside them to show them to their seats. An alternative manner is to have the usher lead a husband and wife or other couple, walking together, to their pew, and "usher" them both into it. Instead of offering his arm to the woman as a couple arrives, the usher simply looks at both of them and says, "Please follow me."

Two ushers are appointed to put the pew ribbons in position, and two others to lay the carpet (unless junior ushers are handling this task). Ushers attend the bachelor dinner, if there is one, or sometimes arrange it themselves, and they are expected to contribute to a gift, to the groom.

Q. Do the ushers stand in the receiving line?
A. No, they do not. They should mingle with the guests while the receiving line is in place, and are seated at the bridal table, if there is one.

Q. Should my mother and my fiance's mother wear the same-length and style of dress?
A. It certainly looks attractive if both your mothers are dressed similarly, especially since they stand together in the receiving line. The bride's mother is the first to decide on what she will wear—how long her dress will be, what style and what color. She should then tell the groom's mother what her decision is so the latter may plan her costume accordingly. If the groom's mother feels uncomfortable in the type of clothing chosen by the bride's mother, however, she should be free to select something in which she will feel attractive and happy.

Whatever they choose, their dresses should not be the same color as your bridesmaids' dresses, nor should they both wear the same color, nor should they elfish with each other or with the wedding party. Neither mother should wear black or white.

Q. What style clothing should the fathers wear?
A. Although it is not obligatory, the father of the bride should dress in the same style as the groom and his attendants. Since he walks in the procession with the others, it presents a more unified picture if he dresses as they do.

The groom's father also may dress in the same fashion as the other men of the wedding party, especially if he is to stand in the receiving line. If he does not take part, however, and does not wish to dress formally, he may wear the same clothes as the men guests. See the chart on the following pages for specifics. Both men wear boutonnieres.

Q. I'm confused about what clothing should be worn by me, the wedding party and our
guests for morning, afternoon and evening weddings. Are there any guidelines?
A. Yes, there are. Following is a chart which will enable you to see at a glance the correct combination for every type of wedding.

	Most Formal Daytime	Most Formal Evening	Semiformal Daytime
Bride	Long white dress, train and veil; gloves optional	Same as most formal daytime	Long white dress; short veil and gloves optional
Bride's attendants	Long dresses, matching shoes; gloves are bride's option	Same as most formal daytime	Same as most formal daytime
Groom, his attendants, bride's father	Cutaway coat, striped trousers, pearl gray waistcoat, white stiff shirt, turndown collar with gray-and-black-striped four-in-hand or wing collar with ascot, gray gloves, black silk socks, black kid shoes	Black tailcoat and trousers, white pique waistcoat, starched-bosom shirt, wing collar, white bow tie, white gloves, black'silk socks, black patent-leather shoes or pumps or black kid smooth-toe shoes	Black or charcoal sack coat, dove gray waistcoat, white pleated shirt, starched turndown collar or soft white shirt with four-in-hand tie, gray gloves, black smooth-toe shoes
Mothers of couple	Long or short dresses; hat, veil or hair ornament; gloves	Usually long evening or dinner dress, dressy short cocktail permissible; veil or hair' ornament if long dress; small hat, if short; gloves	Long or street-length dresses, gloves; head covering optional
Women guests	Street-length cocktail or afternoon dresses (colors are preferable to black or white); gloves; head covering optional	Depending on local custom, long or short dresses; if long, veil or ornament—otherwise, hat optional; gloves	Short afternoon or cocktail dress; head covering for church optional
Men guests	Dark suits; conservative shirts and ties	If women wear long dresses, tuxedos; if short dresses, dark suits	Dark suits

	Semiformal Evening	Informal Daytime	Informal Evening
Bride	Same as semiformal daytime	Short afternoon dress, cocktail dress, or suit	Long dinner dress or short cocktail dress or suit
Bride's attendants	Same length and degree of formality as bride's dress	Same style as bride	Same style as bride
Groom, his attendants, bride's father	Winter, black tuxedo; summer, white jacket; pleated or pique soft shirt, black cummerbund, black bow tie, no gloves, black patent-leather or kid shoes	Winter, dark suit; summer, dark trousers with white linen jacket or white trousers with navy or charcoal jacket; soft shirt, conservative four-in-hand tie; hot climate, white suit	Tuxedo if bride wears-dinner dress; dark suit in winter, lighter suit in summer
Mothers of couple	Same as semiformal daytime	Short afternoon or cocktail dresses	Same length dress as bride
Women guests	Cocktail dresses, gloves; head covering for church optional	Afternoon dresses,, gloves; head covering for church optional	Afternoon or cocktail dresses, gloves; head covering for church optional
Men guests	Dark suits	Dark suits; light trousers and dark blazers in summer	Dark suits

Groom's father: He may wear the same costume as the groom and his attendants, especially if he is to stand in the receiving line. If he is not to take part and does not wish to dress formally, he may wear the same clothes as the men guests.

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part I)

2009-06-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Q. When are the attendants invited to be in the bridal party?
A. As soon* as you have set your wedding date, you should invite your attendants to serve as members of your bridal party. This can be done in person, by telephone or by letter.

Q. Is it obligatory for me to have my fiance's sisters as my bridesmaids?
A. No, it is not obligatory, but it is customary. If you have a problem including them, be sure you and your groom-to-be discuss how you will handle the issue so there are as few hurt feelings or misunderstandings as possible. If they are much older and really not suitable "maids," perhaps you can include them in another aspect of your wedding or reception, helping introduce people or serving in another way.

Q, What do we do if one of the attendants backs out the week before the wedding?
A. You may, even up to the last day or two, ask another close friend to fill in. Friends should not be offended by a late invitation but rather feel flattered that you feel close enough to count on them in an emergency. It would' be most courteous of you to absorb any expense they will need to incur to participate in your wedding, however, since the cost would not have been planned in their budget. If there is no other friend available to step in, simply proceed with your wedding plans with one less attendant.. If this causes awkwardness in your processional or recessional, ask your clergyman for advice on alternative ways to enter and exit.

Q. Is there arty rule about the number of ushers and bridesmaids?
A. The only rule is really a practical rule of thumb— that there be one usher for every fifty guests. Otherwise, the average formal or semiformal wedding party includes four to six bridesmaids and at least that many ushers. There may be more ushers than bridesmaids, but there should not be more bridesmaids than ushers. A bride need not have any bridesmaids but she must have one attendant or maid of honor.

Q. May I have both a maid and a matron of honor?
A. Certainly. If you feel you want to have both, your maid of honor takes precedence, holding your bouquet, being in charge of the groom's ring and serving as a witness. If you have both, you need to decide whether you then wish to have an extra usher to escort the matron of honor.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the maid of honor?
A. In addition to holding your bouquet and the groom's ring during the ceremony and serving as a witness, the maid of honor is the bride's aide and "consultant," relieving the bride of as many chores as she can, especially on the wedding day. Although it is not obligatory, a maid of honor who is not a member of the bride's family usually arranges for or gives a shower for the bride, often with the help of the bridesmaids. She is also in charge of choosing the gift that will be given to the bride from all the bridesmaids together, and collecting the money to pay for it. At the end of the ceremony, the maid of honor helps the bride adjust her train and veil when she turns to recess. She also stands in the receiving line, may or may not propose a toast to the bride and groom, and she helps the bride change into her going-away clothes. The maid of honor also helps the bride's mother put away the bride's dress when the bride is changing to leave the reception.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the bridesmaids?
A. Bridesmaids may be single or married contemporaries of the bride whose special duties include forming the bridal procession and, if the bride desires, standing with her in the receiving line. Later they circulate among the guests, acting as "deputy hostesses." Any of them may give a shower, or they may all give one together. Often, bridesmaids give a luncheon for the bride, or attend one given by her. Generally they give her a joint present, engraved with their names or initials, as well as personal wedding gifts.

Q. What are the age limits for flower girls, ring bearers, junior ushers and junior bridesmaids?
A. Flower girls and ring bearers are usually between three and seven years old. Junior ushers and bridesmaids generally are between eight and fourteen, when they are too big to be flower girls and ring bearers, but too young to be bridesmaids and ushers. Depending on their size and your wishes, they may, of course, be slightly younger or older.

Q. What are the responsibilities of younger attendants and what do they wear?
A. Flower girls used to scatter petals before the bride, but more often today they simply carry a basket or bouquet of flowers. She must be part of the rehearsal, but whether she is included in showers and the rehearsal dinner depends on her age and the wishes of her parents. Her dress is paid for by her family. It may be similar to the bridesmaids' dresses or it may be modified to a child's style, in a matching color.

A ring bearer carries the ring or rings fastened to a firm white velvet or satin cushion with a white thread or a hat pin. Often, facsimiles are on the cushion and the best man and maid of honor carry the real rings. Like the flower girl, the ring bearer must attend the rehearsal, but his attendance at other functions is optional. The most appropriate dress for a ring bearer is short pants and an Eton jacket, preferably white, but occasionally navy. Small versions of the ushers' apparel are not appropriate.

Junior ushers, if there are two of them, often are appointed to be in charge of the white carpet or the pew ribbons. Otherwise, their only duties are to attend the rehearsal and to be part of the processional and recessional. They walk behind the regular ushers and dress like them.

Junior bridesmaids, like junior ushers, are responsible only to walk in the procession. They attend thé rehearsal, but they are not expected to give showers or contribute to the bride's gift. Junior bridesmaids need not stand in the receiving line, but may do so if asked to by the bride. Their attendance at the rehearsal dinner and at showers is not mandatory and depends on their age. Junior bridesmaids dress like the bridesmaids.

Q. What responsibilities does the best man have?
A. At some point before the wedding, the best man consults the ushers about a gift for the groom and is then responsible for ordering it and collecting money from the ushers to pay for it. He also makes the presentation to the groom, usually at the rehearsal dinner or at the bachelor dinner, if there is one.

The best man also assists the groom in coordinating the clothing the ushers will wear. If it is rented formal wear, he helps the groom make sure the measurements and sizes are given to the store in plenty of time, that the ushers are fitted,-if possible, and that the ushers are able to pick up their clothing. After the wedding, he takes care of returning the groom's clothing, if rented, and he or the head usher do the same for all the ushers' clothing.

The best man may help the groom pack for his honeymoon and makes sure that the clothes the groom will change into after the wedding are packed in a separate bag and taken to where the reception will be held.

He makes sure the groom is properly dressed in plenty of time and that he gets to the church on time. The best man is also responsible for the wedding ring and must be sure to get the clergyman's fee from the groom, which he delivers on behalf of the groom. He may do this before the ceremony while they are waiting to enter the church or, if he has time, immediately after the recessional. He sees the bride and groom into their car or, if there is no chauffeur, the best man drives the bride and groom to the reception himself.

At the reception, the best man does not stand in the receiving line, but mingles with the guests and helps the bride's family in any way he can. He is responsible for making the first toast to the newly-weds. After the toast, he reads aloud any telegrams or messages that have been received and keeps them carefully, to deliver to the bride's parents. The best man is the fourth man to dance with the bride after she has danced with the groom, the groom's father and her own father.

Toward the end of the reception he helps the groom change and makes sure he has everything he needs for his wedding trip. He then escorts the groom's family to the room where the groom is dressing, for their farewells. The best man is in charge of whatever transportation the bride and groom will use to leave the reception, and he keeps these plans secret to avoid the pranks of practical jokers. If the couple is leaving by car, he sees that their luggage .is in the car and may either drive the bride and groom to their, car or arrange to have it delivered at the moment of their departure. When the bride and groom are ready to leave, the best man leads them through the waiting guests, to the door.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part III)

2009-06-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Q. I will be getting married after graduation. My fiance and I attend different colleges. Must I refuse all offers to socialize this semester?
A. There is absolutely no need for you to sit home alone, but you should not have "twosome" dates, see the same person frequently or let an occasional meeting with one person lead to others of a more intimate nature.

Q. What should I call my fiance(e)'s parents?
A. The question of names is a truly sensitive one for many people, and thoughtfulness must be observed on both sides. If you don't know your fiance(e)'s parents well, you should continue to refer to them formally— Mr. and Mrs. Anderson— unless they specifically request you to use their first names or nicknames. If they do not bring up the subject and you feel uncomfortable, the best solution is an open discussion. If it seems too difficult a subject to bring up and a solution does not happen naturally, the safest compromise, during your engagement, is simply shortening "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson" to "Mr. and Mrs. A-"

Q. What is a trousseau?
A. According to the derivation of the word, a trousseau was the "little trousse" or "bundle" that the bride carried with her to the house of her husband. There are no rules today about how much clothing you should have in your personal trousseau. It depends entirely on your financial situation and the life that you and your fiance will be leading. If possible, you should plan to begin your marriage with a wardrobe sufficient to last you for one season, and preferably for one year, including the clothes that are currently in your wardrobe. The three new articles that every bride should have if she can possibly afford them are her wedding dress, her going-away clothes and a nightgown and negligee for her honeymoon.

Q. What should the basic household trousseau consist of?
A. As with a personal trousseau, a household trousseau depends entirely upon your financial situation and the life you will be leading once married. In general,-you will be very well equipped if you begin your marriage with the items in the following list.

Bed Linen (amounts are for each bed)
4 sheets for master bed (2 fitted lower sheets) 4 sheets for each guest bed (2 fitted lower sheets)
2 pillowcases (for each single bed; 4 for double or queen-sized bed)
1 blanket cover (optional)
2 quilted mattress pads 1 lightweight blanket 1 electric blanket or 2
and 1 comforter 1 bedspread

Bath Linen (quantities are for each bathroom) 4 large bath towels 4 matching hand towels 4 washcloths 4 guest towels 2 bath mats 1 shower curtain

Kitchen
6 sturdy dish towels 4 dishcloths or 2 sponges 4 potholders

Table Linen
1 damask, linen or lace tablecloth for formal entertaining
8 to 12 dinner napkins to match
2 or 3 yard-and-a-half square cotton or linen tablecloths for bridge or small tables (matching napkins optional)
1 or 2 sets of linen placemats with matching napkins (optional) 12 linen or cotton (preferably no-iron) napkins in neutral or several colors to go with odd placemats'or tablecloths you may be given
1 set (4 or 6) of everyday placemats (preferably plastic or easy-care).
1 set (6 or 8) of more elaborate placemats for use at informal parties
Large, paper dinner napkins
Cocktail napkins, paper or cloth

Q. How should linens be marked?
A. Ashley Elizabeth Hopewell, who will marry George Thomas Simpson, could have linen embroidered with her married initials or with her future husband's last initial.

When a bride chooses to keep her own name after marriage, the two last initials are used with a decorative device between. Naturally, linen that is monogrammed before an engagement is marked with the bride's maiden initials.

Q. Where are square linens marked? Rectangular ones?
A. Square tablecloths are marked in one corner midway between center and corner so that the monogram shows on the table.
Rectangular tablecloths are marked at the center or each long side midway between the table edge and the center of the cloth.

Very large damask napkins are marked in the center of one side, smaller ones in the corner-usually diagonally, but sometimes straight. To determine the best place to monogram napkins, fold one exactly as it will be folded for use and then make a light pencil outline in the center of the folded napkin.

Sheets are always marked with_the base of the letters toward the hem so that when the top is folded down, the letters can be read by a person standing at the front of the bed.

Pillowcases are marked approximately two inches above the hem.
Towels are marked so that the monogram is centered when the towels are folded in thirds and hung on the rack.

Q. What are the basic requirements for everyday dishes?
A. Usually, a complete set of 4 or 6 place settings of inexpensive china, stoneware, pottery or unbreakable plastic ware serves nicely as everyday dishes. It generally includes:

Dinner plates
Dessert plates (which do double duty as salad plates)
Cereal dishes (used also for soup, puddings, fruit, etc.)

Mugs or cups
Saucers if cups are chosen
Cream pitcher and sugar bowl
Optional: 2 platters and 2 vegetable dishes

Q. What does a typical place setting consist of?
A. Dishes for entertaining include:

Soup cup (two-handled, for both clear and cream soups)
Dinner plate
Salad plate (may double as a dessert plate)
Bread and butter plate
Cup
Saucer
Optional: cream soup plates, demitasse cups

Additional options are not a part of the individual place setting but do complete a set of china:
Cream pitcher and sugar bowl
Platters and vegetable dishes

Gravy boat
Sauce bowls for hollandaise, mayonnaise, etc.

Q. How should flatware be monogrammed?
A. Either a single letter—the initial of the groom's last name—or a triangle of letters is used for monogramming flatware. If the triangle of block letters is used, there are three variations that may be considered:

The last-name initial may go below with the first-name initials of the bride and groom above. When Samantha Adams Burns marries Henry Wilson Carter:
The flatware may be engraved with the bride's married initials:
Or with the last-name initial above and their two first-name initials below:
If a man is a "Junior," the "Jr." is not used when the initials form a design, as on flat silver.

Any initialing should be simple in style. Elongated Roman goes well on modern silver, and Old English is best on the more ornamented styles. Monograms have always been placed so that the top of the letter is toward the end of the handle. It appears upside down as seen by the diner at that place. Although this is traditional, it is acceptable to reverse the direction so that the initials are legible to the user, if you prefer.

Q. What exactly is a bridal registry and how should I use it?
A. This is a service provided by many stores as a help to you and to your friends and relatives who wish to send a gift. You and your groom visit the stores in your area and select items you would like to have, including your china, silver and glassware patterns. The store opens a file just for you, listing the items you have chosen. When friends shop in a store at which you have registered, the personnel assist them by showing them the things you have chosen. If a purchase is made from among the items you have indicated, that item is checked off so another friend will not duplicate the gift. As a courtesy to friends of varying means, select items in a range of prices.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part II)

2009-06-01T08:36:00.001-07:00

Q. When may I announce my engagement in the newspaper?
A. No sooner than the day after your engagement party, if you are having one. Otherwise, an announcement usually appears in the newspaper two or three months before the proposed date of the marriage. If the circumstances warrant, the announcement may appear up to a year before the wedding date, or as little as a week ahead. No announcement should ever be made, however, of an engagement in which either person is still legally married to someone else—no matter how imminent the divorce or annulment may be.

Q. Under what circumstances would it be in bad taste to announce an engagement in the newspaper?
A. The only time a public announcement is not appropriate is when there has recently been a death in either family or when a member of the immediate family is desperately ill. In these cases the news is spread by word of mouth, although a public announcement may follow some weeks later.

Q. My fiance's family is from another town. Should an engagement announcement appear in his local paper? Should it be in his parents' name or in my parents' name?
A. Your family should ask your fiance's parents if they would like to have an announcement appear in their locality. If so, your mother should send the same announcement that will appear in your town's papers to the papers your nance's parents specify. The announcement of the engagement is always made in the name of the bride's parents or her immediate family. Even if the groom's mother puts the announcement in her local papers, she does so in the name of the bride's parents.

Q. May we include a photograph of the two of us with our engagement announcement?
A. Certainly, if the newspaper has space and its policy permits the inclusion of photographs. The photo used with an engagement announcement used to be of the bride alone, but today it is more and more frequently a photo of the couple. A black-and-white glossy print must accompany the written information you send the newspaper.

Q. What is the general wording for an engagement announcement?
A. Each newspaper has its own special wording, and many have forms for you to complete from which they write the announcement themselves. Send your announcement to the Society Editor one to two weeks before it is to run. The date on which you would like the news to be published should be given to all papers so that the notices will appear simultaneously. The usual form for your announcement is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Lane Huntington of Larchmont, New York, announce the engagement of their daughter, Elizabeth [Adams, Huntington—optional], to Mr. Thomas Charles Cole,, son of Mr. and Mrs. Donald Francis Cole of River Forest, Illinois. A May wedding is planned. Miss Huntington was graduated from Northwestern University and is now Program Director for the National Broadcasting Company in Chicago. Mr. Cole was graduated from the University of Michigan. He is at present' associated with Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc., in Evanston, Illinois.

Q. My mother passed away when I was quite young. My father wants to announce my engagement in the newspaper. Would my mother be mentioned in such an announcement?
A. Yes. When one of the bride's parents is deceased, the deceased parent is mentioned in the text of the announcement:

Mr. [Mrs.] Edward Patrick O'Hare announces the engagement of his [her] daughn ter, Miss Eileen Bailey O'Hare, to Dr. Francis Kelly . . . etc. Miss O'Hare is also the daughter of the late Mary Smith O'Hare [Edward Patrick O'Hare]. . . .

If one of the groom's parents is deceased the form differs slightly:

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Brown announce the engagement of their daughter, Miss Jeanine Frances Brown, to Mr. Christopher Long, son of Mrs. Allen Carter Long and the late Mr. Long. ...

Q. My parents are divorced. In whose name is the engagement announcement made?
A. The mother of the bride usually announces the engagement, but, as in the case of a deceased parent, the name of the other parent must be included:

Mrs. Ruth Helmsley announces the engagement of her daughter, Missjillian Helmsley. . . . Miss Helmsley is also the daughter of Mr. George Helmsley of Warrenville Heights, Ohio. . . .

When the divorced parents have remained friends, and if their daughter's time is divided equally between them, they may both wish to announce the engagement:

Mr. Glenn Parker of Pittsburgh and Mrs. Adam Zeitlin of New York City announce the engagement of their daughter, Miss Mary Ellen Parker. ...

Q. How should an older woman, divorcee or widow announce her engagement?
A. A woman of forty or more, even though her parents are living, generally does not announce her engagement in the newspaper but instead calls or writes her relatives and friends shortly before the wedding. An older widow or divorcee announces her second engagement in the same way, although the engagement of a young woman marrying for the second time may be announced in the newspaper.

Q. I have lived independently of my parents since college. How do I announce my own engagement?
A. Assuming you and your parents have maintained a friendly relationship, they still announce your engagement in their names. If you and they have severed all ties, however, you may announce your own engagement in the following way:

The engagement of Miss Lisa Jean Barth to Mr. John Tyler Gibson is announced. . . .

Q. How are second-time engagements announced?
A. Second-time engagements are announced by personal note or telephone call. If it is important to you to have an announcement appear in the newspaper, however, you include the same information that you included the first time.

Q. What happens when an engagement is broken?
A. The bride must immediately return her engagement ring and all other presents of any value her fiancé has given her. Gifts should also be returned with a short note of explanation:

Dear Beth,
I am sorry to have to tell you that Brian and I have broken our engagement. Therefore I am returning the tablecloth that you were so sweet to send me.
Love, Jennifer

A notice reading, "The engagement of Miss Andrea Rogers and Mr. Everett Brduk has been broken by mutual consent," may also be sent to the newspapers that announced the engagement.

If the groom dies before the wedding, the bride may keep any gifts she has received, if she wishes, as well as her engagement ring. If the ring is a family heirloom, however, and she knows the groom's parents would like it to remain with their family, she would be considerate to offer to return it.

Q. How long should an engagement be?
A. The ideal length of an engagement is between three and six months, unless there are reasons for a longer one, such as the need to finish college or a long term yet to be served in the armed forces.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part I)

2009-06-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

Introduction
Weddings, which should always be a time of happiness and joy for all involved, often become filled with jitters, fatigue, anger and hurt feelings, simply because the planning process isn't organized easily or efficiently or because there is a battle over who is in charge.

Even though the wedding may be paid for by the parents of the bride or groom or both, the decisions belong to the bride and groom. The bride's feelings take precedence, whether the question concerns the guest list or the flavor of the wedding cake. Parental advice should never be ignored and is always valid from their point of view, but if there is a real conflict of opinion, the unwritten guideline is that parents must accede to the bride's wishes. After all, it is her day and her wedding!

The problems created by lack of organization are dealt with more easily if just a little time is put into the planning process. There is no reason to spoil an exciting period because important details are overlooked or put off until the last minute or because the people involved are not aware of their responsibilities.

This series provides answers to the most-asked questions about weddings from the time of an engagement right through the reception. Included are a suggested schedule; guidelines on apparel, personal expenses of the wedding party and 'what to ask the photographer, caterer, musicians and clergyperson; an efficient way to record gifts; the correct procedures for the members of the wedding party; and tips on giving and receiving gifts and the wedding ceremony itself. Because proper wedding planning follows a sequence, this series is arranged to aid the bride, the groom and their families in their own planning from start to finish. My hope is that by following these suggestions your wedding and all that leads up to it will be as lovely and enjoyable as it should be!

Q. We've just become-engaged.-My mother is waiting for his mother to call and his mother is waiting for my mother to call her. Which family makes the first move to meet the other?
A. As soon as the prospective groom has talked with his parents, his mother should telephone your mother, tell her how happy she is about the engagement and suggest they get together. If your parents live far away from the groom's parents, a visit should be arranged between the families. Whichever parents can travel most conveniently should make the trip.

If, however, the groom's parents do not realize they should make the initial move, your parents should quickly do so. The only thing that's really important is that your families get together in a spirit of friendship.

Q. My parents are divorced. Whom should my fiance's parents call?
A. The first call is made to the parent with whom you lived after the divorce or with whom you live now. If you also are close to your other parent, he or she should be called shortly thereafter.

Q. My fiance's parents are divorced. Which one of them should call my parents?
A. The parent with whom your fiance has been living, or with whom he lived after the divorce, is the one who makes the first move. If he lives alone, and neither his mother nor father has thought of contacting your parents, your parents should arrange to see his parents separately, usually meeting his mother first and his father shortly thereafter.

Q. May our engagement be announced before I receive an engagement ring?
A. Yes. An engagement ring is not essential to becoming engaged. If you have an engagement ring, you first wear it in public on the day of the official announcement of your engagement. It doesn't have to be a diamond. A diamond is still the usual choice, but colored stones, such as large semiprecious stones or your or your fiance's birthstone, have become popular in recent years.

Q. Who gives an engagement party and when is it held?
A. Once your and your fiance's parents have met, an engagement party may be held. The bride's family usually gives the engagement party. If they cannot afford to do so or are dead or perhaps live far away, the groom's family may give the party. The one requirement is that both you and your fiance be present.

Q. Who makes the announcement at an engagement party?
A. There are innumerable ways of breaking the news at the party, from balloons or cocktail napkins with your names printed on them to a decorated cake, and there is not a rule in the world to hamper your own imagination. Since your mother, you and your fiance should be standing at the, door to greet the guests, there is really little need for an announcement at all! However, the conventional announcement is made by the father of the bride-to-be, in the form of a toast.

Q. How might a toast to the future bride and groom be worded?
A. There are many simple but lovely toasts the bride's father may propose, such as, "Now you know that the reason for this party is to announce Sarah's engagement to Hank. I would like to propose a toast to them both, wishing them many, many years of happiness." Another choice could be, "Please drink with me to the happiness of the couple who are so close to our hearts—Sarah and Hank." A very brief toast may be, "Will you all join me in a toast to Sarah and Hank."

Q. Do either the future bride or groom respond to the toast at an engagement party?
A. During the toast, both remain seated while everyone else rises and drinks a little of his or her beverage. The groom, at this point, should reply to his fiancee's father's toast. All he need say is, "Sarah and I want to thank you all for being here and for your good wishes." He may, of course, be more eloquent, if he wishes. The groom's father usually follows with a toast to the bride and her family. It is not necessary for guests of the party to propose toasts, but it is perfectly proper if they wish to do so.

Q. My fiance lives in another city. May his parents give an engagement party to introduce me to their friends?
A. Unless the bride's family is unable to do so, they should not give an "official" engagement party. But they certainly may give a reception or a formal or informal party or dinner to offer you and their friends an opportunity to meet.

Q. Are gifts given at an engagement party?
A. Engagement gifts are not expected from friends and acquaintances. They usually are given only by relatives and very special friends, and they generally are given to the bride alone. Sometimes they are given by the groom's, family as a special welcome to the bride. Examples of engagement gifts would be something, personal, such as lingerie or jewelry, or something for the bride's linen trousseau—towels, a blanket cover, table linen or a decorative pillow. Presents should,not be taken to an engagement party. Since only close relatives and special friends give gifts, it can cause embarrassment to those who have not brought anything. If some guests do bring gifts, the bride should open them in private with only the donor present rather than making a display of them in front of those who did not bring anything.

In some localities and among many ethnic groups an engagement party isn't given to announce an engagement as much as it is given to celebrate the engagement. When this is the case in your family or among your neighbors, gifts are often brought to the party.. A highlight of this type of engagement party is to end the evening by sharing the couple's excitement as they open the gifts.

Q. Are written thank-you notes required for gifts given at an engagement party?
A. If the gifts are delivered to you in person and you thank the givers sincerely at the time, you need do nothing more, although a note is always welcome. If you haven't opened them in the presence of the givers, however, or if they are delivered to your or your fiance's homes, you should write a note of thanks immediately. You should also write notes promptly in response to all welcoming or congratulatory messages that you receive.

Q. May I send printed engagement announcements?
A. No, it is not in good taste to send, engraved or printed announcements. You may, and should, however, send notes to or call relatives and close friends to inform them of your engagement before an engagement party or newspaper announcement. This prevents them from reading it first in the newspapers and consequently suffering hurt feelings. If your engagement is to be announced at a surprise party, you may ask them not to tell anyone else. Relatives who receive notes should telephone or write the bride as soon as they receive the news.

Expect Something to Go Wrong

2009-05-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. How can this book go on and on aD0Ut now t0 prepare for and organize a perfect wed-ding and then mention the need to expect impending disaster?
You've dreamed of this day. You planned for it in exacting detail, to the point that every moment runs through your mind like an Oscar-winning movie. So, with all your notes, your memos, and your endless instruction sheets, how can a blessed thing go wrong?

As Rod Serling opened every episode of the Twilight Zone, . . . here is your special day, "submitted for your approval."

You wake up on your wedding day with a stress blister on your mouth. It's raining. Four guests have called to cancel, but one couple has left word that they have to bring their six kids. The hair salon just called — your stylist is out sick. Your mother is crying. You throw up your cereal. It's still raining. The flower girl's mother is on the phone — the sweet little child has smeared peanut butter all over her $200 designer dress and refuses to wear anything but her "Barney the dinosaur" nightshirt. A bridesmaid shows up on your doorstep — she broke up with her boyfriend last night, who just happens to be her bridal party partner. Can you rearrange the couples, please, oh, please? Your mother's still crying. The dog was just sprayed by a skunk. Your little brother says you're ugly. Now you're crying. Did you just hear thunder? You spill your coffee every time the phone rings. One of the ushers is on the phone — his dress shoes squeak; can he wear sneakers? Your mother manages to dry her tears and find you a hairstylist. She's your Great Aunt Millie who hasn't practiced her trade since Elvis cut his first record. It's still raining. Another bridesmaid calls — she has an abscessed tooth, and the only time her dentist can see her is two hours before the wedding — but don't worry, she'll be there. You rearrange the bridal party a second time. Lightning strikes and the dog dashes under your bed, dragging your wedding veil with him. The lights go out. It's still raining. Your father is bathing the dog in tomato juice. The rest of your bridesmaids show up. The maid of honor will be there soon — one of the girls saw her car being towed on the interstate. The best man calls — he can't find the groom. Aunt Millie shows up with a tiger-striped drawstring bag full of sponge rollers. It's pouring out. Finally, the maid of honor arrives. She walked six blocks in the rain, holding her dress over her head. But relax — your little brother just put the dress in the dryer. You throw up for what you hope is the last time, and get ready. Luckily, the maid of honor fits in your old prom gown. The photographer arrives. At least he has his camera. You line up for pictures. The dog runs in and shakes all over everyone. It's definitely time to go. At least the limo driver has an umbrella — you know because he accidentally poked you in the eye with it. You get to the church. You start down the aisle. Where is the groom? Oh, there he is! Guess what — he fainted . . .

Okay, okay, so no bride has ever experienced a wedding day disaster such as this. But in my many years of wedding planning, these kinds of mishaps have really occurred. It is important to realize that things will happen beyond your control! Now, I'm not referring to gross negligence. That is totally inexcusable. I'm referring to the little mishaps that come and go without too much fuss, like a broken heel, or a forgotten garter. Expect it, conquer it, and laugh. No small problem is ever going to destroy your day.

But let's pretend that your reception coordinator comes to you with a real problem. Don't scream, fuss, fume, or faint. Allow him or her to explain how the facility is going to make amends. And if the solution is acceptable, let it simply blow over.
And what if it isn't acceptable? What if the facility is definitely not coming through with something as promised, and you rationally know that the mistake shouldn't have happened. Now, I know it sounds difficult, but do the best you can with the situation. When you .get back from your honeymoon, you can bring your complaints to the executive manager of the facility. And whatever happens, don't let it ruin the rest of your day!

Whatever happens on your wedding day (and may it be as minor as a brief rain shower, which, by the way, is good luck!) always remember that you have the strength of family, the devotion of friends, and the love of a special someone "from this day forward"!

You will be a beautiful bride. You will have a beautiful day. There is no doubt in my mind.

My best to you both in your future together as husband and wife. May you share good health, prosperity, and happiness all the days of your lives!

When You and Your Fiance Have Called It Quits

2009-05-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Every couple has a tiff or two before the wedding. With all the fuss and planning,and excitement and expenses, it's almost expected. But if you can see through the smoke of emotional stress and sense danger in your future, take a long, hard look at things and talk to each other until there is no talking left to do.
You may find (with a surprising sense of relief) that you are better off apart.

Then what happens? Contact your coordinator and all the other professional service people that you are contracted with for your wedding. (If you can't handle it, ask your maid or matron of honor, or some other trusted, well-spoken friend or family member, to do it for you.) Expect to lose all your deposit funds. If you and your "ex" can communicate like adults, you may wish to split the burden equally. For example, if you or your family put down all the deposit money, your "ex" should reimburse the proper person or persons for half the total.

Look into the "recall" notices available to you through your local printer if you have the time for printing and mailing. If not, gather your bridal party and start calling your guests. Determine what you want said. Don't be embarrassed to let people know that the wedding is off due to mutual consent. Let the knowledge that you are saving yourself from a future of hurt and pain be your shield. Return all wedding gifts. You might want to include a brief note of thanks for the donor's concern and understanding. Assure them that you are doing just fine. And then get on with your life.

But what if your fiance wants to break things off for no apparent reason? This is one of the most emotionally difficult ordeals you will ever have to face in your life. And it can be worse when you didn't see it coming.

Some men are just afraid of marriage. Although this may, in some cases, be a good reason not to get married, it is no excuse for being rude, and certainly not a good excuse for canceling a wedding that has already been planned. And your fiance is even more of a coward if he waits until the last minute to let you know.

Everyone reacts to shock and pain differently. But if I may, I would like to point out something I've seen from experience. The. ladies in your wedding party will undoubtedly feel almost as shocked as you do. But they will not know what to say to you until you indicate''that it-is okay to talk about it. Their silence is only out of respect for your feelings. As soon as you are ready, gather them up and go out together. It will most likely be a therapeutic evening for you. Complain; Laugh. Cry. It's the beginning of recovery.

From this side of the page, I can't tell you if the marriage is worth fighting for. Only you know for sure. But never let your pride be your sole warrior (although sometimes that's easier said than done). If the trust has gone out of your relationship, you have nothing to build on, so don't try. When a man cannot give you one good solid reason why he has decided against marrying you, there is no communication. And trust and communication are fundamental to a lifetime of happiness between two people. If it is you who solely and truly feels that the wedding should not go on, know your reasons, state them frankly and clearly, and face the consequences of your decision like an adult. It is only fair.
As I mentioned, you, or someone close to you, should contact all the service people or industries involved with your wedding. If your decision to split has occurred early on, you may be able to recover some of your deposit funds. Given enough notice, your banquet hall, band, photographer, etc. may very easily replace your booking. And should this happen, it is not unreasonable to expect some if not almost all of your money back. (It's fair to lose a small percentage of your money towards a service fee.) One way or the other, it doesn't hurt to ask.

If recall notices can safely be sent to your guests, do so. If it was your fiance's sole decision to end the engagement, request from either him or his family full payment for printing and postage, as well as any deposit funds you could not recover. If you are met with opposition, let it go. It's not worth making yourself sick.

If lack of time necessitates phone calls, once again decide who will do the calling and what should be said. Return all gifts and include that brief note, if you can. Assure the ones who love you that you will be fine. Because you will!

Postponing Your Wedding Due to the Loss of a Loved One

2009-05-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Wen a death in the family obliges you to postpone your wedding, contact your coordinator as soon as possible. The death of a loved one is a devastating blow, particularly when the passing is a sudden one. When you have lost a mother, a father, a brother or a sister so close to your scheduled wedding date, it is understandable that you may feel you can't go on as planned. In such an unfortunate circumstance, enlist the aid of your bridal party in phoning all your guests. A future date can be announced when you and everyone else concerned are ready to proceed.

Try to realize despite your distress that it may be impossible to move any or all of your deposit money to another date. You will feel angry and frustrated. No one is denying that. But things happen, and business is business. Just make the best of the situation. Enlist the help of your maid or matron of honor, or any of the bridesmaids, and make sure that everyone you are contracted with has been made aware of the change.

In the case of a grandparent, or anyone who is terminally ill at the time of your engagement, it is best to determine in advance what you might wish to do if that person leaves you before your wedding date Many times this individual will tell you personally to go on with you: wedding plans. But there are other people to consider, as well. For example, if it was your mother's mother who passed away, please allow your mother time to evaluate what all this means to her. Each situation is different. And each requires patience and tender loving care.

Gratuities (Tips), Expected and Otherwise

2009-05-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Gratuities, Expected and Otherwise
With so many people dedicating their time to making your wedding day a memorable one, it is customary to want to express your gratitude in some way. But how much and when? That is the question!

Thanking your friends is always easy. You seem to know just what to do for the person who watched your house, or ran your errands, or even just gave you a shoulder to cry on! But when it comes to thanking people in the service industry, we are never sure when we've given too much or, worse yet, too little. The following represents all the possible facets of your perfect day, complete with suggested gratuities. Of course, only impeccable service need be rewarded above and beyond the norm, so "respond" accordingly!

Your church and/or clergy: In most instances, a requested "donation" has already been asked of you. But if this is not the case, ask your church's secretary what might be appropriate. And always present your clergy (and his or her spouse, when applicable), with an invitation to your reception.
Your limo driver: Unless the gratuity is already included, a standard tip would be 10%-15% of the full service price. Of course, if your driver was less than courteous, don't bother! And, in such an unfortunate case, be sure to call the company at some point, and express your displeasure to the manager. The company really should know.
Your banquet sales representative: Was he or she extremely helpful and courteous? Did he or she stay past normal office hours on more than one occasion to meet with you? Were you given assistance with creative ideas and/or budgeting problems? One of the nicest gestures you can make is to write a letter to the facility's general manager in praise of this person. Then send a separate thank-you card to your sales rep. You might also considering letting him or her know that you would willingly act as a reference for any future bride. Just be sure to note that you will call about any inquiry yourself, therefore keeping your phone number private.
Your reception coordinator: If your banquet sales rep not only assisted with your plans, but went on to be your wedding day host or hostess as well, you may wish to do a little more than I mentioned above. A special desk memento would be nice. Or, if you conversed on a personal level during your planning sessions, you may know of something more meaningful to him or her. A gift certificate for a favorite restaurant in town? A music box? You needn't spend a lot. It's the gesture of your appreciation that counts.
If a separate coordinator worked with you on your wedding day, a cash gratuity is always nice if that person was attentive, courteous, and personable beyond your expectations. (In other words, was he or she just doing a job, or were you made to feel incredibly special?) Did your coordinator see to the comforts of your guests as well, making sure that everyone was pleased with the food, etc.? Did your day go as you planned it because of this very special person? (That is, were minor problems handled quietly, efficiently, and to your satisfaction?) There is no guideline or percentage to consider when tipping such a person, but somewhere in the range of twenty to twenty-five dollars is quite acceptable.
The serving staff: Banquet servers have a guaranteed percentage of the gratuity you have already paid. But in many facilities, it doesn't always chalk up to 20%. Was your head waiter or waitress extremely attentive to the bridal party's needs? Then multiply the number of guests the head waiter or waitress was responsible for serving, and multiply that figure by two. (For example 18 x 2 = $36.00.) And if the serving staff in general acted above and beyond the call of gracious-., ness, give the head waiter or waitress $10.00—$15.0.0 per server and ask that he or she distribute it with your thanks and appreciation. * The bartender (s) will generally be tipped well by your guests. But if you find that they have gone out of their way to be helpful you may wish to present them with $10.00-115.00 cash as a thank-you for the extra service. (For example, have they brought your drink orders to the head table, themselves? Have they carried drinks to the tables for ladies? Did they assist the serving staff by pouring coffee at dinner time?)
Valets and coatroom attendants: If such people worked a part of your special day, their gratuities should have been amply covered by your guests.
Entertainment: Providing your band or DJ with a meal shows your appreciation for their efforts in making your day a special one. But if you'd like to take it a step further, you could offer to buy them a drink or two.
Photographer and/or videographer: Aside from a complimentary meal and a drink or two from your bar, I would suggest making a cash gratuity when your photographer or videographer agrees to stay later than he or she was contracted for without charging you an additional fee. Figure roughly $20.00 per extra hour.
Your florist and baker typically do not expect to be tipped for their services. But if you felt their efforts deserve recognition, be sure to write letters of praise to each shop.

Once again, these gratuity figures are merely suggestions. After all, good service is to be expected! Only excellent service need be rewarded

Letting Friends and Family Help

2009-05-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Good Ideas for Wedding Day Volunteers!
Since the moment you announced your engagement, you were probably besieged with offers to "do whatever needs doing." This is wonderful. By all means, you'should allow people to lend a hand. After all, you can't do everything yourself. But be sure that the person making the offer is reliable! Many a friend or family member will talk a good game, but will they actually go to bat for you?

The following are ideas of what can be done by volunteers outside of your bridal party. I have already covered some, but will repeat them here for good measure:
* Obtain a house sitter for your parents' home and your home, for the hours of your wedding and reception. This unfortunately means someone who cannot attend your wedding. The groom's parents may also wish to consider doing the same, as a safeguard against burglary.
* Will you need babysitting service for the children of out-of-town family or friends? If your parents are willing, the children can be watched at their home, alleviating the need for a separate house sitter.
* Finalize all volunteers to take pictures and videotapes of your wedding day. Find out what film you need for each person and buy adequate quantities. Assign one person to collect all film. Whether or not you have that person drop it off for development is up to you. If your honeymoon plans keep you away longer than three weeks or so, that person should notify the shop of your estimated pick-up date. Otherwise, the shop may consider your photos abandoned material.
* Select "guardians" for your open bar and hors d'oeuvres. These volunteers should not be a part of the bridal party. Give your hors d'oeuvres guardian a list of what you have ordered. Your beverage guardian should place himself or herself at the bar. While maintaining an easy flow of conversation with their fellow guests, your bar guardian should keep one eye on the bartenders. Too much'over pouring? If an adding machine or cash register is being used to calculate prices, is one price entry being made per drink? Are top-of-the-line brands being used only when requested? Now, should a problem with either service occur, the guardian should approach a waiter or waitress and ask for the reception coordinator or manager, in order to solve the problem quietly and efficiently.

Are delivery people needed on your wedding day? For example, are you providing a cake top that you didn't wish to leave with the banquet office three days before your wedding? Were your ceremony programs inadvertently left at home on rehearsal night? A volunteer driver comes in handy in situations such as these.

And, speaking of drivers, do you have to go to your final hair appointment alone? Ask someone to bring you. You're going to be nervous and excited, which affects your driving skills. Also you're going to have a huge veil on your head which only makes your peripheral vision even worse. So, take along a calm friend who knows everything you are supposed to bring with you (such as pins, barrettes, combs, flowers, your veil, etc.) I Pack a large cosmetic bag (preferably one with a strap or a handle)

Include any other items of personal preference, such as your favorite perfume, and ask that a female friend not in the bridal party pick up this bag at your home or your parents' home on her way to the church. This volunteer should be invited to the picture room, in case you should need anything.

If you have provided your own wedding cake, chances are the support columns and dividers need to be returned to the bakery. Any volunteers?

Did you supply your own bar service? All the unopened bottles will either have to go back to the store for refund, or brought to your parents' house, or wherever you dictate. Is someone willing to do this for you?

Any specialty items that you rented (such as a champagne fountains, chairs, etc.) will also need to be cleaned and returned. If you are dealing with several rented items, it is best, not to mention thoughtful, to ask a "team" to help. After all, many hands make light work!

The tuxedos must be returned. Of course, between the ushers and the best man, someone in the wedding party should be in charge of this function. But, if for any reason, no one is, seek out someone who can do this for you. Just keep in mind that if the rental store is not open on Sunday (or more important, if your wedding is on a Sunday), that volunteer must be able to return them by the time limit indicated on Monday!

The same request applies if you rented your gown. Airport transportation may be necessary for you and the groom. Of course, you can always rent a limo and go in style. (Just make sure, however, that someone is on hand to pick you up when you get home!)

Finalizing Your Reception Plans: Putting It All in Writing

2009-05-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

Finalizing Your Reception Plans
The months have flown. And now you can easily chant the very number of weeks, days, hours, and minutes 'til the time you say, "I do!"

Six to eight weeks prior to the big day, your calendar should spell out every duty left to do. Look now for days that seem overloaded with tasks and distribute them more evenly. Don't try to do the impossible.

During one of your final appointments with your reception coordinator, he or she will be giving you some room diagrams and seating charts to work with. Your coordinator will need these listings in order to double-check your place cards and guest count. And your on-site host or hostess will need a copy just in case you have any last-minute deletions or changes on your wedding day.

If you have a choice in the numbering of your guest tables, I would suggest placing all even numbers on one side of the room with odd numbers on the other. The lower the number, the closer that table is to the head table. And yes, you can skip number 13 if you so desire.
During this appointment with your coordinator, you should also verify:
* Are all outside service aspects provided by the facility confirmed, such as the limo, band,- photographer, bakery, and florist? If you have not spoken directly with the limo company, band leader (or DJ) or photographer yet (package plan only), make note of this to your coordinator. The limo company may not need to speak with you until a week or so before the wedding as they will just be reconfirming your address and time, but you will still want to be sure that everything is fine and going as scheduled!

Verify all service aspects that you will be providing. Make sure that your reception site has contacts and phone numbers. The reason is simple. If on your wedding day your cake is not showing up on time, your on-site coordinator can call the bakery direct and hope- ' fully avoid upsetting you at home. Without a phone number, your wedding day host or hostess may be forced to wait until your arrival to do something about it. And by then, it will most likely be too late.

Reconfirm linen colors. Thoroughly go over, all the scheduled events of your wedding reception/Has adequate time been allotted to every detail? If your coordinator is making up a printed schedule, ask for a copy when it is ready. (A sample schedule appears later, should you want to do your own.)

Know when you have to finalize your dinner and hors d'oeuvres menus. When is the exact or "guaranteed" guest count due for meals? Arrange your appointment for final payment. This is typically done three business days before the wedding. List everything that you will have to bring with you, such as place cards, table listings, guest book, keepsakes, etc. And make your coordinator aware of any item you do not wish to bring early, such as a valuable cake top. Inform him or her of when and how such items will arrive.

Reconfirm all prices. Have your coordinator run another tape list of costs based on the guest count you expect to have. In your count include all the guests that have informed you they are coming to your Wedding, as well as those that have not yet replied. Make sure that all your deposits have been accounted for. Your correct balance due will be calculated when your guest counts and menus have been finalized.
* If you are dealing with a hotel, reconfirm all your overnight reservations before leaving.

Coping with Room Diagrams and Seating Charts
Don't wait until the last minute to contact guests who haven't yet replied to your invitation. A few days past the response date is fine for making phone calls. After all, you don't want to have to rearrange your seating charts every time a late reply comes in. The earlier you get your table arrangements done, the earlier you can enjoy all the parties and attention a bride receives in those last few weeks before the wedding.

Dealing with seating arrangements can be a very stressful time in a bride's life. And this can be especially true when both sets of parents are contributing financially to your wedding. Why? Because no one wants their guests "seated out in left field." (Yes, that's what they'll call it.) So what can you do?
To begin with, your parents — along with the friends or family of their choice — should be seated at table number one. The groom's parents and selected company occupy table number two. The only exception to this is when the groom's parents have paid for the wedding. Then they are seated at table number one.

Traditionally, the closer the family member or friend, the closer they are seated to the head table. Dividing the room in half may help your particular dilemma. If your parents are at table one, number all the rest of the tables on that side of the room with odd numbers and assign those to your parents. Thus, the groom's parents at table two get all the even numbered tables on their side of the room. Each party is then welcome to seat their tables as they wish. (Just give them a deadline or you'll never have it done on time!) You and your groom should be allotted one third of the tables by taking the "middle" section from each side of the room. Just remember to seat older guests far from the band to avoid the loud music. And count any wheelchair arrival as taking up two "chair" spaces for extra comfort.

If you are personally writing out your own place cards, try not to do too many in one sitting or your exhaustion will show in your penmanship.

Make sure that your guests' names are easy to read. Watch out for name duplication, which typically occurs when a father and son with. the same name are invited. In such a case, add Sr., Jr., I, II, III, or whatever is appropriate. When you're not sure of the title, add the spouse or date with each, (such as: "Robert and Betty Harrison" on one and "Robert and Sue Harrison" on the other). When a guest has informed you of an escort's name, it is a nice gesture-to write out that person's name. Just remember that the initial invitee's name goes first on the card, regardless of alphabetical order.

Putting It All in Writing
As soon as you can finalize menus and schedules with your reception site, do so. Then you can put the events of your day down on paper and see for yourself if there is anything else left to be done. And by giving your banquet facility a copy of your list, you just might notify them of a minor detail or two they unintentionally overlooked.

The following sample schedule assumes you are providing every service aspect of the wedding reception except food and beverages. Alter it to meets your own needs. (For example, next to Band, type in the name of the band and indicate "provided through facility")

Detailing Your Wedding Day

2009-05-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

Your Ceremony
Well in advance of your wedding day, you will want to perfect the details of your wedding vows. Understand from your officiant all the dos and don'ts. May poetry be read? (If so, make sure that your clergy has adequate time to approve your selections.) Would a vocalist be permitted to sing secular music? Get a listing of all the traditional, accepted, and sometimes demanded choices available for readings and music and make your selections early.

Select music that best suits the musician(s) you plan to have. And read your contract carefully. Due to the costly value of musical instruments, some performers reserve the right not to play in severe changes of humidity. If you are hiring a vocalist, he or she should be able to provide you with a list of material they perform best. If you have a different song or two in mind, check with your church for approval first, and then contact the vocalist.

Assign readings. And have "back-up" people ready just in case. The speakers will appreciate the ability to become familiar with their readings in advance.

Your Reception and All its Trimmings

Your Receiving Line
To save time, the best moment to receive your guests is directly after the ceremony. A hundred or so guests will easily flow by in 25 minutes. If you wait until the reception — particularly after everyone has had a drink or two — you can count on it taking roughly 45 minutes per every 125 guests! This can result in a lot of wasted "party" time!

You will have to ask your house of worship if you can conduct your receiving line right after the ceremony. You may be denied your request is if a service or another wedding immediately follows yours. The best location for your receiving line would be the front walkway. But if there is not adequate space — or the weather fails you — you can always set yourselves up in the entrance foyer. Ushers could be asked to direct the guests accordingly.

Who is in the receiving line? This is entirely up to you. My suggestion for a perfect gathering would be, in order: your father, your mother, the groom's mother, the groom's father, the best man, the bride and groom, and last but never least, the maid or matron of honor. If the groom's parents are primarily hosting the wedding, they would simply change places with your parents. And of course, if there is any difficulty of divorce with your parents, you will want to alter this accordingly. Definitely include grandparents if they are willing and able. It's a wonderful moment for them.

Including all of the bridesmaids and ushers can be time consuming. Instead, ask a bridesmaid and usher to stand a few feet away from the end of the receiving line and hand out maps to the reception site. (Use more of the bridal party if your guest count is over 200, or if the directions need some explaining.) Other members of the bridal party can be assigned important jobs. Remember the altar flowers (if they're yours to take). Someone can check the pews for forgotten purses, etc. And ushers can make sure that cars are starting and people are safely on their way.

Your Reception
Your banquet coordinator has probably informed you that approximately a month or so before the wedding you should get together and discuss the details of your reception. The timing is right for the most part, for it is only closer to your wedding day that you will know how many guests are coming. But in order to have your day go your way, you will have to do some planning and thinking in advance of this appointment. Don't let such important decisions wait until the last minute when you're so overwhelmed by everything you end up not caring what goes on.
The following is an outline of wedding day events. Now these are only descriptions and suggestions. By reading through this together with your fiance, you will be better able to finalize your special day when the time comes, fully confident and hassle free!

Your Arrival
The very first thing you will need to let your reception coordinator know is the exact length of your ceremony. Make sure to add time for the receiving line if it is to be held at the ceremony site.

Will the bridal party be pausing en route for pictures at an outdoor location? Let your coordinator know. You also should have contacted your photographer and limousine driver with all the pertinent information.

Next, you will need to let your coordinator know when you expect the bridal party to arrive at the reception. Your on-site host or hostess will want to be on hand to greet you! Will additional formal pictures be taken at the reception site? If so, you will want to settle the following questions:
1. Forty-five minutes to one hour is generally devoted to taking formal portraits. If you are stopping on the way from the church to the reception for pictures, estimate how much additional time, if any, you might wish to have at the reception site for more pictures.
2. If formal pictures are being taken at the reception site, ask if a waiter or waitress will be available to take drink orders in the picture room. Will you be paying for these drinks, or will individuals be responsible for their own charges?
3. If a full hour of pictures is scheduled at the reception site with a receiving line to follow, you may wish to provide your bridal party with a small hors d'oeuvres tray. Select neat, easy-to-eat finger food, such as cheese and crackers and raw vegetables.

If any of your family or friends not in the bridal party have offered to take pictures for you, tell them to come to the picture room with camera ready. A polite professional photographer will always step out of the way after every formal grouping and allow a few moments for others to take pictures.
Your Guests' Arrival You can't leave your guests stranded during formal pictures.

The bar at your reception site should be set to serve guests approximately 15 minutes after the close of your ceremony. The following also applies:
1. Decide how you wish your bar to be handled. Will it be open bar, cash bar, or a combination of both? (That is, for example, open bar for the first hour, then cash.)
2. Will you need hors d'oeuvres? This depends on the time of day, what kind of meal you're serving, and if more than the first hour and a half of the reception is devoted to formal portraits followed-by a receiving line. If a full dinner is being served, you will need to provide only about four pieces per person. Decide what offerings intrigue you, and place your order approximately two weeks before the wedding, when your guest count dictates your need.

A lovely hors d'oeuvres idea is a cheese, vegetable, and fruit table centrally placed on the dance floor. This arrangement requires no cumbersome chafing dishes or trays. The food is instead colorfully arrayed on different levels, which are created by placing support bases of various heights under the tablecloth. The effect is like a sumptuous still life oil painting! The table is then moved off the dance floor when it is time to announce the bridal party.

It's a very sad fact, but some dishonest hotels and banquet facilities make money by serving only half the food that has been ordered. And wedding reception hors d'oeuvres are an easy money maker. The reason is simple. Typically, the people who have placed the order —• you or your parents — are usually preoccupied in the picture room when hors d'oeuvres are being served and don't notice. But you should. Ask someone who is not in the bridal party to keep an eye on things for you. Make him or her aware of exactly what you have contracted to serve. Keep honest people honest, and have the satisfaction of knowing that what you ordered was actually brought out to your guests.

Guest Comforts
Do any of your guests need special attention? For example, if your function facility has a separate entrance for handicapped guests, be sure to indicate your need for this service. Any dietary problems? Does someone need to bring medication that must be refrigerated? Whatever the case, make sure the facility knows all about it.

Your Announcement Into the Room
After formal pictures, the bridal party is announced into the room. However, if you prefer to do without the fanfare, a quiet group arrival during the cocktail hour is quite acceptable. When the receiving line has been completed, the bridal party simply walks in procession to its place at the head table.

You may design the seating of the head table in any way that suits you. There are no rules to follow. It is merely suggested that the bride and groom occupy the center seats. You can have parents with you, or seat them at the tables of prominence (numbers one and two). You may also include clergy at the head table, or with your parents. You can have all women on one side with the men on the other, or seat them as couples. Whatever pleases you.

The announcement of the bridal party usually begins with both sets of parents. If this is uncomfortable.for anyone because of separation or divorce, alter it accordingly. There are a million suggestions for a million different situations, but I'd like to offer one thought. If your mother has no one to escort her into the room, an usher — particularly one who is a son, relative, or a good family friend — can enter the room with her, and then return to the line and enter once again with a bridesmaid. Just do what is best for everyone involved.

If you have very young children acting as flower girl and ring bearer in your bridal party, and wish to include them in the announcements, you will need to position their "call" in the easiest manner possible. It is recommended that a relative or parent of each child be standing in the function room as a "goal post" (if the dance floor is central to the room's entrance, have that person stand there) and instruct the children to walk towards them. Announcing small children right after the parents is typically best.

The bridesmaids and ushers are next. The easiest way to call them in is by their seating at the head table, working from the outside to the center. But this is also up to you.

Next follows the maid or matron of honor with the best man. And then — take a deep breath — this will probably be the first time you'll hear yourself called "Mr. and Mrs." over a microphone! Your band leader or DJ should have supplied you with a form to fill out for your wedding day information. If you are dealing with a package plan facility, your reception coordinator might do this for you at your appointment to finalize details. Whatever the case, be sure that difficult-to-pronounce names are written out phonetically for the ease of the emcee when announcing the bridal party. If you were unable or unwilling to conduct your receiving line at the church, now is the best time to have it.

Your on-site coordinator should be on hand to direct the incoming bridal party to where they should stand. Those members of the bridal party not in the receiving line should simply be instructed to walk behind the head table and pause there until the receiving line begins.

The band or DJ is then instructed to announce that the bridal party is ready to receive guests and call up by table number the tables closest to the host of the receiving line, and so on until all tables have gone through. The on-site coordinator will most likely step forward and assist the first table to the receiving line.

As I mentioned, a receiving line that occurs during a reception always takes longer than one held immediately after the ceremony. After a few drinks, guests always seem to want to tell you their firsthand impressions of your wedding. (It's like being at work the morning after a violent thunderstorm. Everyone has a "where they were" story!) If you find anyone lagging, politely interrupt them with a greeting to the person directly behind them and keep the line moving. Every minute of a receiving line during a reception represents one less minute of dancing!

During the receiving line, the best man usually collects all gift envelopes. Provide one of those satin drawstring bags, or some other means of holding these money envelopes. Your on-site coordinator should be on hand to take any large boxed gifts to the gift table, but if he or she is busy with other duties, ask a bridesmaid or usher not involved in the receiving line to do this for you. Any money envelopes found on the gift table should be brought directly to the best man. Don't remove the regular card envelopes from gift boxes, however. You will have difficulty later trying to figure out who sent what!

The Blessing and the Toast
After the receiving line, the bridal party is escorted to the head table. The best man (or whoever was asked to collect them) brings the gift envelopes with him to the head table for safekeeping. Everyone is asked to stand. Your clergy is then asked to give the blessing. Be sure to have a back-up person if your clergy cannot attend. If there is no one in your family or close friends who wishes to speak publicly, your band or DJ can give a general blessing.

Everyone is then asked to remain standing except the bride and groom. The best man then gives his toast, and the meal begins. Before going to your appointment with your coordinator, have a good idea what you would like to have for your toast and your meal. the groom and best man to the sate-deposit box where your girt envelopes will be locked away. Both the best man and groom should sign the authorization lines. The best man generally holds the key, in case more gift envelopes are presented. Each time he makes a deposit to the safe, he will be asked to sign in and out. At the end of the night, the key is given to the groom. Your coordinator will probably warn you that there is only one key. If it is lost, you will have to pay a locksmith's fee to get the box open. So be careful!

Your First Dance
After the first course of your wedding dinner, I suggest that you and the groom come to the floor for your first dance. Try not to wait until the meal is over, because traditionally no one is supposed to get up and dance before the bride and groom do. With this in mind, if you really prefer to wait, or to cancel the ritual altogether, have your band or DJ announce that both of you (by name) invite everyone to the dance floor at any time. Keep in mind that if you and the groom are nervous about dancing alone, the band or DJ can be instructed to call up the rest of the bridal party to join you as early on as you wish! In between courses is the best time to conduct the special events of your reception. During these times, you will have everyone's attention. And it gives people something to do during the clearing and serving of plates.

Parents' Dances
If you are dancing with your father and/or the groom is dancing with his mother, this can be done in between courses. For example, you have your first dance after the soup course, and parents' dances after the salad course. If the traditional numbers don't appeal to you ("Daddy's Little Girl" for you and your father and "Sunrise Sunset" for the groom and his mother) select songs that hold special meaning for you.

The dollar dance
This is an opportunity for your male guests to share the dance floor with the bride for cash (something like a kissing booth at a fair). Each gentleman hands you a bill which you hold between your fingers. It's not so common a custom these days, but really is harmless fun, all the same.

Special Guest Dances
Make note to inform your coordinator of any special anniversary dances or birthdays that you would like the band or DJ to celebrate. If you are dealing with package plan entertainment, your coordinator will need to list this on his or her activities sheet, if you haven't already contacted the band or DJ on your own and confirmed these special request songs!

"The Bride Cuts the Cake"
If the wedding cake is to be served with dessert, you will need to have your cake-cutting ceremony just after the main course. Don't worry if you despise the silly song and all the fanfare. If you like, the band or DJ can announce that anyone who wishes to take pic-tures of the bride and groom cutting the cake can proceed to the cake table. Then your on-site coordinator and professional photographer will quietly guide you through the steps. No song. No smooshing cake in each other's faces. (Or be a sly one and smoosh anyway!)

Awarding Table Centerpieces
Unless you have someone special in mind to whom you'd like to give the centerpiece at each table, your band or DJ can create a "game" competition for the centerpieces. The most common asks one person at each table to take out a dollar bill. That dollar bill is then passed around the table until the music stops. Then, the band announces that the person holding the dollar keeps it, and the original donor ot tne Dili gets me centerpiece. But if many of your guests have been to weddings, they'll know this one.

Be creative. You can even somewhat "prearrange" your winners if you wish. Let's say you'd really love your grandmother to have a centerpiece. Have the band announce that the oldest person at her table number wins the centerpiece (if that is the case). Go by the birthday closest to your wedding day. Have a "sing the next line of the song" contest. This is accomplished by the lead singer going from table to table with a wireless microphone. He or she sings a song up to a certain point and then surprises one of the guests at each table with the chance to go on with the song. Be crafty. For example, do you and "the girls"' from work have a bowling night? Award that centerpiece to "the worst bowler at table number ten." In other words, make it fun and involve your guests!

The Bouquet and Garter Toss
If you and your groom intend to leave the reception before the majority of guests, you will need to coordinate the last hour of your reception to include the bouquet and garter toss, enough time for you and your groom to change into your "going away" clothes, sit for some formal portraits, and return to the ballroom for your final dance.

But if you are not leaving the reception before the guests, the bouquet and garter toss can be done at any time. Often it is best to just mingle, circulate, and dance after dinner. The bouquet and garter toss is always more fun towards the end of the evening, anyway. Just don't wait too long. You will want to have this fun while the band or DJ and photographer are still there, not to mention a good number of guests!)

Keeping the Hall Late
A five-hour wedding reception can fly by like five minutes. With all the planning and hopes you've had for this day, why not keep the party going?
The band or other musicians can be booked for additional hours or a DJ can be brought in for a change of pace. Another possible suggestion would be to book a DJ or singer with karaoke hook-up. Karaoke can be great fun when everyone has had a drink or two and is willing to "give it a try." You will, however, want dance music, too. Of course any arrangement for entertainment should have been made well in advance of that day!

Get all the formal pictures you need before the photographer leaves Most brides don't feel like surrendering their wedding gowns just yet so the final shot in your going-away clothes may not seem all that important to you.
Holding the hall for extra hours gives you another option I have not as yet pointed out. If between you and the groom, you have a lot of casual friends you just couldn't afford to invite for the full meal, etc., you can now invite them for a special evening celebration of your marriage.

You may want to consider holding an open bar for any or all of these additional hours. But don't, if you are concerned about the people who have been drinking for the last 5 hours who might be staying. One possibility is to give your newly arriving guests "drink tickets." But for those new guests, as well as those who will be staying and may need some help sobering up, some delectables would be a good idea.

Suggestions for Late-Night Food and Beverage Service
A deli buffet is a great idea. People can make a sandwich, a salad, or a meat platter — Whatever they wish. Sweet tables with coffee service are also nice. Depending on your taste and budget, arrange an offering that best suit your needs.

Your Last Dance
This is when your guests form a circle around the bride and groom, and smile and cry as you join together for the last dance of the evening. A good guide to selecting what should be your first dance and what should be your last is to consider how they will be performed. If a band opens your reception, pick the song they can easily do. (In other words, it takes a terribly talented vocalist to match the depth and dynamics of a Whitney Houston or a Mariah Carey!) And if a DJ closes for you, he or she has the true artist's rendition of your special song, complete with full orchestration. But of course, there's no reason not to repeat the same song for your first and last dance, especially when it's one that means so very much to you.
Aside from the events outlined here, you may also have some wonderful ideas based on the traditions of your family's heritage. By all means, incorporate these family traditions, but be sure to let the proper service professionals at your wedding know well in advance what they will need to do.

Yes, this is the time to plan, to design, and to dream. The days ahead will be happier ones if you meet them fully organized!